WOODSTOCK'S VIDEO STORE - "We pride ourselves on our exemplary customer service"

Product recall: I wish to apologise to all our customers for the mis-placement of a certain film title within the adult section. It should have been carefully stored around the back in the "bestiality section". This was an error made by one of our newly appointed junior staff who has since been issued with his leave from the company. Therefore, as we pride ourselves on our excellent repute in customer relations, we wish to announce of three new vacancies at Woodstock's Video Store (as we also sacked two other recently appointed junior staff for failing in the revision and full daily recital of Woodstock's Video Store 16,957 words-long directive towards customer satisfaction. All customers are welcome to apply. However we do wish to stress that due to our experience with idle, idiotic younger staff we are now looking to appoint more mature individuals within the company. Your pay will reflect the nature of your work. This means you shall receive nothing - as we do nothing here at Woodstock's Video Store

If you are interested, then please forward your name and explain in no more than 32 words why on earth we should hire you. I shall personally be hiring the latest applicants myself, as I also fired my Human Resources Manager for due diligence - we both agreed that this sounded convincing and as a result I managed to get away with it. Anyone interested in this particular post is required to message me personally and state in no less than 15 words why I should even think of taking on your services. WVS is an Equal opportunites employer.

Deer Mista Wudstok

I wud like a job in yor vidjo shop as I luv flims and I am grate with peeple. I can wurk a cumputah wiv wun fingah & luk the dogs in a uneeform.
Luv Pandora xx

Deer Mista Wudstok

I wud like a job in yor vidjo shop as I luv flims and I am grate with peeple. I can wurk a cumputah wiv wun fingah & luk the dogs in a uneeform.
Luv Pandora xx

I'm pleased to inform you that you passed the literacy test (with flying colours) and we can offer you a permanent position here at WVS. We are looking to fill the following positions:-

Human Resources Manager: Shall be responsible for all staff related issues, including the hiring and firing of employees at his/her own discretion. This role requires ultimate competence but is a thoroughly rewarding position.

Senior Rentals Supervisor: A demanding role within the company, you will be responsible for the presentation and appearance in all aspects of the store. May involve attending promotions events and liaising with rival stores to glean valuable information which we might use to strengthen the reputation of WVS.

Assistant to Senior Rentals Supervisor:Required to work unsociable hours - WVS will become an around-the-clock venture. In the absence of the SRS, you will oversee all manner of operations within the store. Must be flexible and prepared to work long arduous shifts.

General Store Operative: Your responsibilities shall extend from ensuring that the company maintains its reputation as one of the leading Video/DVD rentals companies the world over - to preparing sandwiches and coffee for senior staff members. The applicant must be able to demonstrate that he/she can work independently and on their own initiative. Must also expect to take occasional abuse from those in the higher echelons of the company structure. A good sense of humour is a prerequisite for this position as is a willingness to dress in a Chipmunk outfit for lengthy periods of time during store opening hours.

Please could you indicate which of the aforementioned positions you are interested in occupying.

May I take this opportunity to personally thank you for showing an interest in this company and I wish you every success in your new position here at WVS.

Woodstock

Mr Woodstock

I would like to apply for the job of Human Resources Manager. I have always been interested in peoples lives (nosy cow) and am very good at social interaction (going to the pub at lunchtimes). I am currently employed in a junior position and feel the time has come to further my career prospects - and I find myself unable to continue working with the Cat, due to her general unpleasantness and odour.

Give us a bell and let us know if I get the job.

Cheers

Buzz

Dear Mr Wudstok

Yeahbutnobutyeh, I wud like to wear the chipmunk outfit an be a jenrul store opritive cuz Tania, right, she sez she wud luk better, but she dont no nuthin, yeh? so shahhh apppp. Anyway Tony Tozier sed Id be bettah at makin coffee and sarnwidges for yew all etc, cuz that Tania, right, she weed in Candice's trainer durin PE and Candice, rite, she just went aaape and pulled Tania's burberry cap off rite an pooed in it, so nobuddy likes Tania any more - and anyway she's got one tit bigga than the other ...........

Yurs trooly
Viky PollARD

Pandora xxxx

Dear Mr Wudstok

Yeahbutnobutyeh, I wud like to wear the chipmunk outfit an be a jenrul store opritive cuz Tania, right, she sez she wud luk better, but she dont no nuthin, yeh? so shahhh apppp. Anyway Tony Tozier sed Id be bettah at makin coffee and sarnwidges for yew all etc, cuz that Tania, right, she weed in Candice's trainer durin PE and Candice, rite, she just went aaape and pulled Tania's burberry cap off rite an pooed in it, so nobuddy likes Tania any more - and anyway she's got one tit bigga than the other ...........

Yurs trooly
Viky PollARD

Pandora xxxx

Girl.....your finger is on the pulse! :laugh: Are you writing the scripts for Little Britain? - very good!

Anyway, you're as good as hired. (chipmunk suit is being couriered over to you) Start Monday......and don't be late.

2 vacancies remaining

Girl.....your finger is on the pulse! :laugh: Are you writing the scripts for Little Britain? - very good!

Anyway, you're as good as hired. (chipmunk suit is being couriered over to you) Start Monday......and don't be late.

