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Janets altered ego column
27-11-2004, 12:56 PM
Post: #1
Janets altered ego column

People may think I was aving a plucking mid life crisis when I limmow-zeened my way into the jungle but I know exactly why I am here. The hardest part has been the Gawd awful terrace get together at an overpriced hotel. I wanted to desperately pull out a tiara and start on Paul, getting the idea into your head is fun, then having to tell yourself to stop is so boring, I really wanted to be rotten. I did just about manage a civil quip. No one noticed that I had on the ugliest dress I could find, I knew everyone was going to have a field day over my teeth hair ‘charm’ and lack of botox but who the pluck wants any of it. Cliff Richards has it all dress sense, charm, nice teeth and botox plus, and he looks plucking dreadful, so dreadful he would scare the animals out of the jungle and spoil all the suffering. Look real, be real that’s been my motto. Apart from the hints in the press I had no certain idea who would be there but I was not surprised to be amongst some pretty girls and ugly boys though I was shocked to realise I think I’ve maybe got the biggest and the baggiest breasts which was a bluddie surprise, maybe Sheila beats me but hers are so bluddie balconied in that fancy frock she had on I couldn’t tell.

Asking me to get on a plucking horse and ride in to the jungle when I could have plucking walked faster was ridiculous. What entertainment value did the producers think that gave. They do the silly business at the camp, beds for nine, hammock for one. Fran an Irish man with a well known girlfriend who I have never heard of has the hammock. That means he is either too nice for his own good or he has no real drive to get ahead. I wasn’t plucking donating a bed. If Sheila keeps singing I might have to make some jungle ear plugs its one thing to turn on the radio its another to have to be polite and tactful in one go to turn singing off. She is very accomplished and we all could have been buying Sheila Sings CD’s and not Diana Ross but she isn’t, she is here with me, a Live the Experience journalist and an assorted bunch of bluddie money makers.
My soft spot rash is coming out on Brian, he really is one of these victims of the plucking pop machine money spinners. He wants to get ahead and get another record deal and then what??? Poor lamb. Why don’t they hold him up and scream do your schooling kids, work Bluddy hard cos it plucking helps, In an odd way he makes me think of that idiot that one nine million and did it occur to him to buy in someone to help him get an education and stamina for life, course not, no bloddie value for education in our society, that’s why there so many Gawd awful reality programmes.
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27-11-2004, 02:18 PM
Post: #2
Janets altered ego column
Janets altered ego column continued

I don’t know and I don’t plucking care what the GBP are going to think when they see I have a soft side. I’ve built a career being an almost bigger bitch than my mother. Nothing Independent about that rag I spew forth for anymore, they have downmarketed to keep up with the downhill trend. They no longer use their award winning heavily touted and credible photojournalists (Pilston Sandison et al) to go real places and bring back images that speak volumes. Like the rest of society the Indie has kept them home and downgraded them to take local shots at celebs and politicians. Gawd its such a Bluddy shame Apart form my own curiosity the reason I am in the jungle is because the Indie is slowly emerging as the so called thinking persons hello and is dragging us all down with it.
Should I be in the Jungle?
Course I should! this is journalism and journalism is about running with the times. I had got bored commenting from an un-initiated angle. I actually approached them. “Gor on I sed Giv us a gow the Indie will Pay, you have to have me”! Mind you they only wanted board and lodgings so we have settled
I must be the Only Celeb who paid to be ‘ere we did agree on £4.27 board and lodgings, I refused to pay for ther flight and hotel as they wanted it all done on the bleeding quiet, for plucks sake more leaks than Thames bluddie water.
Brians sulking
Sheilas divaing
Huggy is kinging
Paul is serving
Fran is ogling
Sophie and Nancy are coupling
Natalie is crying
Joe is squeaking
As for me I am plucking glorying in it.
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28-11-2004, 10:47 AM
Post: #3
Janets altered ego column
The reason I am sitting so comfortably in the jungle with no qualms about coping is I have worked in many arenas similar to this but without the moderating influence of 24 hour camers. Anyone who has worked to deadline and had to interpret events to an editors satisfaction has survived the concrete jungle. Love me or hate me but I’ve worked more than my aurrsse off to get where I am and I didn’t do it by keeping my Gob shut and chewing on a bic bluddie daydreaming.
What has Natilie Brian and Fran really done? They have followed managers orders bickered with there pals but they have not had to work from their own initiative I mean work so hard doing the lot, making bookings, driving the van, begging for publicity shots and recognise even the hugely talented fight for their careers. Poor bluddie kids are at a level in their aspirations that is unsustainable by their skills so any puppeteers out there looking for some money making muppets they are exposed vulnerable and ready. I find it all very sad. Too much Bluddie money too flluckin quickly does these kids heads in, see I repeatd myself, well it bluddie annoys me.
Shiela is a fine example of a sustainable career after girl band stardom. I can say it is at times a pleasure to be in the jungle with her especially when she gets pissed off. She can be allowed the luxury for career promotion, she has longevity and form, not in a huge life dis-enhancing way like D.Ross appears to have veered. Sheila is well regarded and respected for her talent. Apparently her royal connections are the sort Paul Burrel would die for, she sits, not waits at royal tables.

