got a problem? no? well make one up

Tell uncle Cockney all about it and I will give you my advice
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_40.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm22755GB) The Surgery is now open

My problem is that people have recently been implying that I waffle on a bit too much - moreso than is necessary....

My other problem is I cannot use any utilities (eg, smilies, Bold type, colour etc - it's becoming a lingering concern of mine that I wish to find a remedy for pronto....

Also, do you know the origins of the that word "pronto"?

And what, finally, is the cockney rhyming slang for "zebra"

Woodstock]My problem is that people have recently been implying that I waffle on a bit too much - moreso than is necessary....But you do

My other problem is I cannot use any utilities (eg, smilies, Bold type, colour etc - it's becoming a lingering concern of mine that I wish to find a remedy for pronto....http://www.smileycentral.com/?lang=en go here
And go tools /options /internet options make sure that your privacy setting is set to low

what is properly blocking it is your browser are you using Microsoft internet if you are using one provided by your ISP it may have an option to use its founts it turn it off

get another source of smiley



Also, do you know the origins of the that word "pronto"? NO

And what, finally, is the cockney rhyming slang for "zebra"[/QUOTE] funny horse

My shed is infested with lemmings, what can I do?

My husband has become an internerd.


please help me.

My shed is infested with lemmings, what can I do?
Dig a cliff face in front of it

My husband has become an internerd.


please help me.Offer him sex more often to take his mind off it
Tell him what your gonna do in the morning and he will be to busy thinking about it all day to go on there

Woodstock]My problem is that people have recently been implying that I waffle on a bit too much - moreso than is necessary....But you do

My other problem is I cannot use any utilities (eg, smilies, Bold type, colour etc - it's becoming a lingering concern of mine that I wish to find a remedy for pronto....http://www.smileycentral.com/?lang=en go here
[b]And go tools /options /internet options make sure that your privacy setting is set to low

And what, finally, is the cockney rhyming slang for "zebra" funny horse[/QUOTE]


Ok your words are as good as gold....I s'pose......

I think I know what the problem is and why it is such, having listened intently to what you had to say (it rang a bell 'cos I fiddled around off-forum, with my standard pc settings, and I did indeed alter the privacy bar. Thanks ever so much for that Cock.

"I've got me Smilies back!.....I got me smilies back!......." (my friends mum used to say "small things amuse small minds...." in a wonderful blunt Yorkshire-ish accent....)

funny horse


zebra = funny horse

ahhh, now I see why they call it "rhyming" slang.......

Zebra - a Barbara, as in Barbara & Debra


HTH

I aim to please

My grandfather died recently and left me the jar of ear wax that he has been collecing since 1953. Should I keep it in the hope that it will increase in value, or should I sell it on ebay?

Zebra - a Barbara, as in Barbara & Debra


...ah well that explains everything then.....????????????????? :blink:

My grandfather died recently and left me the jar of ear wax that he has been collecing since 1953. Should I keep it in the hope that it will increase in value, or should I sell it on ebay?
excellent!! :)

zebra = funny horse

ahhh, now I see why they call it "rhyming" slang.......
Don't have to rhyme you Jack and Danny



Ok it's round the other way
EG: I like "flying for home" in the four thirty at Doncaster
Reply: - I don't know looks like a bit of a zebra to me

I aim to please
cockney I'm off for some of that Bo-peep I mentioned to you before (only about 5 and a half hours back!)

But before I do, I'm going to call you a f***ing genius for finding the solution to my Smiley problem, where many others had failed. Cheers. Iam now back up to my standard mischief capacity, which was ebbing without those utilities....f***ing genius! :bye: ....ahhh that felt good - so good that I'm going to do it again......here.... :bye:

once more for good health... :bye:

My grandfather died recently and left me the jar of ear wax that he has been collecing since 1953. Should I keep it in the hope that it will increase in value, or should I sell it on ebay?
It won't increase in value unless he was famous
I my self have a jar of sexual fluid from Winston Churchill
But French polishers use it so you could sell it to them

I was out dogging recently when a man pointed out that I was in a site reserved for gay men only. I found this most offensive, as I seem to have attracted quite a crowd. Do you think this was a bit off of him, and he should have been somewhat more welcoming?

dogging? :unsure:

dogging? :unsure:

Naah, not tonight thanks - but you go ahead.

dogging? :unsure:
oh no! Not again.

I'd like to know what it is before i agree to it:ninja:

oh no! Not again.Whaaaat? :sad:

Don't have to rhyme you Jack and Danny
I see......you two-tonne slob...(eeyep! made that one up - I have a book of cockney rhyming slang just beyond an arms length way from me but can't be James Last reaching for it)

Work David Beckhams (beckons).....I know......terrible!

