Virgin Radio are currenty running competition where you text your favourite joke of all time and stand the chance of winning 25K, which got me thinking.

I think me fave joke of all time is one I read in a joke book when I was about 6, and I've remebered it ever since.

The ants had a meeting the graveyard......................it was held in dead Earnest
:laugh: :laugh:

C'mon, share.

I have always liked....

Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?


A. Fshhhh!

favourite joke of all time, gosh - a tough one.

I'd say it was either Tim Howard or Massimo Taibi.....it's a close one....

It's a bit long but worth it don't skip to the end


There was a lion having a drink at the water hole a guerrilla came up behind him and stuck his knob right up his a*s
ARRRRRRRRRRore said the lion

The guerrilla run off and the lion ran after him

On his way through the jungle the lion came across a snake

Here mate he said did you see a guerrilla run through here

Yes said the snake he went that way because he was a grass sneak

As the lion went on he came across a dog

Here mate he said did you see a guerrilla run through here

Yes said the dog he went down the Aztec path over the bridge built by the British in 1836 an past the ruined temple which was used by the French as a fortress during the Second World War

He was a guide dog you see

The guerrilla was getting worried because he just could not shake this lion

He ran in to a clearing and sitting at a table was a man reading a news paper

Seeing the guerrilla he got up and run off
The lion was right behind him so the guerrilla run to the table sat down and held the paper in front of him shaking like a leaf
The lion entered the clearing looking round as they do and walked over to the guerrilla

the guerrilla was s**t**g a brick
The lion said here mate he said did you see a guerrilla run through here
And the guerrilla said what the one that shagged the lion up the a*s at the water hole

there was a pause and then
With a pained face the lion said o no it’s not in the sun already is it

Woodstock............


*ils legs it.................................*

.....someone recently informed me....though I cannot for the life of me remember who?, that my threads were too long and arduous to read.......

there's also a saying that has something to do with practising and preaching or something like that......

The joke was okay though....:)

Sorry lion guerrilla water hole shag a*s ho no not in the sun

how about this
Two opal fruits walk in to a bar sitting a the bar is a Locket they sit down and the Locket says “what you looking at” to the strawberry opal fruit “nothing” he said

and the lime one said “you wanna watch him he’s menthol”
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_11_6.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm22755GB)

Two opal fruits walk in to a bar sitting a the bar is a Locket they sit down and the Locket says “what you looking at” to the strawberry opal fruit “nothing” he said

and the lime one said “you wanna watch him he’s menthol”
http://smileys
.smileycentral.smileys com/cat/36/36_11_6.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm22755GB)

now that's more like it..... :laugh: (I have some effin' corkers myself which were sent to me via e-mail by an old Geordie pal of mine. The problem with jokes and me is that I forget them 7 seconds after hearing them (after all I only have a fluffy brain...) so if I find the printout sheet I may unleash one or two....)

the following is NOT one of those..... :unsure:

Shakespeare walks into a pub, orders a pint but gets refused, "for why do you do this to me?" Shakespeare enquires - "yer Bard!" comes the reply from behind the counter.....

A peice of black tar mac sits at a bar supping on a beer boasting about how tough he is. 'Big trucks run over me everyday and not a scratch...I am as hard as they come!'

A piece of red tar mac walks in and black tar mac leaps behind the bar shaking.

The bar man asks 'What's up with you I though you were hard!'

Black tar mac replies 'I may be hard by he's a cyclepath'!!

A peice of black tar mac sits at a bar supping on a beer boasting about how tough he is. 'Big trucks run over me everyday and not a scratch...I am as hard as they come!'

A piece of red tar mac walks in and black tar mac leaps behind the bar shaking.

The bar man asks 'What's up with you I though you were hard!'

Black tar mac replies 'I may be hard by he's a cyclepath'!!
Coastie, Im afraid I don't get it...

I think Coastie means "I may be hard, but he's a cyclepath!" (as in Psychopath)

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "you don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: ...........






"Don't you have a vase?"

My favourite is not so much a joke, but rather a sketch from Not The 9'O'clock News (Gerald the Gorilla, for those of you who can remember that far back).

"Yes, when I found Gerald, he was completely wild"
"Wild!?, I was positively livid"

This is my favoruite joke:

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make.

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will never have a headache and will freely give you love whenever you should wish it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest is history...

MY all time oldest fave is:


There were two prostitutes standing on a street corner and one says to another, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?". Her mate replies "no, but I have been swing round by the tits!"


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: - I know your not supposed to laugh at your own jokes - but I do love this.

got to be.....



did you hear about the man who put his false teeth in backwards...?


He ate himself.

Dunno why but its always cracked me up that one
M

A priest is visiting the mother superior of a convent. His walk takes him through the city's red light district. A woman leans from a doorway and calls out "hey Father - want a blow job - only £15." Being very naive he hasn't a clue what she means. Futher along the road another woman stops him. "Hi padre, fancy a blow job - £15". "I don't know what you're talking about!" he shouts and hurries on. Eventually he reaches the convent and goes into the mother superior's office. They start discussing parish matters, but he seems a bit distracted. "Anything wrong?" asks the mother superior. "Well, actually, there is something puzzling me" says the priest " er ... could you tell me - what's a blow job?" "Oh," says the mother superior "fifteen quid, same as in town."

A woman is in a coma in her hospital bed after a road accident. The medics have tried everything to bring her out of it without success. One day, a nurse is washing the woman's privates when she notices a blip on the monitor. As this could mean a reaction, she decides to talk to the consultant about it.

The next time the husband comes in, the consultant asks whether he would be prepared to have oral sex with his wife as an experiment. The man agrees. The medical team go outside the room to give them privacy and wait to see what happens.

After a few minutes, bells start ringing on the machines to indicate cardiac arrest.

The team rush in to attempt recussitatation. The consultant, incredulous, says to the husband, "What on earth happened?" The husband looks doleful and replies, "I think I must have choked her".

MY all time oldest fave is:


There were two prostitutes standing on a street corner and one says to another, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?". Her mate replies "no, but I have been swing round by the tits!"


:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: - I know your not supposed to laugh at your own jokes - but I do love this.


What being swung round by your tits ..............kinkyyyyyyyy or what





Swing lucky I know the joke

got to be.....



did you hear about the man who put his false teeth in backwards...?


He ate himself.

Dunno why but its always cracked me up that one
M
your not right get some help

A woman is in a coma in her hospital bed after a road accident. The medics have tried everything to bring her out of it without success. One day, a nurse is washing the woman's privates when she notices a blip on the monitor. As this could mean a reaction, she decides to talk to the consultant about it.

The next time the husband comes in, the consultant asks whether he would be prepared to have oral sex with his wife as an experiment. The man agrees. The medical team go outside the room to give them privacy and wait to see what happens.

After a few minutes, bells start ringing on the machines to indicate cardiac arrest.

The team rush in to attempt recussitatation. The consultant, incredulous, says to the husband, "What on earth happened?" The husband looks doleful and replies, "I think I must have choked her".
Your a bad girl and you know it that was great http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_11_6.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm22755GB)

What does a fish say when it swims into a wall.


Dam :unsure: