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All About Men!!
07-01-2005, 03:44 PM
Post: #1
All About Men!!

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

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~Today is the youngest you will ever be~
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07-01-2005, 05:05 PM
Post: #2
All About Men!!
:laugh: I love it :laugh:
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07-01-2005, 06:21 PM
Post: #3
All About Men!!
LMAO very funny Eternity:laugh:
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08-01-2005, 02:38 AM
Post: #4
All About Men!!
[size=2]La Réponse

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Get rid of your cat.
5. Saturday = TV Sports.
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
7. You have too many shoes.
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
11. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
12. Simple "yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
16. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
17. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
18. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
19. You have enough clothes.
20. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
[/size]


"While in my head time is collapsing and the currents run cold"
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13-01-2005, 08:06 PM
Post: #5
All About Men!!
Hehe, these are funny

There are three types of mathmatician:
Those who can count and those who can't!
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20-01-2005, 08:13 PM
Post: #6
All About Men!!
Right on brother [Image: 15_1_116.gif]

[b][i]Life is not that long [Image: 36_1_12.gif]
[/b][/i]
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21-01-2005, 11:21 PM
Post: #7
All About Men!!
Last night, I got a phone call from one of my gorgeous ex-girlfriends. Over time we had lost track of each other.

We started chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.

I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's several inches longer these days."

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying “I think tubby bald men are cute…..anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled.

So I told her to **** off.


"While in my head time is collapsing and the currents run cold"
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21-01-2005, 11:22 PM
Post: #8
All About Men!!
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM'.

He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up'


"While in my head time is collapsing and the currents run cold"
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01-02-2005, 05:31 PM
Post: #9
All About Men!!
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there & waits for the world to revolve around him. OR. Three - one to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath & calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"


"While in my head time is collapsing and the currents run cold"
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22-02-2005, 12:59 AM
Post: #10
All About Men!!
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken table - £585.26
Hot Breakfast - £4.20
Red Rose bud - £3.00
Two Aspirins - £0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.


"While in my head time is collapsing and the currents run cold"
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