I can’t fathom Huggie out I don’t even remember him in Starsky and Hutch I can remember the cars. Lets be honest I don’t recall much of Starsky and hutch I was too busy building my career. I wasn’t a boring little deprived wallflower I joined in the goss about them with the best using hearsay and the tv listing reviews.
I nearly sheet myself when Jim walked in, we go back so many flucking years its embarrassing, he used to tell me he saw me as a Mother figure. I can never let the cat out the bag graciously so off went the Gob and a wonderful moaning moment just to support the others this could be tricky. I don’t know how him and nancy will manage after all the press inches about the frequency of their sexploits.
The only acting I could do is the mother from hell since faking it makes me feel so unnerved and edgy. I decided to spare another generation of the supporting roles.
That bluddie Sophie has it all, brains, determination and beauty. Gawd I hope she stays off them drugs and uses them brains wisely, I am warming to her pity I’m straight I could sit with Fran and we could ogle together.
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30-11-2004, 10:26 AM
Post: #4
Janets altered ego column
I am feeling so chilled that it is terrifying me, I’ve even been being nice. This whole experience is so farking surreal, we are hungry but we are far from bloodie starving. Lack of food will make them think they are weak, rice and beans are enough, with no inner strength and no intellectual comparism to the real world some people in here really believe they are suffering. There are people out there really dying of starvation and this is meant to be hard? we havn’t even got to walk bloodie miles for safety or water or food, get real it’s a game and a bit of growth in understanding how half the world lives wouldn’t farkin go amiss. I wish they would shut up about it and get off their bleeding arssses and look for food.
Having a at home/work moment , can’t help thinking of what sort of pics that Lyn cull’em and kill’em the Indies pictures editor will be selecting of me and which of the award winning photojournalists time and talent she will waste getting to do my Independent aka as ‘The Populus Intellects Hello and OK’ goss’ rag, post jungle photo shoot, for gawds sake Lyn get our photojournalists out into the world again and stop all this celebrity snapping and lift a picture off TV! You’ve been doing it long enough for everything farking other world event. I’ve even been getting me ‘air done out ’ere so you can get a decent shot of me looking bleeding tantalizingly tousled.
If this whole experience was much more than the few weeks of having a laugh, I would have had to have demanded a few classier contestants, one example is Juan Diego Flórez, not only is he a tasty looking geezer he understands about honing his career the hard graft way, he is not universally famous, and opera is not popular culture but he has to his credit done the rock star bit as well. He can be in my buffet any day.
One does wonder if Fran has had Boo! tattooed on his little appendage as a way of wowing the women. He is so much still a child I feel quite frightened for him. It would feel perverse to even contemplate putting him on me buffet when I get home. He would probably sell his bleeding story, I can see it now ‘Janets skin is so baggy I kept getting lost.’ showing he is still not taking any resposibiitie for his own life, he does mange that childish bogey flick finger shake that means something amused or impressed him quite well.
Joe has the monopoly for brilliance in bogey hunting I said “Joe you won’t get rid of your constipation that way” and he said “I know but at least if I keep pushing the bogeys back up it will keep me nose plugged and nothing else will come out” I thought he was storing them for when he was really hungry.

Fran is going on like some bloodie souped up sage giving so much patronising drivelling malarkey to the young ones, as he calls them that he is in serious danger of believing it himself . He got worse when I was thought I overheard Paul mention the two poor bleedin young heirs to the soddin throne from hell would be tuning in. Paul and Fran are so farkin serious about their own importance they are already a parody of themselves, bleeding director won’t be clever enough to edit it as such.

I keep waiting for Sheila to scratch Sophies beautifully made up eyes out. The simmering tension between them is only being diffused by Nancys antics. None of this lot really understand the Motown phenomenem Shiela was part of to be fair they are too young.
Nat has had too many BTT’s she is getting no farkin credit for doing well on her first one , only Nat and I have manged to get more than 5 stars and did NOT shout ‘get me out of ‘ere blah blah. Gawd knows how its been edited to get the public to vote that way.

I think I’m going to try to catch an eel.
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30-11-2004, 12:36 PM
Post: #5
Janets altered ego column
ooops too late to edit Fran is going on...should read Huggy is going on....
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02-12-2004, 04:55 PM
Post: #6
Janets altered ego column
And Oh what the fark I have nothing left to conquer in ere, the flora and fauna and food were never going to be a challenge and nor are my fellow contestants. I am having a bleeding brilliant time and this is the most intresting farkin holiday I’ve had for ages. Bit like rambling on the spot with morons.
Sheila and her YMCA dominatrix bleeding bikini have gone. Never in a million years, would I have thought they would have found someone who gave out worse than me in here. I’ve made my living being a grumpy mouthy bwitch but it doesn’t always suit one third of a legend. Wel,l I hope it has helped as a few million will know she has an Album release yesterday. Any of her old lady votes should switch to me. I came in here to be Queen of the Jungle and Eltiepoops has promised me a tiara if I win, I’m going to demand a bloodie coronation ceremony too.
Sophie is getting on my twits and Fran would like to get on sophies twits, we could have a bloodie orgie except huggy would spoil it by getting us to bleeding talk about it after. Strike that somehow orgie and Huggy are not compatible. I think I’m gonna be sick at the thought! someone like Huggy who you just know considers themselves to be a considerate lover and orgie don‘t mix.
Pooorl keeps getting his stuff moved, he is not a happy man but its easier to hear him do his jokey whine than sing his bleeding songs. With his new popularity he could have a launch of his own sing -along -with-Porl web site full of Christmas crarp. MI5 will probably shut him the Fark up, Poorl reckons he could get bumped. I won’t engage him in bledding conspiracy theory debate, I will bleedin kill him off myself if he wins this. He will thank me for shutting his brainless overemotional royal tittle tattle spewing gob, he is a much bigger partt than I ever imagined.. Poorl is only camping it up to win, hasn’t he noticed he is with Joe, the campest Mr straight in the business.
Joe is so bleeddin innocuous I have no idea what he is really like except he is two weeks short of a decent crarp. I keep hoping I can find a way to get Joe to blow his stack. Joe is a cross between Beanos’ Dennis the Menace and Walter the Softie he looks like Dennis and acts like Walter and talks like a bleeddin helium overdosed robot.
Fran is such a bloodie lemon he thinks he goes with everything I wish his bleeding fingers would flie off next time he does that stupid finger shake. He can never get off that youthful arrsse and get on with life. He’s going to wake up with some strings attached to his feet and wrists and aunty Janets going to have her own puppet show with him.
Can’t decide whether to be nice to Sophie or not, so unlike me to be indecisive but what Janet ego trip will pull the viewers votes. The, patronising, there there Sophie.. very convincing but fake! Oh janet just stick to Gawd I hope she farkin well gets voted off soon. I would like the numbers to be bit more gender balance on principle . No I don’t! I don’t give a kangaroos baalls who goes so long as its not me! Janet for Jungle Queen, get off your bleedin arrse and farkin phone up now!!
09011 32 32 04
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03-12-2004, 01:15 PM
Post: #7
Janets altered ego column
I don’t give a Fark how crass this bleedin looks and NO I am not grovelling but get off your bleedin arrsses and vote for me now.
090 11 32 32 04
