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Grace Dent's comments on Celeb BB
05-01-2007, 07:00 PM
Post: #1
Grace Dent's comments on Celeb BB

[FONT=Garamond, Times, Serif]Love the comment about H from Steps....:laugh: [/FONT]

[FONT=Garamond, Times, Serif]The dream team[/FONT]

[FONT=Garamond, Times, Serif]It's Celebrity Big Brother's launch night. Here I am again on the edge of my sofa all sparkly eyed and panting like an over-excited dalmatian. In Elstree the drenched opening-night crowd clutch damp banners, warming up their oesophaguses to boo each limousine.

Davina, dressed like a saucy Darth Vader, is giving us a house tour. It's very much like all the other houses really but with heated seats and a letterbox for messages from the outside world. There's a double bed, too, which Davina seems to think is very original. "Imagine if you're a celebrity waking up with a celebrity you don't really know!" she squeaks. She's clearly never woken up after one of those celebrity soccer five-a-side events, which is basically just one big inter-Z-list rut.

After a lot more wittering about soft furnishings, we're allowed to see the first guest.

[b]Jermaine Jackson

On a fluffy cloud of serenity, Jermaine Jackson hovers up the red carpet dressed in Joseph's coat of many colours and jeans festooned in messages from the Jackson clan, who are clearly collecting the "krazy clothes in simple steps!" De Agostini magazines. "All I can remember of my Jackson 5 days," says Jermaine in his VT, "is never being able to finish the show as there were so many girls screaming and rushing to the stage to touch us!"

This sounds like great training for eviction night, Jermaine. Except instead of "girls" it will be a "rabid tanning supervisors from Borehamwood who've been knocking back rosé wine since 4pm". And instead of "cheering" it will be "frenzied abuse" and instead of "rushing the stage to touch you" it will be "rushing the raised plinth in a car park to flatten your MC Hammer hair with a cardboard banner". Enjoy!

Danielle Lloyd
Disgraced Miss Great Britain and full-time WAG Danielle is tall, beautiful, elegant and seemingly lovely, if a bit naive. Danielle's VT shows her claiming to have a life consisting of nothing more than spending Terry Sheringham's money on knickers and sounding amazed when the topless shots she did for Playboy were actually printed in Playboy.

A major point in Danielle's favour is her distinct lack of pointless girly screaming, instead opting to greet everyone with a handshake and a dignified "hello". To me, Danielle seems like a caged bird, who, after achieving nine GCSEs, two A-levels and the WAG status she has so coveted for years, now lives a rather futile life of cooking dinner for a permanently in-training 40-year-old footballer and buying shoes and frocks in a ceaseless quest to compete with a bunch of brain-lite harpies.

I can't wait to see what happens once she lets her hair down, forgets about the outside world and falls in love with Donny Tourette.

Ken Russell
The first true "gasp" moment of the night for me. Ken is interesting as he's almost 80 and will be treated as a doddery old duffer by many - most will forget that he's been raising hell and outraging the great and good for decades. There is nothing that can shock Ken Russell. He used to party with Oliver Reid and the Who, his films were filled with mucky sex, blasphemy, torture and medieval burnings.

Ken doesn't tend to hold back his opinions, preferring to call it as he sees it. The residents of Keswick, Cumbria found that out a few years ago when he told the world they were a bunch of wife swappers.
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="Blue"]Ken is escorted down the stairs into the house by Davina. He's either coming out of the front door as a winner or out of the back door in a box after an ill-fated "sumo-suit grapple" challenge. I can hardly watch.

Jo O'Meara
Jo "formerly of S-Club" O'Meara's VT tape is a revelation to me. I had her down as a posh stage-school type, not this rough-diamond Pat-Butcher-in-the-early-years Essex girl into dog-breeding. Within minutes of entering the house Jo has established herself on the sofa, arms crossed and stiff faced.

Jo seems to have spent her entire childhood in a pop band being spat around the world at high speed, but now isn't in a band, isn't a celeb, doesn't sing, hates press intrusion and doesn't know who the hell she is any more and has come on Celebrity Big Brother to try and work it all out. Good luck with that one.

Leo Sayer
Woooh - watch out, we've got a live wire here! "I'm the sort of person who is good at cheering up a room!" says 70s pop sensation Leo Sayer, lugging his holdall full of itching powder, whoopee cushions and clingfilm to put over toilet seats into the CBB house. Leo looks like he will be a great house mediator. He steps up and offers to share the double bed with Donny Tourette after Danielle and Jo begin to have hysterics at the prospect - no-one susses out that if the two girls simply shared the double bed then they'd both be safe.

Leo sets about introducing himself to everyone with the classic inter-showbiz nod and backslap that means "I'm famous! You're famous! We're all in the same club!" This totally throws some of the younger security guards who just think that Screech from Saved by the Bell is looking well rough these days.

