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08-05-2005, 10:09 AM
Post: #1

At this precise moment I don't know whether to wait for the heart attack or take an overdose before it happens. I am so stressed out that I feel sick and giddy!

It's a sad indictment of my life that the only thing I can do in a time like this is to post a message on here!

I can't even tell you what it's all about at the moment, it's just all a jumble in my head.

I'm falling into a black hole.

Help me
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08-05-2005, 10:52 AM
Post: #2
Crit, my friend, hold on. Don't beat yourself up about posting it here. This is the most honest, caring and supportive online community I've found. I know some of what hurts you, and my prayers are yours, love. xxx
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08-05-2005, 10:57 AM
Post: #3
I can only echo what dab has said Crit - hang on in there :hug:

ils xxx
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08-05-2005, 11:01 AM
Post: #4
In the same mode today, probably not the same reason as you Crit, but I hate these days. The thing is deepdown we know what we want to do and what we want dont we

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08-05-2005, 11:23 AM
Post: #5
Critique Wrote:I can't even tell you what it's all about at the moment, it's just all a jumble in my head.

I'm falling into a black hole.

Help me

Critique - you know don't you that stress is one of the most common things that patients present to GP's these days - not that knowing that will necessarily help, it's just to remind you that you're not isolated in this, and not going crazy.

I know that in the short term you might be able to help yourself by doing breathing exercises - breathe in for a count of three through your nose, hold that breath for three, then out through your mouth for a count of six. Keep it going and picture something calm and beautiful like a white tropical beach with blue seas and skies. If you keep this up for a while you can persuade your body that it's in a relaxed state.

Smoking is a stimulant and while it ofers a bit of short term relief it isn't really helping the situation and can in fact add to the stress feelings in your body.

Have you visited your GP - modern antidepressants can be very effective without zombifying you and counsellors are available as a matter of course for patients with depression/stress/anxiety

Is there a particular thing causing this problem and could you tell us about ithere?

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08-05-2005, 11:33 AM
Post: #6
Crit, I don't know what to say or how to help, but you should accept some help from somewhere. A trusted friend perhaps, who'll let you cry on their shoulder, who'll let you share the tension with them.

Sfanny's advice is sound, think about visiting your GP, and if there's anything you want to post here even if it's in the most general terms possible, don't worry because we'll listen and help where we can.
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08-05-2005, 02:01 PM
Post: #7
Hi all, thanks for the messages and hugs, I'm sorry I sounded so dramatic earlier - I don't often lose it like that but today has just been one long wind-up since I woke up this morning.

Dear Mazza phoned me and let me offload to her, bless her. She knows the background to my troubles - it would take a book to tell all on here.

Many of you know that my eldest son died of a heart attack at the age of 35 (6 years ago next month) and that's hard enough to deal with but my remaining son who is now the same age can be a complete and utter a/hole at times and despite the fact that I do far too much for him and I know I'm too soft, he always has a knack of storming out of the house in a temper and leaving me feeling so distressed. In my heart I know I should tell him to just get out of my face, but I am a mother and he's my only "child" now and these things conflict. Also, if I upset him it has a knock-on effect with my grandson who, frequently when I have stood up for him, has said "don't row with dad nan, I'm used to the way he treats me and I don't care, but when you upset him he takes it out on me"!!!

My son is a single parent, living in the flat below mine with my 12 yr old grandson - well I say living but they basically doss there when they are not at his girlfriend's. Poor little Tom gets dragged from pillar to post, spending alternate weekends with me, some days at the girlfriends (who has 2 boys of her own similar age to Tom, and her and my son have a 2 yr old together), seeing his mum Wednesday evenings and the other alternate Sunday.

Needless to say he doesn't "fit in" very well and has behavioural problems. He clashes with her boys because they really don't want him there, and they want their real dad back and not my son, so big issues there. Her boys have also had the benefit of a doting mother and a good father up to about age 9 whereas Tom had a mother suffering from accute depression and my son who was also going through a bad patch.

Me and my hubby are about the only stable thing in Tom's life. My hubby, although not his real grandad, is a gem with him and takes him model aeroplane flying, go-karting, remote control cars, you name it. His father, on the other hand, fawns all over the baby, dotes on his other 2 daughters who still live with Tom's mum but is constantly on Tom's back which upsets me no end as you can imagine.

Today's episode was a build up of things. (This is all probably very boring but I think I need to get it out so just skip it if it's sending you to sleep).

Last week our shower sprung a leak and seeped downstairs into my son's flat. It's such a tip down there with clothes and junk everywhere that I hadn't realised that a lot of his clothes got a soaking because Tom had raced downstairs and moved them so when I got there I didn't realise they had been underneath the drips. My son went off to stay at g/fs Monday and Tuesday but when he came back Wednesday he told me all his stuff was wet and smelly. He was also going to Paris Friday morning til Saturday (a birthday treat for his girlfriend (paid for by her parents) and had no money, being in debt with all his credit cards!

I suppose I felt guilty about the clothes and lent him £150 (which he is going to pay me back when he sells his motorbike!)

I'd arranged to have Tom and took him to school in the morning. I spent a lot of Friday washing all the smelly stuff and all day yesterday cleaning up son's flat (coffee cups with mould on them, cereal bowls with sour milk - it was really yuk) and folding and tidying all the washing. I was exhausted by evening.

Tom had an accident at the skatepark and fell on his head. His friends brought him home and I kept an eye on him but he seemed fine. He insisted that he was well enough to go to the Roller Disco which he loves so I drove him there, got home, parked the car and got a phone call from him saying he had a headache and wanted to come home! Off I went to fetch him back. I was worried and kept an eye on him, he wasn't sick or sleepy so I assumed he was OK.

