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Can you every TRULY forgive?
14-11-2004, 10:37 PM (This post was last modified: 14-11-2004 10:49 PM by Dolores.)
Post: #1
Can you every TRULY forgive?

Is it possible to forgive someone who has hurt your feelings. slighted you or bullied you?

We often "make friends" with our enemies in order to bring about a truce, sometimes an easy one sometimes an uneasy one. But deep down in our hearts have we forgiven them or are we just doing it to make life easier and more pleasant?

Or is forgiveness too pompous a word? Perhaps forgetting or ignoring may be the right word.

.....and for clarification this is to do with the board NOT real life!

... i only came online to visit Delia's site for tips on how to season a frying pan ...
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14-11-2004, 10:51 PM
Post: #2
Can you every TRULY forgive?
Only when the remorse has been sincere and (if possible) the damage put right.

Having said that, sometimes there's a choice in the question of whether to feel slighted or bullied in the first place. Sometimes it takes two.
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14-11-2004, 11:01 PM
Post: #3
Can you every TRULY forgive?
Oh goodness, I didn't see the edit re this being specifically about the board! Maybe my post should just read: 'no comment'?

On the subject of having a tactical pretend friendship with an 'enemy' -I think this is usually pointless, if not destructive & has little to do with being more 'pleasant' and more to do with being a hypocrite. If it can't be sincere, it's better avoided imo.
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14-11-2004, 11:13 PM (This post was last modified: 14-11-2004 11:17 PM by karenh.)
Post: #4
Can you every TRULY forgive?
If this subject is with specific regard to the MB, where does "forgiveness" come into it?

If this is harking back to old grudges, perhaps it is time to move on from all that. This is an online discussion forum- it is not real life.

If people don't feel able to forgive the misdemeanours of the past - well, that is their prerogative. Not everyone is a saintly type.

But lets not pretend that this place has a greater signficance than it does. No matter what is said here, no real damage is done in the greater scheme of things.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
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15-11-2004, 06:25 AM
Post: #5
Can you every TRULY forgive?
To answer this question more fully, no, I don't think you truly "forgive" if you are calling a truce with someone. Of course, for the sake of a quiet life, sometimes that truce is necessary, but it really has nothing at all to do with forgiveness. It more to do with maintaining the status quo.

This is done in real life too!

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
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15-11-2004, 07:52 AM
Post: #6
Can you every TRULY forgive?
The impression I have from being here long enough to see some major falling outs, is that despite their use of words like 'time to move on', 'it's only a mb' *etc, people do tend to remember old grievances.

*not referring to kh's posts - these are stock phrases that have appeared time and time again.

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15-11-2004, 08:07 AM
Post: #7
Can you every TRULY forgive?
For me, I don't have a problem in forgiving as long as the other person does their part as well. If they continue to stay cold and distant to me, then I guess I would hold a bit of a grudge. Even then I guess I just get on with things and not worry about it.

I don't agree with saying it's only an MB etc etc. Just because it's a cyber community does not mean that your feelings do not transfer over to it. There are relationships here, none of which you could have if you did not bring feelings into it.

"You cannot teach people anything. You can only help them discover it within themselves."
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15-11-2004, 08:28 AM
Post: #8
Can you every TRULY forgive?
If I didn't speak to everyone who had at some point hurt my feelings, bullied me, or had a go at me, I wouldn't be speaking to anybody at all. I imagine the same could be said for everyone.

I don't really know what "forgiveness" means to other people - to me it just means putting it to one side. Most of us don't forget other people's hurtful behaviour, but it doesn't mean we have to let it affect the way we treat them.

Of course a sincere and genuine apology DOES go a long way towards making you feel warmer to someone who has upset you.

The trouble with MB's is the same as the trouble with workmates. You are more or less "forced" to be with the same people, no matter what you may think of them. By that, I mean you can't control who posts on the Board.

So if people really annoy you, all you can do is either (a) continue being civil towards them or (b) ignore them. Of course you COULD spend the whole time slagging off everything they posted, but that would be pretty immature and probably get you barred from the Board.
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15-11-2004, 09:27 AM
Post: #9
Can you every TRULY forgive?
I think I am with Tigger on this one.

However, I suspect it is all down to perception. If someone wrongs you and they say sorry - it is your perception of their apology to know whether to forgive or not. If you really beleive that they are sincere in that apology - then I would not have a problem. However, if it were lip service for the sake of 'keeping face' or putting on a front, then things maybe different.

Ceri makes an interesting point about forgiveness - 'putting it to one side'. I can understand what she means. But Ceri - if it is just sitting there to one side and never truly goes away - what does it do?? Does it remain always quietly. Does it perhaps pop up now and again and say 'still here you know?' or does it fade from memory until the person does a similar thing??

I think the Christian view of 'forgiveness' is just that - you forgive the person or persons for causing harm in someway to you. It is a very brave thing to do to forgive, it means putting your full trust back in that person or persons - and that is an act courage IMO.
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15-11-2004, 01:11 PM
Post: #10
Can you every TRULY forgive?
I can only speak for myself here, but I can honestly say that there is nothing that has ever been said or done to me on this MB that I cannot truly forgive.

I agree with Flip about perception being important, and we have to accept that just as remorse is subject to preception so is the slight or hurt that caused offence in the first place. What I have learned is that it's only too easy to misinterpret a comment or read meaning into a post that was probably never intended, but ultimately we are responsible for our own responses, we can't change what people do or say to us (real or imagined), but we can control the way in which we respond to that and it's pretty much up to us how much we let that bother us, determine our responses or colour our view of the people concerned.

Perhaps it's less about 'forgiveness' as Ceri says and more about putting differences to one side. Grudge holding takes an awful lot of energy after all and I'd much rather accept that I'm probably wrong and get on with it than stew over old rows and disagreements.

I reckon life really is too short for all that.

Edit: This is of course not to imply that I think that other people's hurt is not real or genuinely felt, it's just that I think that when we don't 'forgive' or put aside those differences, we are hurting ourselves as much as anyone else.
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