Donny should not be given alcohol. It's a bit like that whole gremlins/bright-light/
feeding-after-midnight scenario

Shilpa Shetty
Bollywood superstar Shilpa has been set up as a bit of a prima donna by her VT tape, where she boasts of entourages and how she is "synonymous with glamour". Shilpa has never watched Big Brother. "The only thing I hope to keep is my self-respect and dignity," she says, speaking as someone who clearly didn't see the George Galloway body popping to Kraftwerk's Trans-Europe Express in a neon unitard clip 25 times this Christmas on Five's Greatest Most Embarrassing TV Moments.

Carole Malone
Brilliant. A columnist. This should shake things up if any of them actually read newspapers. As someone else who gets paid to write basically whatever passes through their head then print it with my name and a picture at the top, I may well be Carole Malone's only supporter in Britain right now. For how long will she be able to stay calm, motherly and charming? I know she'll have an opinion on every single one of them. Great, now I have to watch all the live feed, too. Goodbye, January.

Donny Tourette
From what I can figure about Donny from Towers of London, he appears to be two distinct people. The first person is little Patrick Brannam from Buckinghamshire who is sweet, affable, very intelligent, highly ambitious and good with women (who can't quite decide whether to mother him or molest him, so usually do both). The other person is Donny Tourette. Donny should not be given alcohol. It's a bit like that whole gremlins/bright-light/feeding-after-midnight scenario.

Simply add alcohol and Donny is prone to becoming boss-eyed, childishly argumentative, totally irrational, repetitive, ranty and, above all, violent. In those cases, I would advise locking Donny in the larder and waiting till dawn for Patrick to re-emerge sheepishly. Deep down all Patrick wants to be is a legendary rock star. I don't know if he'll ever achieve it, but for this moment in time, 5 January 2007, he is one of the most famous people in Britain. Well done him.

Ian "H" Watkins
H from Steps has had a whirlwind day today. This morning he came out as gay, now he's in the Celebrity Big Brother house! H is overjoyed to see Jo, his blonde, decidedly-more-butch counterpart in S Club 7. H changes down into something more comfortable, ie a Jennifer-Beale-legwarmers-and-shorts-Flashdance-audition outfit. Then he lies on the sofa and reminisces with Jo about the days when he used to twirl about in a cowboy hat, lemon singlet and pastel-coloured parachute pants, when his sexuality was frankly an enigma to everyone.

Cleo Rocos
I stood beside Cleo Rocos recently and I was mesmerised by her beauty. Her skin was like porcelain and she oozed coquettish, womanly allure and slightly bonkers showbiz glamour. Cleo will have put a smile on the face of every man over 30 who remembers her perpetually clad in a purple basque and stockings during the 80s. Cleo seems to have bonded with Donny Tourette, possibly because he puts her in mind of Kenny Everett doing Rod Stewart.

Dirk Benedict
Face from The A-Team arrives in the A-Team van to the theme tune and pretends BA Baracus is in the back, to the joy of the crowd. "I told them no cigars, no Benedict," he tells the housemates smugly. I love it when the celebrities think their agents have worked out airtight contracts full of their rights. I'm looking out for day 17 when Dirk and Donny are crawling around the garden looking for butt-ends to make into a rollie.

The family next door?
There is a family moving into the house next door tonight! Who can it be? The Goody clan? The fabulous f****** Fulfords? The entire Lauren Harries clan? The Armstrongs? The Bardsleys? The Redgraves? The Sawalhas? Please, please, please, let it be Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife and kids… Why am I so excited? How have they trapped me again? Oh, god.[/COLOR]

Liking the cut of your jib.........[Image: aniburns.gif]
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05-01-2007, 08:02 PM
Post: #2
Grace Dent's comments on Celeb BB
Lovely. 'cept Iwould like to point out that it is TEDDY Sheringham, not Terry. Living in a house with 4 West Ham supporters I would not be being ffair if I let him be referred to as Terry anymore.

Thank you.:bag:
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05-01-2007, 10:22 PM
Post: #3
Grace Dent's comments on Celeb BB
That was fantastic .... and i agree with every single word.

I'm not perfect, but im so close it scares me
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06-01-2007, 02:22 PM
Post: #4
Grace Dent's comments on Celeb BB
Buzz Wrote:Lovely. 'cept Iwould like to point out that it is TEDDY Sheringham, not Terry. Living in a house with 4 West Ham supporters I would not be being ffair if I let him be referred to as Terry anymore.

Thank you.:bag:

Ooh I never noticed that gaffe. Grace obviously isnt a footie fan eh lol....

Liking the cut of your jib.........[Image: aniburns.gif]
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06-01-2007, 06:36 PM
Post: #5
Grace Dent's comments on Celeb BB
Brilliant as usual :laugh:

[SIZE="1"][COLOR="Red"]Before criticising someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes...[/COLOR]
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08-01-2007, 05:18 PM
Post: #6
Grace Dent's comments on Celeb BB
Even Grace Dent is getting disheartened re the inclusion of the Goody Clan....

"H, give us a hand here…say goodbye to everyone," said Donny Tourette jumping over the CBB fence on Friday night. "Mate, I'm out of here. I'm not f****** waiting hand and foot on some f****** moron and her family. I'm out."

