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General Funnies
30-08-2006, 09:56 PM
Post: #1
General Funnies

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled jokes yearning to breathe free; basically, all jokes are welcome Big Grin


This one's a old gag, but this time told from a womans point of view...Bah!


A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope,sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm
a one-wish genie.

So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shapeafter being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a SIGH and said, "Let me see the f**king map again."


"While in my head time is collapsing and the currents run cold"
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30-08-2006, 10:08 PM
Post: #2
General Funnies
So, so true...

http://www.callcentermovie.com/movie/movie2.html


"While in my head time is collapsing and the currents run cold"
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30-08-2006, 10:30 PM
Post: #3
General Funnies
HushTheVoices Wrote:So, so true...

http://www.callcentermovie.com/movie/movie2.html

hehe, that's great!

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31-08-2006, 08:47 AM
Post: #4
General Funnies
Excellent!!:applause: :applause:

TRINITY JEWELLERY - DESIGNS THAT STAND OUT
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02-09-2006, 01:14 PM
Post: #5
General Funnies
love it :laugh:
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02-09-2006, 11:11 PM
Post: #6
General Funnies
In honour of my long rant about gaming and the musical I saw this evening...

Machinima*

*Not for young'uns within earshot


"While in my head time is collapsing and the currents run cold"
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03-09-2006, 11:18 AM
Post: #7
General Funnies
Four surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

But the fourth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are
interchangeable


"While in my head time is collapsing and the currents run cold"
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04-09-2006, 08:31 AM
Post: #8
General Funnies
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "Because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 60.

"I want the car too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles and says, "The airbag."
:pimp:


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04-09-2006, 10:53 PM
Post: #9
General Funnies
Have you ever wondered...

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder...

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ****."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on...

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


"While in my head time is collapsing and the currents run cold"
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04-09-2006, 10:57 PM
Post: #10
General Funnies
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love -for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning and, therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than 30 years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that, for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.


"While in my head time is collapsing and the currents run cold"
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