Do the unexpected, since a person of colour cannot and never does win, the next big risqué triumph for an unsafe non boring non conformist unattractive champion is me.
090 11 32 32 04
Did I repeat myself then?
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03-12-2004, 03:24 PM
Post: #8
Janets altered ego column
There are times when an event drags you hurtling back to emotions that are impossible to disguise. I was well and truly hurtled when I had to face the reality, the same reality of not getting to be a sixer at brownies, rejection. I felt like Janet circa 1954 the red haired lanky kid with a face full of teeth and milk bottle bottoms who got given hell for not looking right. I am a mouthy opinionated overbearing bwitch in the opinion of many, too many in this case.
I’d rather stay farkin me in a million years AND be voted off than succeed by being a needs adapted personality chameleon like some of my competitors.
Being an editor requires appreciating the merit of others work or opinions even if you dislike them as people. I don’t go on the soft sofa rounds like |Poorl. I do give a bit of critical wellie in the more hard to discuss arenas. As a writer who writes all her own words I understand the integrity behind each sentence, and the impact it can have. I like to be hard hitting and farking controversial and opinionated that’s my tag and I don’t like bleeedin’ numbskulls coming along trying to flatter me in platitudes of farkin conformity.
I have never used someone to get my own way though that’s called farkin pitiful and if Poorl had really wanted to cook and come up to me and said it in real negotiatable mature intelligent terms rather than whining I might have conceded. Poorl is a coward so instead he uses a minion, what a Pratt he thinks he has outwitted me, what a farkin saddo and who suffers,? poor bleedin emus left with hapless no nurturing maternal instincts janet.
I await my fate it had to end soon and though I hate to say it I will be disappointed to be voted out….., but I’m not being voted out as you’re all going to get on that phone and vote for me. FARKIN PLEEEEZE!
090 11 32 32 04
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03-12-2004, 11:12 PM
Post: #9
Janets altered ego column
My ego is feeling so blooddie altered after that close shave I don't know where I farkin put it.
This has been such an interesting and enjoyable experience I can now entirely comprehend what the GBP enjoy about it, I will never ever understand there farkin allegiances though.
To have spent this much time with a complex raving loyal royal bigot like Burrell is farking weird. He is so ready to pander he can feel like an uncomfortable slime body suit there isn’t anywhere he doesn’t irritate you. He thinks he has me sussed, he doesn’t have a clue I can’t be arrssed to get ancy with him. Why kick a man when he is down, under all that pretence he is very down, he needs counselling it will take bleedin years.
Joe make me smile but he doesn’t make me laugh and I was very glad of his help with the emu’s poor bloodie birds getting me today, IF I had realised you get to go for along walk with them I would have hogged them, well no I wouldn’t that was Joes strength and mine is cooking.
After this I never want to spend that amount of time with anyone like them again.

Sophie and Fran make me realise why yoof TV floundered we were too farkin’ interesting and intelligent for post 60’s youth.

Sheila and Huggy never stood a chance to win because the social demographics dictate as much; they are black and they don’t win regardless how brilliant. Lemar from Fame Academy got beat by some untalented second chance smiler, which leaves me seriously worrying that Fran may win.

I feel torn between four fools in making my predictions on who will win since it will not be me, so I won’t. I am writing this before I am asked to leave so we are clear. I am looking forward to a bleeding good guzzle with Jim if I get out for a few good walks, it may just about have been worth it.

Once a bleedin brownie always a brownie I get all prepared and get me farkin leavin’ speech ready and the GBP go all unpredictable and keep me in.
To make it to the final three will be wonderful and to be here after Paul has left, is stupidly important to me. I am almost sure I will not win the competition but I farkin have to be in one day longer than Farkin Paul….and Fran.
I never was good at holding back the reins.
GET VOTING 090 11 32 32 04 NOW!
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03-12-2004, 11:56 PM
Post: #10
Janets altered ego column
Fantastic thread sheoque -wanted to keep it unsullied for more from Janet's ego, but PM being what it is.....

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