As exits go from Big Brother, this was possibly the most dignified ever. No threats, no sobbing, no trots back and forth to the diary room or listening to their hokum about needing "24 hours to prepare"; just direct, positive action. If he'd jumped on the night bus from Borehamwood he could've reached Koko in Camden for last orders.

This would be much more fun than an evening trapped in a scullery with Leo Sayer's incessant twaddle or Jo's perma-frown. After expending all of her earthly allocation of joy during a particularly jocund S Club Party in 2000, Jo O'Meara appears to be working on a Pauline Fowler tribute act. "I don't do small talk," she told Donny as they began their 25-day incarceration. You can't blame Donny for walking.

Obviously, the main reason Donny left was the arrival of the multi-millionaire entertainment conglomerate Jade Goody plc. Jade arrived with her mother "Jackiey", (a woman so inherently dim that even her own name is a spelling mistake) and a young boy called Jack who's from the David Beckham/Leona Lewis school of charisma.

Jack's job is to be Jade's boyfriend and wear outfits that complement hers and appear in endless exclusive stories in Hot Celebs! magazine with titles such as: "Our fight over skimmed milk!" "Why I stormed out of the milk aisle!" or "It's a bit annoying when Jade steals the phone pen!"

I've nothing against the Goody clan in general; I'm just surprised and more than a bit dismayed to see them in Celebrity Big Brother.

For me, the point of the show is watching celebs we don't know a great deal about and observing their hidden side as it gently emerges. Back in 2002, I was keen to find out more about Jade Goody. That's why E4's What Jade Did Next was such a success. It was fun to see Jade at home and find out more about her nightmare mother Jackiey.

Then on Channel 4's Celebrity Wife Swap we all got a further look at "the real Jade". And in Five's Back to Reality we saw her returning to a Big Brother-style house for weeks. By this point there was little left to know about Jade's past or present. Nothing that wasn't in her warts-and-all autobiography, anyhow.

If you wanted any more footage of Jade being gobby and her mum being chavvy, you could watch Living TV's Jade's Salon, a reality-TV show about Jade's business. Or Living TV's Jade's PA. Or 60 Minute Makeover or Extreme Makeover where Jade and Jackiey both bickered and acted thick for the cameras.

Prior to Friday night, I refused to believe that it would actually be Jade's family going into Celebrity Big Brother. Largely because I'd found out about it a week beforehand via the serious investigative journalist tactic of walking to my corner shop and buying a newspaper. Everyone in Britain knew. All the celebs knew, too. They'd spent two days in the CBB house talking about Jade arriving. "This is all a smoke screen!" I told everyone, "They'll have someone really brilliant to put in!"

But it wasn't anyone brilliant, it was the Goody clan. Then the house was divided into paltry and luxury quarters. Then Donny Tourette walked. And somewhere inside of me a light for Celebrity Big Brother died. I'd been enjoying watching Donny play I-Spy with Jermaine Jackson and chatting about the music industry. And everyone trying to keep a straight face when he talks about his son "Jermajesty".

I enjoyed watching H from Steps show Jermaine his Bo' Selecta! impression. Or watching little-ray-of-sunshine Danielle hobbling about in her high heels doing her Aveline from Bread "Burrrrrr I'm a modddddel!" sing-song voice. It was starting to be good fun.

By Sunday, the house is a misery to watch. Everyone is playing a master/servant game of which neither the housemates nor the viewers at home understand the rules. Ken's left. Danielle is crying a lot. H looks knackered. Leo has taken a vow of silence. Meanwhile, Jackiey is being exactly like Jackiey always is.

I've seen it all before. Jackiey can't say Shilpa as it's too complicated so she calls her whatever springs to mind. It's an unamusing version of Little Britain's Marjorie Dawes on Fat Club listening to the lady in the sari then shaking her head in confusion and saying "Eh..? Something about curry?"

This is a weird point for me and CBB. I love Big Brother. I've loved it since day one, but right at this precise moment another three weeks feels like a chore. I've also lost any faith in voting after BB7, because let's face it, what is the point in voting out Jackiey if she can be put back in on day 23 in a "twist" and go on to win anyhow?

I turned over to BBC1 halfway through the CBB highlights show last night and watched Hannah Waterman doing tuneless karaoke on Just the Two of Us instead. When CBB starts losing feeble-minded disciples like me, they need to be worried. I love Big Brother so much I'll put up with anything. I've sat up till 5am before listening to Maggot from Goldie Lookin' Chain explain in loving, intricate detail his favourite parts of the Brecon Beacons.

If I had my way, I'd sweep out all the Goodys, stick in another three rock stars/comedians/whatever, get the house united and laughing again and begin the game afresh.

It was a good point, well made, Donny Tourette. Maybe I shouldn't be wasting my time watching some f****** moron and her family, either.

Have I missed the ingenuity of putting Jade Goody into Celebrity Big Brother? Mail me on " OD" - and come back on Wednesday for my next update…

Liking the cut of your jib.........[Image: aniburns.gif]
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