I'd like to know what it is before i agree to it:ninja:

:laugh: Dont agree to it!!!

Its where strangers meet up with strangers (say in a park or the woods....a public place) and have sex....this can be a group thing.... or couples go to have sex with other couples :unsure:

oh no! Not again.

LMAO

Dear Uncle Cockney

My problem is I have nothing to ask you. This may sound like a wonderful situation, but you don't know the sheer grief it causes me. When others are moaning and complaining about their lot, I listen stoicly and try to provide support but I cannot sympathise, and in my heart of hearts I'm thinking 'get a grip you silly sod'.

Please can you arrange for me to have more problems.

Yours unproblematically

Nox

I regret that Uncle Cockney is currently anavailable for consultation.

This being because he is currently flat out on the sofa, snoring in the manner of a harpooned warthog.

Thank you for your continued co-operation and understanding.

LMAO



Dear Uncle Cockney

My problem is I have nothing to ask you. This may sound like a wonderful situation, but you don't know the sheer grief it causes me. When others are moaning and complaining about their lot, I listen stoicly and try to provide support but I cannot sympathise, and in my heart of hearts I'm thinking 'get a grip you silly sod'.

Please can you arrange for me to have more problems.

Yours unproblematically

Nox
Easy Get a girl friend

Thank you for your reply Uncle Cockney. I am certain that will cause me plenty of problems as I am 100% heterosexual female! :D

Well how inconsiderate - can you not give the harpooned warthog a shake?! We need him - we have problems.... well I do.

btw - I said, "Oh no, not again" because dogging has been discussed a couple of times previously, in quite some depth. I'm getting worried that SO will soon be ranked number 1 in Google on the word 'dogging' - it was bad enough when we had hundreds looking for Abi Tittmus.

See you have a problem already

lol :)
Wow! You can see it from there! You're good.

I thank you I thank you

btw - I said, "Oh no, not again" because dogging has been discussed a couple of times previously, in quite some depth. I'm getting worried that SO will soon be ranked number 1 in Google on the word 'dogging' - it was bad enough when we had hundreds looking for Abi Tittmus.
How do you think Cockney and Cat found us? :ninja:

How do you think Cockney and Cat found us? :ninja:
I was looking for I'm A Celebrity Sites thankyou very much.

Don’t rise to her Cat I never do http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_112.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm22755GB)

Dear Uncle Cockney,

I am very upset as Great Uncle Haydon claims there was a dogging debate, which I appear to have missed. Please can you tell me where to find it?

Yours sincerely,

Ceridwen

PS. Have found a lovely spot near Dartford Crossing, see you there about noon-ish? Wrap up warm though, it's a bit nippy out there.

Dear Uncle Cockney,

I am very upset as Great Uncle Haydon claims there was a dogging debate, which I appear to have missed. Please can you tell me where to find it?

Yours sincerely,

Ceridwen

PS. Have found a lovely spot near Dartford Crossing, see you there about noon-ish? Wrap up warm though, it's a bit nippy out there.
I know it is cottageing due to it being in a small cottage type building that you pee in

But is it dogging because you are all dog ugly

Or because you all behave like a pack of dogs on heat with no morals



I have many gay friends and am in no way the east end stereo type so don’t even bother

noo ish i'll be there

Apparently it's called "dogging" because the haunts are mainly frequented by relatively well heeled married men who tell their wives they are going to "walk the dog".

It explains why some MP's like looking at badgers in the middle of the day and why some actors are out with their dog on Hampstead Heath at 4 o'clock in the morning.

Oh sorry, you're supposed to give the answers aren't you Cock? :wink2:

My next problem is, I have absolutely HUGE boobs and I really don't know what to do with them. Can you come up with any suggestions?

Apparently it's called "dogging" because the haunts are mainly frequented by relatively well heeled married men who tell their wives they are going to "walk the dog".

It explains why some MP's like looking at badgers in the middle of the day and why some actors are out with their dog on Hampstead Heath at 4 o'clock in the morning.

Oh sorry, you're supposed to give the answers aren't you Cock? :wink2:

My next problem is, I have absolutely HUGE boobs and I really don't know what to do with them. Can you come up with any suggestions?Excellent I loved that



I could come over
with some suggestions off the cuff so to speak
but to quote john M from BB your not suppose to enjoy it
I for one have met one or two that did

I am sure it will be purely educational.

Thank you Uncle Cock, you really are a most educated man, and so kind of you to share your wisdom in this way! I have a couple of friends with similar problems - I hope you won't mind, but I've invited them over too.

I am sure it will be purely educational.