2 vacancies remaining Yayyyyyy !!!!! :laugh:

Dear Sir Woodstock

I would like to apply for the position of 'Senior Rentals Supervisor', at your outstanding establishment.

I live for film and have always wanted to work in a video store (if only to get first dibs on the promotional stuff). I am a highly trained surveillance operative (I've been stalking the stars for years and have only been arrested once!) so spying on the competition wouldn't be a problem.

I pride myself on my appearance (well I change my underwear everyday anyway) and have always had a good way with people (I have a very scarey look that usually means I win any heated discussion before it even reaches luke warm).

Yours hopefully

Coastie

P.S. Any chance I can have the Chipmunk outfit at weekends :devil:

Any chance I can have the Chipmunk outfit at weekends :devil


As Human resources manager, i think that contravenes Health and Safety, borrowing outfits from one another.......I will speak to Mr W and see if you can have your own.

As Human resources manager, i think that contravenes Health and Safety, borrowing outfits from one another.......I will speak to Mr W and see if you can have your own. *puts hand up* ummm scuse me? Umm about the chipmunk outfit? well she carnt borro it now cuz I weed it.
So shah apppp.
:unsure:

roflmao.......

you are gonna have your hands full with Pan and Coastie Woodstock - give me a shout if you need some counselling after spending too much time with them!!!!
Be afraid, be VERY afraid :laugh: :laugh:

21st January 2005

Mrs Cat
SO Coffee Lounge
The World Wide Web
Universe
WWW 4UD

Dear Mr Woodstock,

I saw your recruitment advertisement in the December edition of
House Wives Weekly and thought I would reply.

Even though the position wasn't advertised I wondered if you have ever considered employing an Entertainments Manager? I feel I would fit the bill!

I have got my PUB Diploma "1st grade honours and ClUB City and Guilds - 1st.

I hope that my application is of interest to you and await your reply.

Yours sincerely
Mrs Cat

[I]I would like to apply for the position of 'Senior Rentals Supervisor', at your outstanding establishment.


This vacancy is now filled.......by you - congratulations!!

Start Monday. I already placed an order for additional chipmunk suits. Unfortunately there is little time remaining between now and the commencement of your employment at WVS to have it couriered to you. There was the deluxe courier option but we here at WVS do not feel it necessary to needlessly squander away petty cash that can be better used to bribe vital information from those working within the lower echelons of rival stores.

Once again may I thank you (I haven't already - so it renders the once again obsolete) for showing interest in becoming a WVS employee.

I wish you every success with the company.

Woodstock - Executive Director

-------------------------------------

1 vacancy remaining

I wondered if you have ever considered employing an Entertainments Manager?

This is an interesting suggestion. I hadn't pre-empted any necessity for such a position as I had it in mind to have my Senior Rentals Supervisor take on this responsibility (I really didn't want her to catch wind of this as I planned to run her into the ground with endless tasks so that much of what would ordinarily be my concern is taken off my shoulders to release me for outside activities - ie, squash, badminton, golf, and occasional luncheon meetings, to mention only a few)

I will refer you to the Human resources Dept. with regards this particular issue. I can honestly see no reason why we would not have room for someone operating in this capacity.

Thank you for your interest.

Woodstock - Executice Director

facsimile message fao: Buzz (Human Resources)

Due to quite an overwhelming number of applicants, we have now almost filled all postions. I have personally approved of three people, each of whom I consider an asset to the company and its future reputation. Should you approve yourself, the company structure will be as follows:

General Store Operative: Pandora Braithwaite
Assitant to the Senior Rentals Supervisor: open
Senior Rentals Supervisor: Coastie
Entertainments Coordinator: Cat
Human Resources Manager: Buzz
Executive Director: Woodstock

I am extremely pleased with the response and it only reinforces my optimism that WVS will become the No.3 Video/DVD rentals outlet the world over. I hereby pass on those applicants and would expect you to reach a decision of their fates regarding employment at WVS asaihp.

On a final note regarding the issue we have over the Assistant to the Senior RS I had noticed that a certain "Queenie" forwarded her name. It might be a good idea to contact her and request confirmation of her interest in the company. Thus we would have all vacancies filled - this is vital as operations begin in earnest this coming Monday. I thank yo...

Woodstock - Executive Director

f we meet in the broom cupboard, would it futher my career; I could wear my viking costume.

facsimile message fao: Buzz (Human Resources)

Due to quite an overwhelming number of applicants, we have now almost filled all postions. I have personally approved of three people, each of whom I consider an asset to the company and its future reputation. Should you approve yourself, the company structure will be as follows:

General Store Operative: Pandora Braithwaite
Assitant to the Senior Rentals Supervisor: open
Senior Rentals Supervisor: Coastie
Entertainments Coordinator: Cat
Human Resources Manager: Buzz
Executive Director: Woodstock

I am extremely pleased with the response and it only reinforces my optimism that WVS will become the No.3 Video/DVD rentals outlet the world over. I hereby pass on those applicants and would expect you to reach a decision of their fates regarding employment at WVS asaihp.

