Joining me this month to help give advice are Tulip and Maeve.

http://www.beneden.com/199x/thumbnails/budapest_cafe_ladies.jpg

Both have many years experience in a whole range of topics...so ask away..medical, sexual, gardening, DIY, cooking.....

In fact anything.......

Ok first problem and your gonna have to be quick, cos Mr B will be home in 30secs

Should I tell him about the £40 i found or keep it????

tell him it was 20 and give him half

tell him it was 20 and give him half


OYE!

I'm sorry I must have mis read the title of this thread!

Ok first problem and your gonna have to be quick, cos Mr B will be home in 30secs

Should I tell him about the £40 i found or keep it????

Buzz, it all depends on where you found the £40..if it was in or around the house so could actually be your husbands I'm afraid you are going to have to come clean and return £10 to him. If it wasn't then no....

Dear Maeve

Our local school needs a new zebra crossing, so can I ask where did you get your jacket from as I think it would be ideal.

Yours longingly

Nox

Dear Maeve, may I ask what cosmetics and beauty regime you use (so that I can avoid it like the plague) :laugh:

Dear Cat

I have a massive problem, and it's a bit embarrasing but I have a huge phobia of... AGONY AUNTS!!! They freak me out. Oh please will you tell me how to dispose of this life-long disadvantage?

Yours incredibly scared

Fly

Dear Maeve

Our local school needs a new zebra crossing, so can I ask where did you get your jacket from as I think it would be ideal.

Yours longingly

Nox

Hello Nox dear...I'm so glad you like my jacket. Why are you set on a Zebra crossing, there are other types you know:

Pelican Crossing
With a pelican crossing, pedestrians control the traffic by pushing a button. Push the button to cross and wait until the red man turns green. Look both ways and check that the traffic has stopped before crossing. After a short time the green man will begin to flash. This is to warn you that it will soon turn back to red. If you've already started to cross, there should be time to finish crossing safely.

Toucan Crossing
A toucan crossing is similar to a pelican crossing, but it's designed to help cyclists cross the road as well as pedestrians. Remember that toucan crossings are different to pelican crossings, because they don't have the flashing green man that warns you that the lights are about to change.

Zebra Crossing
When crossing on a zebra crossing, wait on the kerb until you are sure the traffic has stopped. Look out for overtaking vehicles while you're crossing. Remember drivers need plenty of time to see pedestrians to slow down and stop safely. Keep looking and listening both ways in case a driver or rider hasn't seen you.

I would go for the added expense of a Pelican or Toucan crossing..get the PTA involved. But remember any crossing is useless unless the children are guided in The Green Cross Code.

Hope to have been of help Nox
Yours Maeve.

Dear Catherine


is it possible to have your parents adopted? mine are getting on my nerves!


Yours in patricide/matricide
Christine

Dear Maeve, may I ask what cosmetics and beauty regime you use (so that I can avoid it like the plague) :laugh:

Hello Critique dear.

Thank you for your comments regarding my make-up, I get a lot of compliments.

I have a routine really....drink lots of water, exfoliate and tone every day and use a gentle moisturiser..one containing Vitamin E is best for the more mature skin.

Then during the day I like a mild foundation, I buy mine from Clinique but as I tend to go thru rather I lot if I'm staying at home I use my own mix which is made from Fullers Earth Powder with a hint of crushed rose petal.

Good luck Critique
Love Maeve
x

Dear Cat

I have a massive problem, and it's a bit embarrasing but I have a huge phobia of... AGONY AUNTS!!! They freak me out. Oh please will you tell me how to dispose of this life-long disadvantage?

Yours incredibly scared

Fly

Flyo you silly moo....to cure your phobia I insist you read this thread twice a day and I'm sure Maeve and Tulip will make your problem go away.

Cat

Dear Maeve

Thank you so much for all your suggestions regarding the crossing. In fact it's been such an eye-opener that we are now considering a footbridge in the style of the millenium bridge, albeit somewhat shorter.

The only problem is, Mrs Flumleberry the crossing lady who is about to retire at the grand old age of 92, only cost half a crown a day (she has fiercely resisted decimalisation), whereas the footbridge will cost over half a million pounds.

