To cut a long story short, there is a woman on another site i post on who burst on the scene offering sex to anyone who wanted it, webcam boob flashes, offering her mobile phone number and relating detailed sexual activities on the main forum.

She very quickly changed to admitting self harm, of being sexually abused, and wanting to kill herself.

Having talked to her on messenger i managed to convince her to stop posting all the sex stuff, and managed to get her to go and see a counsellor today.
She only told the counsellor about her problems at work today(bullying etc) , but i have told her that she must tell everything next week in her next meeting.

From what i can gather she was abused by her step brother from an early age until she left home at 16,(she is now 28) her mother knew about it and didn't care.
She took an overdose last year and is still harming herself, i think i managed to stop that for tonight anyway.
Apart from encouragement and friendship when she needs it what else can i do?
I believe her by the way and unlike some who take the **** do not think she is an attention seeking whore.
I really do not want to do or say the wrong thing with her.
Thoughts?

Pm me by all means.

My thoughts are that if you start MSN messengering someone like that you are likely to end up getting in far too deep.

Why would you contact someone like this in the first place? Is it because she was offering sex? Or is it perhaps the idea of playing saviour? Whatever the reason, I'd say be wary before getting too involved with someone you have come across on a chat site.

I think on reflection I would have to agree with SF's advice. Be wary of getting involved to deeply. Your advice so far has been sound, about seeking help and talking to a counsellor, but thats as far as I would go secrets.

I would have to agree with the others, Secrets. Stay well clear. This woman could be anyone, I would not get involved. I have a friend who got involved with one serious messed up lady through a chat-room, his life is in complete ruins because of her.

My initial instincts say back off at 100 miles an hour........that sounds really cruel I know, but if you dont know this woman do you really want to be landed with her and her problems - self harmers are hard work, I have dealt with them during my work with Drug Users and an aquaintance that was a regular self harmer actually succeeded in killing herself a few years ago.......


As for meeting in chat rooms - well, I cant knock that can I - thats how I met Mr Q in the 1st place, so it aint all bad - just be VERY VERY careful!!!!

As for meeting in chat rooms - well, I cant knock that can I - thats how I met Mr Q in the 1st place, so it aint all bad - just be VERY VERY careful!!!!
Did anyone give poor old Mr Q this warning I wonder! :naughty: :laugh:

Sounds like a clever, manipulative scam to me. Sorry, but that is definitely my first impression.

Does your wife know about her and your conversations with her? (Rhetorical question.) If so, beyond that, all I would advise is either gently to break contact, or to proceed with extreme caution.

[QUOTE=Blink]Sounds like a clever, manipulative scam to me. Sorry, but that is definitely my first impression.
[QUOTE]

I would say that is the most likely case too.


btw - Secrets you do join the strangest forums don't you!!! :ninja:- aside from this one of course! :)

Secrets, I just wanted to say how much I admire you for caring about this woman and for trying to help her.

I know the advice from the other guys is sound, but there is a real chance that she is genuinely going to harm herself, and you may her only outlet at the moment.

I agree that you should keep her at arm's length and point her towards trained professionals, but I just thought how brave of you, to get involved when everyone else would have run a mile.

Well done you.

Did anyone give poor old Mr Q this warning I wonder! :naughty: :laugh:
:laugh: :devil: nah, and the poor devil is stuck with me now!!!!!!

This is a bit of a double edges sword IMO. Secrets problem aside - if there were no internet/chat rooms - where would this sort of person go for titillation, thrills, sympathy etc?? They wouldn't be able to cajole people like secrets into feeling the way he does, whether she is genuine or not - she needs help.

And to be quite honest secrets it is not your problem. You really cannot help her, and often in cases like this - 'cruel to be kind' is often the best advise.

You have done your utmost and talked her into seeing a counsellour - and that is probably the only thing you could actually do - if you believe that she will, and you have to. Leave well alone.

Edit: Damage Limitation - don't go there or places where it may happen again in the future.

Self harm is serious but you would be surprised at the amount of people that do it. Here is a very helpful link to a website for self harmers,

Self harm website, numbers to call & useful info when dealing with a self harmer (http://www.nshn.co.uk/resources.html).

It would be worth pointing her in that direction. There are numbers she can call for counselling.

I don't think that you can actually help her as much as if she were say for instance a friend who you trusted, your main priority should be keeping yourself and family safe.

It breaks my heart to hear about children being abused by relatives, friends, whoever. They get so screwed up. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own actions, but it can be so hard to pull yourself out of a rut of depression, self harm, insecurity.

She may well be lying as some people do, but this may be a person who is so desperate for somebody to care. I would do as Floopy said and keep her at arms length. Giving her a small amount of your time does not cost much. If you speak to her, be gentle, but not too pitiful as she will never learn to cope on her own and may become dependant on your pity (if that makes sense)....

These kind of people need to know how much God loves them!

I would be wary of talking to anyone like that on the interenet. I know you don't know who you are talking to but you know what I mean.
But I would advise to steer her to professional help. Give her phone numbers of many relevant charities/help groups you can.

Actually last night I went out and listenend to a talk on surviving abuse. And the lady that did the talk was herself abused and now runs a get together morning for the survivors. I asked her looking back, what could she have done professionally (she was a nurse) when seeing abuse in the line of work.
Her advise was to give not just one phone number but as many as you could. So the individual had many different options.

Secrets, I have tried on so many occasions to help mentally unstable people get "better" I have lost count. I think it appeals to a part of us that wants to feel as though we've made a difference. Nothing wrong with that - except it doesn't actually work.

The trouble with having demons is, you can only conquer them on your own. Absolutely NOBODY can influence you to change. A lot of the time, it is the attention from others that is craved - but not in a healthy way. The person requires attention BECAUSE THEY DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THEMSELF TO LAVISH ATTENTION ON THEIR OWN NEEDS. Unfortunately, getting love and attention never resolves the problem. It's a bit like your car requiring fuel, and you just getting some petrol and pouring it over the bonnet. What that person needs to do is care about themself. They can do it, but it requires study and introspection.

Ultimately, constant attention from others just diverts the person's attention AWAY from their own needs - they then become dependent on their needs being met by a third party. If you then express needs of your own, you are likely to be met by a violent backlash - stalking, false accusations, rage, physical violence, verbal abuse, or whatever.

The kindest thing you could do is refer this lady to a good book - Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Parent to Your Inner Child by Margaret Paul is a good starter.

And then leave her to it.

Absolutely NOBODY can influence you to change.
That's not been my experience, although I do agree that people must want to change.

What I'm saying is, they can't do it for you. If you are open to persuasion, you would be anyway, if you see what I mean.

If you need someone else's influence to make you do it, you'll also likely need their influence to make you STICK at it - and what happens when they go away?

Why would you contact someone like this in the first place? Is it because she was offering sex? Or is it perhaps the idea of playing saviour?
Yes to both - but not for the reasons you think.:)

It was because she was offering sex, her mobile phone number MSN messenger addy etc on a site that is open and sometimes browsed by as many as 4,000 guests, that i had to make contact to warn her about the dangers of this.

The story came out of that contact.
Unfortunately her step brother is still living near enough that she sees him around, which must be a constant reminder and something that would hinder her recovery,( if one can recover) and makes things very difficult.

As to some other points raised, ( i will not bother to quote them) yes Mrs secrets is aware of my contact, though she feels that i should not get too involved.
And ***** does go to a local church in which she sings in the gospel choir, but has been unable to tell people of her past.
Thank you all for your imput, i had similar thoughts passed on from someone who works closely with victims of abuse, who assured me that i could not 'save' her, and that it is a very long and time consuming affair best handled by specialists.
I just could not ignore this particular 'plea for help' as a potential suicide would have weighed heavily on my conscience if it had come to fruition.

I just could not ignore this particular 'plea for help' as a potential suicide would have weighed heavily on my conscience if it had come to fruition.

But if she DOES do that, it doesn't make it your fault secrets! There really isn't anything you can do to save another person if they are hell bent on self destruction anyway.

Hopefully it will not come to that.

I agree with what everyone has said. A useful communication skill is to acknowledge her impact on you, clearly reflecting it if you are in further dialogue e.g. "I find your behaviour ....(overwhelming/ frightening?)...... when you talk about it so clearly with me" "I hear all the painful things that you are telling me but I have to repeat that I cannot help you with this but I can point you in the right direction" "Im sorry, I do want to support you but again I have to acknowledge that what you are telling me is better directed to professional services" etc techniques like these may enable you to protect you own boundaries as well as being caring.

From what you said about her, she does sound like an "attention seeking whore" but then again, I don't know the full story.....

I would stay well clear of her and let someone else deal with her. You don't want to get too emotionally involved, do you?

[QUOTE=Peej]From what you said about her, she does sound like an "attention seeking whore"



Don't be shy peej, shoot from the hip about what you really think okay.....it doesn't pay to be too subtle...... :D

[QUOTE]



Don't be shy peej, shoot from the hip about what you really think okay.....it doesn't pay to be too subtle...... :D
Well, he asked what we thought so Im telling him what I think :)

There are a loy of websites, message boards, newsgroups and forums around that deal with sexual abuse, self harm and depression - she might get some good support from talking to people who have been through the same things.
Although, it would be wise for her to be choosy - while some self harm sites will advise of safer ways of self harming others are populated by people who encourage it and like to boast about how much damage they have done to themselves (like a competition - I can cut deeper than you can, kind of thing).

Also, it's worth keeping in mind that self-harming is a very private thing - I would wonder why she has decided to bring it onto a site that isn't dedicated to the subject, perhaps she hasn't received the attention she needs/wants elsewhere. Perhaps she wants to shock people and be the center of attention. Perhaps she really doesn't have anywhere else to turn.

If you are happy to continue to give a listening ear to her, she probably will get more demanding as time goes on.

No-one can stop someone else from self-harming - if they get the urge to do it, it's a hard thing to ignore. But you could get into the situation where she is saying things like 'if you don't talk to me now, I'm going to cut myself' as a way of controlling you. This is crap - if she wants to SH she will, if she doesn't she won't......nothing you do or don't do will effect that. If you do decide to stay in touch with her you need to be aware of that.