On a final note regarding the issue we have over the Assistant to the Senior RS I had noticed that a certain "Queenie" forwarded her name. It might be a good idea to contact her and request confirmation of her interest in the company. Thus we would have all vacancies filled - this is vital as operations begin in earnest this coming Monday. I thank yo...

Woodstock - Executive Director
What are our jobs then.

Fellow workers

It has been notificated to the brothers here at Exploited Employees Brigade Against Greedy Unscrupulous Misers (or EE BA GUM) that a Mr Woodstock is fully intentional of opening an emporium for the purposes of conducting trade as a purveyor of items of home entertainment.

BE WARNED. Mr Woodstock is known to us at EE BA GUM headquarters for his activities in the field of employment, and has been guilty in the past of thrusting his unwanted attentions on unwitting female members of staff – actions that often involve necessitating them in the wearing of costumes and making snuffling noises in pursuit of his nuts.

If you are desirous of the protection of EE BA GUM, I urge you to join IMMEDIATELY so that we can stand united as one against this scoundrel and his lackey Miss Buzz, whose prior knowledge of disciplinary procedures involves a damn good spanking and witholding of pudding rights.

Yrs etc

BE WARNED. Mr Woodstock is known to us at EE BA GUM headquarters for his activities in the field of employment, and has been guilty in the past of thrusting his unwanted attentions on unwitting female members of staff – actions that often involve necessitating them in the wearing of costumes and making snuffling noises in pursuit of his nuts.

Yrs etc
:shock: but, but, but he told me that touching his nuts was part of my job and that the chipmunk outfit with thigh length boots was regulation uniform ...

f we meet in the broom cupboard, would it futher my career; I could wear my viking costume.

....I have no idea what you're talking about. Yes it would!

BE WARNED.

Buzz, contact our solicitors (the stop-at-nothing intimadatory win-at-all-costs American ones) and have this minor issue addressed. There is much to do in preparation for our Grand Opening to the general public on Monday without having to deal with unnecessary diversions. When we've dealt with these vermin, swiftly remove the roadkill and let's drive forward in our pursuit of domination in the video/DVD entertainment sector.

I have ultimate faith in you.

Woodstock - Executive Director

What are our jobs then.

First thing Monday, all shall appear much clearer. Until then I hope you take the opportunity to digest the company's 16,957 words-long directive. Indeed I insist.

:shock: told me that touching his nuts was part of my job and that the chipmunk outfit with thigh length boots was regulation uniform ...

You need say no more on this matter. What we get up to inside your chipmunk uniform is entirely our business. I'll see you in storage first thing Monday to discuss this in more detail. There are certain things we keep to ourselves here at WVS. Good day.

You need say no more on this matter. What we get up to inside your chipmunk uniform is entirely our business. I'll see you in storage first thing Monday to discuss this in more detail. There are certain things we keep to ourselves here at WVS. Good day. Understood sir :blush: :wink2:

Mr Woodstock

In my position of Entertainment Coordinator I have been working on a programme of entertainment. Here it is...

Mondays - Closed
Tuesday - All staff to the pub at lunchtime - close in the afternoon.
Wednesday - Male strippers to peruse the store, spontaniously stripping for anyone viewing adult movies.
Thursday - Good looking prostitutes to offer a quick 15 minutes service with each PG movie rented ( we will need a room for this, with a wash basin)
Friday - PARTY NIGHT...a free balloon with each film.
Saturday - PARTY NIGHT 2 - Free condoms with each PG film.
Sunday - Closed for staff meeting in the pub.

The above is only a draft....let me know your thoughts.

Cat
Entertainments Coordinator

Mr Woodstock

In my position of Entertainment Coordinator I have been working on a programme of entertainment. Here it is...

Mondays - Closed
Tuesday - All staff to the pub at lunchtime - close in the afternoon.
Wednesday - Male strippers to peruse the store, spontaniously stripping for anyone viewing adult movies.
Thursday - Good looking prostitutes to offer a quick 15 minutes service with each PG movie rented ( we will need a room for this, with a wash basin)
Friday - PARTY NIGHT...a free balloon with each film.
Saturday - PARTY NIGHT 2 - Free condoms with each PG film.
Sunday - Closed for staff meeting in the pub.

The above is only a draft....let me know your thoughts.

Cat
Entertainments Coordinator


Dear Mrs Cat

As Human Resources Manager, Mr W has asked me to take a look at your proposals outlined above.

After careful consideration and discusion with several Union reps, I can only find fault with one day's schedule. That being Thursday. I think that 15 mins is far too long for each customer to be serviced. It is expecting far too much of the girls and would make the turn over very slow for the day. I think a reduction to 5 mins for a quick bj for each customer would suffice.

your thoughts please

Mrs (very important, cos i'm in HR) Buzz.

Dear Mrs Cat

As Human Resources Manager, Mr W has asked me to take a look at your proposals outlined above.

After careful consideration and discusion with several Union reps, I can only find fault with one day's schedule. That being Thursday. I think that 15 mins is far too long for each customer to be serviced. It is expecting far too much of the girls and would make the turn over very slow for the day. I think a reduction to 5 mins for a quick bj for each customer would suffice.

your thoughts please

Mrs (very important, cos i'm in HR) Buzz.
Dear Mrs Buzz

In reply to your letter re reducing the time of blow jobs per customer per video, I am in total agreement.