The PTA nude calendar raised £31.52, but now we are stuck for more fund raising ideas. Your advice would be appreciated.

Dear Maeve,

I'm concerned. This thread needs to be a sticky and Meddling March needs to be unstuck. Now I'm considering a hunger strike until this occurs. Do you think that's a wise option, or is there any other advice you could give me to try and get this... this... shambles sorted out?

Your irritatingly,

Fly

Good Point Fly.... especially as a mod has made some posts in this thread! :wacko:

Dear Catherine


is it possible to have your parents adopted? mine are getting on my nerves!


Yours in patricide/matricide
Christine

Dol, If you are below the age of 16 the you can make yourself a ward of court, thus removing yourself from their care, but I do believe you are a tad older. In which case I would just move away and don't let them know where.

Tip: Make sure there is no money coming your way tho...it might be worth just gritting your teeth.

Dear Auntie Catherine

How do you get smelly pot pourri oil out of wood?

Yours very nauseatingly Flip xxx

ooops have I stuck this, or has another mod stuck it?? I can't remember and I don't know, if I haven't I will later when I remember or not if someone else has done it!!

Dear Maeve

Thank you so much for all your suggestions regarding the crossing. In fact it's been such an eye-opener that we are now considering a footbridge in the style of the millenium bridge, albeit somewhat shorter.

The only problem is, Mrs Flumleberry the crossing lady who is about to retire at the grand old age of 92, only cost half a crown a day (she has fiercely resisted decimalisation), whereas the footbridge will cost over half a million pounds.

The PTA nude calendar raised £31.52, but now we are stuck for more fund raising ideas. Your advice would be appreciated.

Hello Nox dear....I have searched around and found this perfect bridge for you from Box Girdger Bridges UK.
http://www.arvadahoundz.com/images/little_bridge.jpg
They are willing to transport it FREE OF CHARGE to your school..you will only to find the money for the girders and steps, but they have suggested that 3 grown men either side would suffice for children aged 7 - 12...over twelve 4. How about getting onto the PTA for a parent rota...or search around town for some homeless people - remember to give them a good pasta meal first to keep their strength up.

Is this any help?

Dear Auntie Catherine

How do you get smelly pot pourri oil out of wood?

Yours very nauseatingly Flip xxx

ooops have I stuck this, or has another mod stuck it?? I can't remember and I don't know, if I haven't I will later when I remember or not if someone else has done it!!

Hi flip. For this problem I would suggest a poultice that seeps deep into the wood. Honey is a good sound ingrediant, used in Crimean war many a time.

A stringent agent will also be required for which I suggest the juice of a lemon - with a mashing of pithe so it rests. Mix the two together - I would leave this over night to seep.

The only problem being some stainage might occur...but then you shouldn't be so damn clumbsey should you. Use a good bee's wax with some freshley ground coffee beans if its dark wood to polish when dry.

Hope this helps
Cat

Dear Maeve,

I'm concerned. This thread needs to be a sticky and Meddling March needs to be unstuck. Now I'm considering a hunger strike until this occurs. Do you think that's a wise option, or is there any other advice you could give me to try and get this... this... shambles sorted out?

Your irritatingly,

Fly

Dear Flyo, you really have given me the most concern tonight...I think your ramblings are masking other problems. Tulip is very good with anything sexual or medical...might you ask her?

Yours
Maeve
x

Dear Tulip,

I do have a medical problem, and though it may seem trivial to some, but it is indeed harmful to both my body and (more importantly) my money. I'm addicted to Donner Kebabs. Mock if you like but it's a serious medical condition! I can walk into kebab shops and have my order written down before I've opened my mouth because they know me. I even went as far as to describe a kebab as "wholesome" the other day. Help me break this curse.

Yours eating a kebab,

Fly

hey Auntie Cat - you are a bit of a fixer aren't you?? Thank you very much!!x

Dear Tulip,

I do have a medical problem, and though it may seem trivial to some, but it is indeed harmful to both my body and (more importantly) my money. I'm addicted to Donner Kebabs. Mock if you like but it's a serious medical condition! I can walk into kebab shops and have my order written down before I've opened my mouth because they know me. I even went as far as to describe a kebab as "wholesome" the other day. Help me break this curse.

