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Am I hard?
17-04-2005, 04:15 PM
Post: #1
Am I hard?

This may be an odd subject to discuss with y'all but I value the honesty of everyone on here & my RL friends all just don't wanna upset me............I've recently found out my ma has early stages Alzheimers. Without doubt, it's a ****ty deal but I just don't find myself reacting like the rest of the fam.

My sis is distraught, she's wingeing all over the place. She has told her kids, I've just told Em Grandma is ill, I'll elaborate as she asks the questions.

Ma hasn't been right for a while, slurring words & forgetful - I'm just glad she's not following in daddy dears footsteps, I thought she'd been hitting the vodka & was becoming more & more angry at the denials.

My 1st hubby's mam had dementia & I know this is not gonna be a picnic - but I'm not feeling upset. & I'm wondering what's wrong with me. I, more than anyone, know EXACTLY how bad it's gonna get but I just feel..............nothing. I'm glad we have a diagnosis is all. Now I know what to absorb & will deal with what I have to when I have to but I've got everyone round me wingeing about how dreadful it is & I'm starting to think summat is wrong with me - what do you reckon?

Whatever you think is fine - I'm just looking for some outside perspective on my feelings please.

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17-04-2005, 04:23 PM
Post: #2
Am I hard?
Hi Jaycee

I don't think anyone can judge you on how you feel, because no-one knows how they would react until it happens to them. I think the fact that you had an introduction to dementia through another member of your family has helped soften the impact and, as you say, now you have a diagnosis and you can move forward. Many people find it very hard to deal with as your "loved one" (I hate that, but you know what I mean) becomes a different person. I think your approach is a good one because you realise that it will be a difficult and ever-changing road.

I would advise you and the rest of the family to get in touch with your local Alzheimer's Society. This will certainly help them to understand the disease and prepare them for what will happen. It may also help you to understand why you are feeling so different and come to terms with your own feelings.

I have a very good friend whose mother has had Alzheimers for about 14 years (which is a long time, as you probably know). Her father has coped on his own looking after her all this time, but is now finding it very hard. I would say to whoever is the care giver, get as much help as you can as soon as possible because it could be a very long journey.

I wish you all the very best and take care of each other.
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17-04-2005, 04:26 PM
Post: #3
Am I hard?
Hey you......my mum is in the middle to later stages of this horrible disease or what ever it is.

All of my family feel the same as you do...we just get on with things, enjoy her as she is and the time will come eventually to grieve. My mum as I knew her has gone but there is still this mad, funny, bizaare lady there.

Unfortanately her and dad live in North Wales and dad has realised he can't cope for much longer (the middle - 3rd - stage is when they can become agressive and she has). He is trying to move nearer to here where my 2 sisters and I can help out rather than have to put her in a home.

I can type this without any tears or emotion as I just know they are there ready for the right time. Sometimes somebody does say something and my guard (if thats what it is falls), but on the whole I'm fine.

xxx
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17-04-2005, 04:26 PM
Post: #4
Am I hard?
I don't think there's anything wrong with your reaction - it sounds very practical and realistic to me. My mother had motor neurone disease and, yeah, it was ****ty, but flapping around all over the place wouldn't have made a jot of difference to the outcome.

Everyone reacts in different ways so I don't think tou have to feel bad about not feeling bad. Let the others react in their own way - but make sure you don't end up supporting the whole family.

Smile

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17-04-2005, 04:26 PM
Post: #5
Am I hard?
Nothing wrong with you at all Jaycee. We all handle things differently and maybe this is your way of coping.
Your relationship with your mum is probably different to the rest of your family. It's only natural that you should cope differently
You see it as hard, but it sounds like you are dealing with it in a calm practical way.
best of luck at this difficult time. :hug:

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17-04-2005, 04:27 PM
Post: #6
Am I hard?
Jaycee,
Sorry you have had this awful news.I don't think your hard at all. I think people react in different ways to different things that's all, the way both you and your sister are acting is natural. We all have our own thought processes and coping mechanism's and your's seems to be one of acceptance and coping each day with each thing as it happens. It may not always be like this and some days you might feel down, angry and upset but that's natural too.

It's not advice sorry, but just a wee reply to let you know that I don't think your hard at all and you shouldn't beat your self up about how you deal with things.

XXxCheekyChopsXXX Heart
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17-04-2005, 04:29 PM
Post: #7
Am I hard?
Cat Wrote:Hey you......my mum is in the middle to later stages of this horrible disease or what ever it is.

That's her!
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17-04-2005, 04:29 PM
Post: #8
Am I hard?
My advice would be much the same as everyone elses Jaycee. Feelings are never wrong whatever they are. You have been exposed to this in the past and know the road that lies ahead, you are informed already to deal with it. I would wholeheartdly support fee's comment - do not take on your whole familyto support - that is too much for one person.
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17-04-2005, 04:49 PM
Post: #9
Am I hard?
You come across as a very practical person which is what is needed to help your mum you're not odd just realistic. Most people if they are honest get more upset by the way it will affect them than it does the person who is ill. Children often deal with things far better than adults but I don't think bombarding them with too much information is a good idea. I looked after my elderly parents and now my mother-in-law and it is a strain and I do resent it at times. Her own daughters do very little, wouldn't even help out when we were going on holiday but were all fussing around when she was in hospital and no doubt will be weeping and wailing when her time comes.

At least you know what to expect and that does make it easier to deal with. I hope your sister pulls herself together and gives practical help when it is needed.
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17-04-2005, 04:54 PM
Post: #10
Am I hard?
Hi Jaycee. I'm sorry you've had sh*tty news. I certainly don't think you're hard - you know what's coming and it doesn't scare you like it maybe scares the others in your family. But you might be in shock, a bit. Just because you recognise a situation from experience, that doesn't necessarily protect you from shock when it happens to you directly. So be kind to yourself and look after yourself, won't you?

Love and prayers. xxx
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