I have discussed you suggestions with my contacts and they are certain that they can oblige within that time scale as long as the requested sanitory needs are met the only proviso being "Time Age Hippies" ?

Yours sincerely
Mrs Cat

Mrs Cat

delighted to hear you and your contacts are happy with the new arrangements.

I can confirm that a private room with wash basin and plentiful supply of mouthwash will be made available to each of your 'laydeees'.

Please let me know if there are any other reasonable requests that I can help you with. I look forward to working with you.

Kind regards

Mrs Buzz.

Mr Woodstock

In my position of Entertainment Coordinator I have been working on a programme of entertainment. Here it is...

Mondays - Closed
Tuesday - All staff to the pub at lunchtime - close in the afternoon.
Wednesday - Male strippers to peruse the store, spontaniously stripping for anyone viewing adult movies.
Thursday - Good looking prostitutes to offer a quick 15 minutes service with each PG movie rented ( we will need a room for this, with a wash basin)
Friday - PARTY NIGHT...a free balloon with each film.
Saturday - PARTY NIGHT 2 - Free condoms with each PG film.
Sunday - Closed for staff meeting in the pub.

The above is only a draft....let me know your thoughts.

Cat
Entertainments Coordinator

I afford you total carte blanche. I would like to reiterate I have complete faith in all staff members. However to remain in your newly-created position you will offer more imaginative ideas, as many of the suggestions above I would much prefer to offer to a rival store to ensure they fall into liquidation. I would entertain none of these save the "free balloon with each film" concept.

May I suggest that you work in tandem with our newly appointed Senior Rentals Supervisor to try and deliver some fresh and dynamic strategies to take WVS forward.

Thank you

Woodstock - Executive Director/Major shareholder

alright.


Can I have a portacabin...make it worth your while..

You may have a log-cabin if you so desire. But as you wish - we'll take it out of petty cash. Do not mention anything of this to Human Resources - I'll be severely spanked!, at the very least reprimanded.

Message for all concerned with WVS

Drastic situations call for drastic measures (point 16b in your company directives) - therefore I have taken it upon myself to assume dual responsibility here at WVS. As you all know, I am chief overseer of all operations within the company (point 1a in your company directives) but we have experienced a minor setback (nothing serious.....Buzz!) in appointing an Assistant to the Senior Rentals Supervisor - I am now Assistant to the Senior Rentals Supervisor, pending approval from Human Resources. I don't foresee any to'ing and fro'ing in the power stakes, and would expect fair treatment from all colleagues while I am in this role-exchange outside of my normal duties. It does mean I shall be immedietely answerable to the Senior RP, and I am very much looking forward to this undertaking.

The outcome of this proposal shall be announced on the Human Resouces NB immediately upon determination.

Woodstock - Executive Director/Major shareholder

PS: I am arranging for all colleagues to receive shares in WVS as part of their introductory package.

The share will be issued out in the following proportions:-

Executive Director = 250,000 shares
Human Resources = 150 shares
Senior RP = 60
Entertainments Co-ordinator = 60
Asst to Senior RP =15
General Store Operative = 2

All the arrangements have been made by myself. It has oft' been remarked that I am the milk of human kindness. I hope that this will serve to demonstrate this.

email: 22 january 2005
To : Mr Woodstock
From: Cat

I request an urgent meeting with yourself immediatetly.

Marches towards broom cupboard slapping on marigolds as she walks..only stopping to pick up the jar of vaseline from her locker.....

e-mail response: permit me five minutes to freshen up - yeah!......be right there.....

He removes his General Store Operative from the desk in his walnut-panelled office and ventures forth with large bulge in response to his recent beckoning.....

This is better than "Dallas"

....he reaches for the dictaphone......"suggestion......contact the agent of SWV to enquire about the possibility of them making a special appearance on Grand Opening Day at the store. I think the similarity in initials is a clever method of promotion. Suggestion........get them to perform their hit single "Right here" except have them re-arrange the lyrics so that they instead sing "Entertainment will be right here....." he depresses the stop button on the dictaphone...

I regret to inform you that WOODSTOCK'S VIDEO STORE has ceased trade.

Does that mean I have to return my Chipmunk costume? :sad:

Does that mean I have to return my Chipmunk costume? :sad:

....I've discussed this matter with Dom Joly, and he does need all chipmunk costumes back. However, you may break into the store and bag as much merchandise as you can carry. Same for all.

If you are staying, maybe you could reopen the store...I'm thinking of opening a cheese shop, we could work together....

If you are staying, maybe you could reopen the store...I'm thinking of opening a cheese shop, we could work together....
I won't rule out this option at this particular juncture.....sounds like a combo made in heaven!

Coastie dons her black and white stripey top, dark trousers and mask.... :ninja:

Right now...if I can just break the window in the door and SMASH.....DING..DING...DING...DING

Ooops...sorry Woodstock I appear to have set the alarm off....ooh urm...hello officer! :blush:

Coastie dons her black and white stripey top, dark trousers and mask.... :ninja:

Right now...if I can just break the window in the door and SMASH.....DING..DING...DING...DING

Ooops...sorry Woodstock I appear to have set the alarm off....ooh urm...hello officer! :blush: (Leave it to me, Coastie)......