Thank you Uncle Cock, you really are a most educated man, and so kind of you to share your wisdom in this way! I have a couple of friends with similar problems - I hope you won't mind, but I've invited them over too.
I am overwhelmed or could be

All are welcome the surgery is open http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_40.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm22755GB)

Dear Uncle Cockney,

I hope you will be able to give me some advice about my pussy. Lately, whenever it is partaking of some fresh air in the front garden, it has taken to launching itself from under the bush at anyone venturing up the garden path - often attaching itself to the nether regions in a most unseemly manner.

The gasman has just informed me that he will be calling next week as he believes the old boiler is due a service, and the chimney sweep is also due to carry out some essential defurring of my chimney.

What can I do to ensure that my pussy greets both of these gentlemen in a more welcoming manner, thus allowing them to attend to their duties to our mutual satisfaction?

I do hope that this matter will be treated in full confidence by you and I look forward to your input.

YF etc

Dear Uncle Cockney,

I hope you will be able to give me some advice about my pussy. Lately, whenever it is partaking of some fresh air in the front garden, it has taken to launching itself from under the bush at anyone venturing up the garden path - often attaching itself to the nether regions in a most unseemly manner.

The gasman has just informed me that he will be calling next week as he believes the old boiler is due a service, and the chimney sweep is also due to carry out some essential defurring of my chimney.

What can I do to ensure that my pussy greets both of these gentlemen in a more welcoming manner, thus allowing them to attend to their duties to our mutual satisfaction?

I do hope that this matter will be treated in full confidence by you and I look forward to your input.

YF etc
Give it a good scrub with Detal

Dear Uncle Cockney,

Earlier on you kindly came round to see my buxom friends and I to give us some handy tips on what to do with our lovely jubbly boobies.

We were all mightily impressed by the range of activities you suggested (and we partook in), however something has happened that has caused me some concern. It appears that a poor quality DVD of the whole thing is now making its way round the Internet. This has caused me much upset, as I don't look very good in it. I wondered whether you would be interested in repeating the experience, and this time I will ask my sister if she would be kind enough to film the whole thing properly?

I look forward to your earliest reply,

Yours etc

Ceridwen

Dear Uncle Cockney,

Earlier on you kindly came round to see my buxom friends and I to give us some handy tips on what to do with our lovely jubbly boobies.

We were all mightily impressed by the range of activities you suggested (and we partook in), however something has happened that has caused me some concern. It appears that a poor quality DVD of the whole thing is now making its way round the Internet. This has caused me much upset, as I don't look very good in it. I wondered whether you would be interested in repeating the experience, and this time I will ask my sister if she would be kind enough to film the whole thing properly?

I look forward to your earliest reply,

Yours etc

Ceridwen


Twice in one night you'll be lucky

Hang on IV got some Viagra here I’ll be round again in a hour

The two teenage Thai girls next door asked if they could come too.

I know it will be a bit of a squash but they are very keen to learn about Western culture. :)

I am always willing to teach

This could be like napoleons invasion of Russia long hard and no withdraws

Dr Uncle Cockney

My problem is that I never have enough money :sad:

I wonder if you could suggest a good 'get rich quick' scheme to help me....


Yours

ils

Dr Uncle Cockney

My problem is that I never have enough money :sad:

I wonder if you could suggest a good 'get rich quick' scheme to help me....


Yours

ils
Rob a bank
plods to busy nicking motorist to catch you
Or go on the game

Rob a bank
plods to busy nicking motorist to catch you
Or go on the game

But both are illegal :blink:

I see

Well take out a long term investment say five hundred years

And then have yourself frozen for five hundred years when you wake up you'll be rich

hmmmmmm that's not much help as I don't like the cold :(

there's just no pleasing some people :wink2:

You try and help and that’s the thanks you get

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/17/17_1_12v.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm22755GB)

I guess you aren't use to a fussy woman :wink2:

I guess you aren't use to a fussy woman :wink2:
Trying to give them up there bad for me health

Dear Uncle Cockney

I'm in a room full of numpties who are having problems locating their C drives.

I'm bored and hungry, but I don't wish to offend them as I may wish to steal their jobs some day.

What should I do?

I may wish to steal their jobs some day.






I think you just answered your own question there

Smile nicely like a crocodile and remember you have to step on a lot of people’s heads to get to the top and it is a lot easier if they are will to let you because they like you

Come on now don’t be shy I know there are some things you would like to get off your chest

Woody and me in ILS’S case

Let’s talk

Come on now don’t be shy I know there are some things you would like to get off your chest

Woody and me in ILS’S case


Since when have you and Woody been on my chest? :ohmy: :wacko:

Since when have you and Woody been on my chest? :ohmy: :wacko:
Sorry that was just wishful thinking http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_9.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxdm22755GB)