This morning my son came home, said a brief hello to Tom and disappeared on his computer. Then he came upstairs where Tom was preparing to go to the skatepark and said "Me, Abby, and the boys (meaning her 2 and the baby) are going to a party at Abby's parents' house this afternoon. It's going to be really boring for you and if you come you will have to be on your best behaviour and I mean best behaviour - or do want to stay here with nan?"

Now don't you think this was a horrible way to put it? I was in Tom's head thinking "oh great, a party" then "oh, does dad want me to come or not". I could see him wondering what his dad wanted him to say. Would he be upset if he said he didn't want to come or upset if he did. In the end Tom said something quite logical "Does Abby want me to come?" With that my son stormed off and said "Don't give me that - we're not having this conversation" and went back downstairs!

Poor Tom was sitting with his head in his hands wondering whether he would upset his dad if he went or if he didn't!! I was furious. He shouldn't put him in that situation.

I asked Tom what he wanted to do and he said he might as well go to the skatepark. He was still worried though about what his dad wanted him to do.

I went and had a shower and when I came out my son came upstairs and said Tom was staying with me. He then started telling me about he had been on the computer and his bank had made all these bank charges etc. I just thought "oh here we go again - money" and I rolled my eyes. I was trying to roll a cigarette at the same time so I wasn't looking at him but he suddenly jumped up and said "I'm going - you're obviously not f**** interested".

I tried to say that I was, I was just doing something else but he started to go downstairs. I then got the red rage and shouted "If you're going off in a mood then don't play mind games with your son". There followed a slanging match and he stormed off and roared away, tyres squealing.

I just had that "I can't win" feeling.

He has since phoned up and apologised and admitted that he handled it badly and to tell Tom that he is wanted at the party - if he comes home before 3.30pm. It's just started raining which means Tom will probably come home from the skatepark!

In the midst of all the argy bargy this morning, my washing machine didn't spin properly and my washing was dripping and then my husband phoned up and told me to get on the train to Barnham (only 5 mins away) with his bank card because he needed to get some money and he would meet me there!!!

Sorry this is all so long and boring but can you see why I am having my 19th nervous breakdown.
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08-05-2005, 02:13 PM
Post: #8
Critique, what a horrible situation to be in. Not only do you have to deal with your son and the mood swings he has towards you, you are also having to deal with your grandson and the effects of his dad's behaviour towards him. That must really hurt having to see your grandson so confused and hurt. Then comes the relationship with Abby and her children on top of that, and how that is affecting your grandson. On top of that, feeling that you have to rescue your son when he is having financial problems. No wonder you are stressed.

I can't change your situation Critique, but what I can say is that anyone in that situation would be feeling exactly the same way as you. SF was right in that you need to take deep breaths and relax and try to understand that as much as you would like to, you cannot change his behaviour. All you can do is be a support to your grandson and realise that what you do is good enough.

"You cannot teach people anything. You can only help them discover it within themselves."
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08-05-2005, 02:21 PM
Post: #9
Sorry to hear that Crit, I cant help, but I would sit and think, at these times, how much Tom must love you.

Sometimes you cant win, but you can do what you feel in your heart is right.


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08-05-2005, 02:47 PM
Post: #10
I remember being in a similar situation a few years ago. I was so desperately tired that I literally, literally wanted to die, just so I could sleep and get everyone to leave me alone and stop tearing me from pillar to post. I had got stuck in an endless cycle of trying to heal everybody's woes, make everything alright, and ensure they were all looked after and happy.

In fact what I really wanted to do was heal myself.

Instead I tried to heal my hurt through healing theirs, I took care of them instead of me, I was doing anything but deal with the issues that caused my problem in the first place.

Over a long period of time I realised that you cannot affect the actions of others. You cannot make things better for them, no matter how much you do, or how much you are there for them, if things are not "right" in their own mind.

I can understand why you feel you have to do everything you can to help your son, but I think you need to realise now that you are not helping him in the long term. One day you won't be there any more, and he needs to learn to do things for himself without your intervention. Furthermore, if he is determined not to look after himself, nothing you do will make a difference anyway. It is doubly hard where children are involved, but there will be a way that suits everybody, and you need to be able to view your situation clearly and objectively in order to find it.

The only person you can change is you, and you can do it if you want to. You need to make time for yourself and heal yourself before you start healing other people. Please, please log on to and try the "You Can Change Your Life" book by Paul McKenna. I know I keep banging on about it, but it will genuinely help you to change your thought patterns and clear your mind. It will also help you to deal with the stress you feel in a more positive way. It cannot change your circumstances (nothing can) but what it CAN do is help you to think in a clearer and more productive manner, so you can find the answers for yourself.

You can spend a fortune on counselling, but all they will do is listen to you, and you will still have to find the answers yourself. Buying a book is much cheaper and (I found) more productive.

If you do the exercises every day and listen to the CD regularly, you will notice dramatic and positive changes. Aside from anything else, the CD is deliberately deeply relaxing and will help you to slow down and calm down as well.

I am not suggesting that you can remove your problems, because like everybody's, they are always there. All I am saying is that you can change your existing behaviours and thought processes to make things clearer and help you to deal with other people in ways that will benefit both you and them.

If you doubt this is the thing to do then ask yourself what your son would have wanted for you? I am sure you know he would not have wanted you to struggle on the way you are now. I don't doubt that he would wish for you to take some "me" time - so don't ever feel guilty for doing it.
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