"yeah but no but yeah, no we werent stealing nuffin so shahhhh apppp. Oh my GOHHHDDDD, this is just like SO unfair - We jus saw the door open an Tony Tozer wuz cuming out of the door with Tammy Littler, but you dont want anyfin to do wiv her cuz she eats her own scabs....an Tony Tozer, hes just a chav, his sisters got a baby, her own flat and a car from Motability and shes only nine......"

Wow..thanks Pan...looks like you got me out of a huge pile of poo there....want a couple of these DVD's I've just nicked? :)

Wow..thanks Pan...looks like you got me out of a huge pile of poo there....want a couple of these DVD's I've just nicked? :)
Coastie...go back tonight and get as much as you can. I can then open my cheese shop "Cats Cheesy Box" and we can sell the Cd's etc hidden in a slab???

We could make a bloomin fortune.....

I think Buzz has a burner thingy and can run off a few pirate copies too......oh are we going to be rolling in it or what... :cool2:

Pan....can I ask me lady for ya services again tonight...you were a star earlier! :)

I
Pan....can I ask me lady for ya services again tonight...you were a star earlier! :) You're on ... Ill bring the van. :)

You're on ... Ill bring the van. :)
Good girl Pan. Raid set for 21.30hours ...park the van round the side alley and wait for Coasties whistle.

Good luck.

Good girl Pan. Raid set for 21.30hours ...park the van round the side alley and wait for Coasties whistle.

Good luck.
.....hope I didn't forget to mention the group of CCTV surveillance cameras that hawk the premises.....

.....hope I didn't forget to mention the group of CCTV surveillance cameras that hawk the premises.....


too late....turned them off when I lost me bluddy job as HR manager.......

too late....turned them off when I lost me bluddy job as HR manager....... Haaaaaaaaaaaaa ! DVDs nicked, loaded, unloaded and safely secreted in Cats Cheesy Box.
We even had time for a pint down the Dog & Bolluck :devil:

(Hope those CCTVs were off, as Buzz promised, otherwise they might have caught me having a wee in the doorway of Burger King :laugh: :unsure: )

Haaaaaaaaaaaaa ! DVDs nicked, loaded, unloaded and safely secreted in Cats Cheesy Box.
I take it Cat is wearing her big pants? ;) :ohmy::laugh::devil:

Well done Pandora - and well thought out Buzz!!!

Right I will be working on my shop fittings today and the grand opening of

Cat's Cheesy Box
will be tonight.

What your friends in the 'know' need to say is..

"Have you a Brie I need to see" Got it?

Right crack on....

I am delighted to say that

Cats Cheesy Box
is
NOW OPEN

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v286/Caty65/CheeseShop.bmp

Cheeses from the 4 corners of world
smell, touch and taste my cheese.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v286/Caty65/CheeseShelfves.jpg

....hmmm......I am a lover of the old cheeses.....

how the frog-****** did you manage to insert pics??

I'm getting incredibly paranoid about things on my side! - My smilies, Bold, centre, Italics, colour, pic insert, everything - all been disabled. Can someone please tell me what's going on??

Cat, keep your beady feline eyes open and watch this space later for a presentation on my latest venture - "Woodstock's Emporium" (I'm getting sadder with age!!) - I'd like to have one of your cheese outlets (....is that rude?) inside the complex. And yes - there will be a fresh WVS outlet too.

.................all shall be revealed..................(and nobody has lost any jobs - what is all this talk??.......I gave the go-ahead for the now infamous dvd/video heist so that I could use the insurance money to initiate my new project. It's much larger, and it will spell out new employment opportunities to the masses....not just the chosen few.

Work with me, and prosper......work against me..........and you shall fail......

(he throws arms upwards in a gesture of power-crazed frenzy......)

....

how the frog-****** did you manage to insert pics??

I'm getting incredibly paranoid about things on my side! - My smilies, Bold, centre, Italics, colour, pic insert, everything - all been disabled. Can someone please tell me what's going on??



user CP
Edit Options
Miscellaneous Options
Message Editor Interface
Drop Down Box - should be either Standard Editor or Enhanced Interface :)
Click on Save Changes

Your new Emporium sounds fab.....can't wait to fill out the application for my new job....unless I am keeping my old one dispite nicking all your stock! :unsure:

user CP
Edit Options
Miscellaneous Options
Message Editor Interface
Drop Down Box - should be either Standard Editor or Enhanced Interface :)
Click on Save Changes
Thanks Survivor (do they really survive or are they pampered the entire month or whatever??) but I was already advised by another to go through that process....without success, I'm afraid. I'm completely bewildered and at a loss. I can't go for much longer without my utilities........

eg, when I click on them while in Standard mode, the page just jumps to the top so I have to scroll back down to message....

eg2, absolutley none of them inc. text itself activates while in the enhanced mode

heeeeeellllllllppppppp!!!

Thanks Survivor

my name is ilovesurvivor or ils I will have you know! :angry: :mad2: :ranting:

I was already advised by another to go through that process....without success, I'm afraid. I'm completely bewildered and at a loss. I can't go for much longer without my utilities........

Perhaps this place is trying to tell you something :devil: :laugh:

Your new Emporium sounds fab.....can't wait to fill out the application for my new job....unless I am keeping my old one dispite nicking all your stock! :unsure:
no applications required.......continuity......

my name is ilovesurvivor or ils I will have you know! :angry: :mad2: :ranting:

Perhaps this place is trying to tell you something :devil: :laugh:

...I see....let's take it to the polls shall we......

...I see....let's take it to the polls shall we......

I thought it must be time for another poll, as we haven't had one lately, it must be all of .......... 10 minutes since the last one :laugh:

I thought it must be time for another poll, as we haven't had one lately, it must be all of .......... 10 minutes since the last one :laugh:
Of course, being the Milk of Human Kindness, I am willing to overlook that caustic little swipe and still have a position open for you at my new Emporium......should you be interested at all......

Members of the Forum, (.....dim the lights please.......I thank yo...)

Now that you are all seated and I have your undivided attention, may I present to you our forthcoming plans for the Woodstock Emporium. Many of you will by now have been informed and fully aware that the Video Store venture collapsed before Grand Opening Day. Much of the stock was looted and there is a nationwide police-manhunt for those responsible for such despicable acts of criminality. I am pleased to say that in addition to the funds now available from insurance coverage, this latest undertaking will also be financed by Dom Joly and Christopher Walken in unison with myself. Mr Joly (no relation to Angelina....) will be responsible for overseeing the implementation of an extensive variety of costumes and outfits that shall be worn by future colleagues throughout the entire network of the Emporium. Mr Walken, whom was kind enough to donate a trial suite to the forum recently, will be solely responsible for onward-financing beyond his intitial monetary contributions. I am also pleased to announce that "The Christopher Walken Suite" will be transferred to the new complex and will maintain the same layout and regulations as experienced during the trial period.

Now, I would briefly like to reassure those members who had been appointed in positions with WVS, that their appointments ARE still active, and the following colleagues are expected to continue in the capacities they were recruited under with WVS. Those are as follows:-

*Buzz - Human Resources Manager (position will alter though authority shall stand)

*Cat - Entertainments Co-ordinator (position will remain and authority stands)

*Coastie - Senior Rentals Supervisor (position will alter, authority shall stand pending outcome of the next "Board Meeting of the Triumvirate") (BMoT)

*Assistant to the Senior Rentals Supervisor (this position is now redundant)

*Pandora - General Store Operative (this position is now redundant, contract review pending outcome of the next "Board Meeting of the Triumvirate" (BMoT)

Moving on from those important issues to the Network Structure of the new venture. We have pre-determined that the name of "The Woodstock Emporium" be given to the complex. "Cat" - one of the forum members was the ultimate winner of our secret competition to conjure up a suitable name and she won through above all the other secret entrants. After much deliberation the Board of the Triumvirate opted for her suggestion of "Emporium", and she will now have the choice selection of premises-placement anywhere within the complex, along with a representative role on the BMoT. So we extend our congratulations to Cat.....

Right.......the complex structure (nothing to do with DNA analysis....).......occupying almost 47,550 acres, the sub-terranean Emporium shall be sub-divided into numerous suites. Already, a handful of suites have been pre-determined. Those are as follows:-

*Woodstock's Free-Peace Suite - General relaxation zone

*The Christopher Walken Suite - a deluxe suite reserved for priveleged members and invited guests only.

*The Joly Chipmunk - combined cordon-bleu restaurant and deluxe costumery.

*Feline Good (A surprise gift (not now it isn't) for Cat as a reward for her sterling service at WVS.....and we are willing to overlook the heist.....I mean...s**t....I mean.....high standards you set yourself at WVS. The nature of operations here shall be at Cat's own discretion. The store is in addition to the Cheese outlet she has recently established - also to be found within the Emporium)

Coastie's Costly Coastal Costumery (again for sterling service - it has been projected that this will become a subsidiary-store of Mr.Joly's own outlet. It will feature hundreds of very expensive ocean-related costumes - sharks, dolphins, octopuses, clams, etc.

The Hive - (Another surprise gift - (.......not now it 'aint!.........) this time for my industrious former HR Manager, Buzz. Thanks for all your hard work, and may it continue long into the future...I must also apologize that we didn't quite make Grand Opening Day. Again, the nature of operations here will be down to Buzz and her own deliberation)

Pandora's Box - (We didn't have to do this - but we did anyway. Pandora was WVS's general lacky, and it is through our ultimate gratitude that we reward her service/s ;) with her very own brand new shop. We are leaving the nature of operations open for Pandora herself to determine - a further gesture of our gratitude.

Once underground, it is required of all members to use the Emporium's own unique cash tokens - known as Didier Drogba (see "What made the 1980's for you?..." under Music) £1 sterling = 0.5 Didier-Drogba's/ 1 Didier-Drogba = £2 sterling.

Further details shall be filtered out following the next Board Meeting of the Triumvirate. (....you can now un-dim the lights....)

Oh yes, before you all leave the auditorium, I wish to encourage any members with an eye to securing a reservation for premises here at the Emporium to provide both the title and nature of the business. I thank yo.

(....un-dim them f***ing lights ya moron!....)

28th January 2005

Dear Mr Woodstock

I read with great interest the notes from your recent speech. I would like to accept your generosity and open a Cat's Cheesy Box within your emporium but as I have already established a reputation and standing of my own it would still be under my own management and arrangements - both financial and overstructure. Having a Cheesy Box in your Emporium would be an assett to the Emporium.

However I am not too pleased about being close to a Pandora's Box, some confusion could be construde here. Cat's Cheesy Box is unique and has no subsiduary's..I would like this made clear.

Furthermore I think it is best for all that I resign from my position of Entertainments Manager as I have my hands full in my Cheesy Box.

I'm sure that we can work together in harmonious retailionship.

Yours sincerely


Cat
Owner of the Cheesey Box Chain.

I still have a position open for you at my new Emporium......should you be interested at all......


I might be interested, it depends what you would be offering me :wink2:

I might be interested, it depends what you would be offering me :wink2:
...all I'll say is.......let me sleep on it......;)

...all I'll say is.......let me sleep on it......;)

So what happened when you slept on it ? :blink:

So what happened when you slept on it ? :blink:
cum on you - I can't tell you that...:wink2:

cum on you - I can't tell you that...:wink2:

Why not? http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/ilovesurvivor/smilies/angel.gif

I have my hands full in my Cheesy Box.
Really? Any photo's? :devil:

Dear Mr Woodstock
I would like to inform you that Pandora's Box will be opening tomorrow at 10.00am sharp. I have employed Ken Morley (Reg Holdsworth) to cut the ribbon and would like you all to be there for wine and nibbles.

Anyone of a nervous disposition need not turn up, as Pandora's Box will be stocking items to rival Ann Summers' raunchiest range and therefore will be stocked to the rafters with total filth. Therefore after a rummage and maybe even a free sample in Cats Cheesey Box, customers are invited to visit my box to peruse at their leisure......
I thank you

xxx Pan xxx

Cat's Cheesy Box within your emporium
granted.

This is classified information, though I feel it incumbent of me, now that you are an observing member of the Board of the Triumvirate, that construction of The Emporium is now almost complete. As you now know, it is a sub-terannean complex, taking the place of a vast medieval crypt that had been discovered in 1847, and had been kept top secret by the government until details of the find had been leaked and fell into the hands of none other than Christopher Walken, who immediately set about purchasing the crypt from the government and subsequently made plans to convert it into an underground hive of entertainment and occasional debauchery for members of the SO forum.

It has been confirmed that there will be 69 premises to let within the complex. Only a handful of these have been taken up which provides a fantastic opportunity for anyone wishing to start up a business, under the umbrella of The Woodstock Emporium.

If you are declaring an interest, please forward both the nature of your business and your prospective company's title.

I might be interested, it depends what you would be offering me :wink2:
I believe what I offer - they measure in inches....

I would like to inform you that Pandora's Box will be opening tomorrow at 10.00am sharp.
Pandora's Box will be stocking items to rival Ann Summers' raunchiest range and therefore will be stocked to the rafters with total filth. Very well, Pan. Your confirmation has been duly noted, and I am pleased to grant you the go-ahead for your plans.

I would personally like to visit your premises and would ask that you make preparations for displaying your wares before me in whatever manner you wish. I look forward to this preview.

Your store is on the basement level (5 floors total, inc basement) A ground plan of the complex can be obtained from the reception within the Grand Lobby, left (as you enter) of the 28ft-tall Marble Statue of the Triumvirate.

Bidding you success

Woodstock - First Gentleman of the Board of the Triumvirate

Dear Mr Woodstock

I'd like a job as I've worked at Blockbuster before, know the difference between porn and Disney and am very very good at customer service.

If that doesn't sway it, how about the fact I'm a small, curvy brunette who knows yoga and doesn't mind putting in overtime...;)

Dear Mr Woodstock

I would like to apply for permission to open and trade as 'Nox's Collectors Paradise'

The objective is to bring like-minded people together where we can exchange, value and trade our collectables.

I have a large collection of milk bottle tops, stolen from a Blue Peter appeal, which will of be of great interest to many people.

I am also the proud owner of hundreds of dead batteries dating from ten or more years ago.

I intend to show my collection of plastic cups obtained from vending machines on railway stations all over the country. Sadly, I have mislaid my cup from Camel's End, but I'm hoping to find another of these rare examples should my application be granted.

I have the full collection of monthly magazines 'Bovine World' including the very first limited edition with a free t-bone steak.

The piece de resistance is a envelope containing nail clippings reputedly belonging to none other than Florence Nightingale herself.

As you can see, I have much to offer so I hope you will look upon my application favourably.

Dear Mr Woodstock

I'd like a job as I've worked at Blockbuster before, know the difference between porn and Disney and am very very good at customer service.

If that doesn't sway it, how about the fact I'm a small, curvy brunette who knows yoga and doesn't mind putting in overtime...;)
Your credentials are most impressive. One of the qualities we will be trying to instil into prospective business tenants of the Emporium, is that of the willingness and adeptness in the offering forth of extra-curricular services, in place of premises-rental.

Before we can process your obvious interest into an official application we require of you to submit your business title, and the nature in which it operates. ie, "Woodstock's Video Store" - video/dvd rentals

.....I thank yo

Woodstock - First Gentleman of the Board of the Triumvirate

Dear Mr Woodstock

I would like to apply for permission to open and trade as 'Nox's Collectors Paradise'
The objective is to bring like-minded people together where we can exchange, value and trade our collectables.

I am the proud owner of hundreds of dead batteries dating from ten or more years ago.

I have the full collection of monthly magazines 'Bovine World' The piece de resistance is a envelope containing nail clippings reputedly belonging to none other than Florence Nightingale herself.

As you can see, I have much to offer so I hope you will look upon my application favourably.
Dear Mr. Nox,

I appreciate your interest in starting up a business here at The Emporium. I will process your application but your business title has been formally rejected. May I ask that either you re-submit a title, or adopt my own suggestion of "Opportunity Nox"

The nature of your business sounds intriguing and we are looking for a broad spectrum of operations within our complex, for the sake of diversity. If you find that you take a liking to my personal title suggestion, but you feel it does not reflect your business intentions, then you may wish to have a rethink of your business category so that you can accomodate the title "Opportunity Nox" to aptly reflect the manner of your operations.

I.T.Y.

Woodstock - First Gentleman of the Board of the Triumvirate

Dear Mr Woodstock.

As you know a branch of Cat's Cheesy Box will be opening in your emporium and very proudly so.

But could I please have your reassurance that it will not be near Pandora's Box. I don't want to hurt her feelings but don't want people tarring us with the same brush.

I would very much like to be near "Opportunity Nox" I think the two shops would compliment.

Yours
Cat
Cat's Cheesy Box

Dear Mr. Nox

Dear Mrs Woodstock

I have to agree with you retitling of my business. "Opportunity Nox" would be an excellent name for my venture and I'd like to change the name forthwith.

If anyone is prepared to open an optician within the emporium, I think this would be a much needed outlet.

Yours genderspecifically

Nox

P.S. Please don't place me anywhere near Cat's Cheesy Box, as the sort of customer who would avail themselves of the goods and services in her Cheesy Box are not the sort of customer we want in Opportunity Nox. :wink2:

Dear Mr Woodstock

Unfortunately, due to the smell from Cats Cheesy Box and following a raid by the Vice Squad tonight, I have been forced to shut down Pandora's Box.

I henceforth tender my resignation, as Ive got a job at Cadbury World......

Cheers !

P

Dear Mr Woodstock.

could I please have your reassurance that it will not be near Pandora's Box. I want to hurt her feelings

I can empathise with your preferences and duly grant you separation. Your store is located on the 3rd floor directly opposite the Granite Penis Monolith. I hope this will not prove to be too much of an eyesore.

I.T.Y.

W

Dear Mrs Woodstock

I have to agree with you retitling of my business. "Opportunity Nox" would be an excellent name for my venture and I'd like to change the name forthwith.

If anyone is prepared to open an optician within the emporium, I think this would be a much needed outlet.

Opportunity Nox it is then, Nox - granted

You will find your store on the basement floor sandwiched between The Manure Factory and The Hare-Krishna Union Cafe. I would expect of you to build up a good rapport with your neighbours, and I have forwarded your name for the Neighbourly Store Swap Scheme - a new incentive which sees adjacent store owners swapping duties for a month This is a drive which is designed to promote harmony among our business tenants. Congratulations......

Oh and it's Mr....Mr.Woodstock....fortunately I'm not the vindictive type....:)

I thank yo

W

NEWSFLASH!!!!
-------------------

Reports are just reaching us that there has been a huge underground explosion at the site of The Woodstock Emporium. Details remain at this stage very sketchy, but the entire structure of the Emporium is believed to have been reduced to framework and ashes. Fortunately, no persons were believed to be present at the site beyond those manning security posts. One of the eyewitnesses - a security officer, told how he discovered substantial amounts of dynamite positioned at intervals inside and around the perimeter of the complex, moments before he heard the first explosion. The officer also revealed that upon running for cover he noticed what appeared to be an item that was likely to have been dropped or discarded by those responsible for the blast. "It was a book.....it was definitely a book, I even managed to take note of the title - it was....How to Win Friends and Influence People. I picked the book up and when I looked inside of the jacket it had the following text hand-written onto it This book belongs to Ceridwen.......but I'm not sure if that has any relevance or not."

Police are now looking into the cause of the devastation, and have not ruled out sabotage......now over to Sian who has the latest weather....

......."thanks, well, on the weather front, it's a case of how your day ends depends on how it began I'm afraid. There's a cold front moving in from the north and it will make for a rather bracing couple of days for most. My advice is to wrap up warm and don't be too bold when you venture outside....."

......"Thanks Sian - coming up later in the bulletin, a special report on how adherents of political correctness are seeking a ban on Heffalumps and Woozles, and other A.A.Milne material.....and why boldmay become a thing of the past - in the schools, workplace, and elsewhere. We have a live link-up with our education and employment correspondent Gavin Minklemar........more on those two stories a little later ......"