Yours eating a kebab,

Fly

Hello Flyo dearest.

Oh my..you are caught in the youth trap arn't you??

Can I ask you my dear, have you ever eaten a Donna Kebab when you havn't had alcohol in you blood for more than 7 days??? I doubt it. This is what I am going to suggest to you now my boy. Leave off the drink for one whole week and then go and buy the biggest Donna in town.

I think you will see.

As a good substitute, buy some pitta breads and fill with cheese and grated carrots, onions and cabbage with a dash of mayo and lemon. The texture of the pitta bread should help keep your addiction at bay.

Try it my dear and let me know how you get on.
Tulip x

hey Auntie Cat - you are a bit of a fixer aren't you?? Thank you very much!!x

Thanks for the sticky stuck flip.
xx

Dear Auntie Cat.

I have had a very productive day today.
Thoroughly cleaned out the dining room, even moved the dresser and hoovered and dusted behind it.
I hand washed two woollen tops of my husbands.
I also mowed the lawn and trimmed the edges so it looks all nice and neat.

But my problem is my computer table, all the papers, bills and magazines I have tidied up from elsewhere in the house seem to have congregated on my computer desk, it is a bomb site.
I really don't know what to do.
Please help.

Yours surrounded by papers
Andrea
xxx

Dear Auntie Cat,

How can I con Andrea into coming to my house and being productive?

Lots of love

Fee

Good Point Fly.... especially as a mod has made some posts in this thread! :wacko:


Bloomin 'eck, some people have no patience :)

Dear Maeve

Far more pressing than the safety of the children crossing the road, even more important than ILS impatience, is another little problem that has come to light.

I have a couple of hard white spots around my eyes. They're not squeezable and they won't go away of their own accord. Maybe this is more a question for Tulip whose skin appears to be faultless. Could either of you two lovely ladies give me some advice. Thank you.

Dear meave

It has been pointed out that I am impatient, I don't find it is a problem but some others do...

What can I do to make them understand that it is a great quality in a person to be impatient and not a flaw..

yours impatiently

ils xx

Don't know who to direct this too, so dear both........

Health/beauty issue

Through accident (or sheer laziness) I haven't washed my hair for a week.
It's kind of gone past the lank greasy look and is developing quite a shine and I don't need to use my hair strengtheners any more it sticks nicely.
my question is.
I heard that unwashed hair will eventually be cleaner than washed hair. Can I leave it unwashed forever now or will it start to smell?

xx BoB

Dear Aunt Cat

I have a sexual problem that is causing me embarrassment, can you help?

It all started when I was a teenager. I used to be a big fan of the Sooty Show and at the time I was becoming sexually aware. One Christmas my nan gave me a Sooty glove puppet, and that 's where it started. I used to take Sooty to bed with me, pop him on my hand and then down he went under the covers. It was wonderful. The good things about it were he never said no, never argued, and being furry and absorbent he could 'mop up afterwards'. This phase of my life didn't last very long, just until my early thirties when I fell asleep one night with a cigarette going after a particularly strenuous session and Sooty went up in flames.

Later I met a nice girl and we settled down and married and everything was wonderful until just a few weeks ago. I was at a boot sale looking for a replacement pyrex dinner plate when I came across a copy of the 1974 Sooty Annual. It had a particularly fetching picture of Sooty on the cover, and before I knew what I was doing I had parted with the 25p asking price and hurried home with it. I took it straight into the garden shed and within seconds I was in heaven, it was me and Sooty just like the old times except without the puppet.

Cat, can you tell me

Is this normal?

Do you know where I can get a Sooty glove puppet?

If I can't find a Sooty one would it be alright to use a Sweep puppet or do you think that 's being unfaithful?

PLease reply as I think I'm going crazy and my wife is starting to wonder what I'm doing in the shed.

Yours anonymously
Handy Man

Bloomin 'eck, some people have no patience :)

Dear Maeve

I have a couple of hard white spots around my eyes. They're not squeezable and they won't go away of their own accord. Maybe this is more a question for Tulip whose skin appears to be faultless. Could either of you two lovely ladies give me some advice. Thank you.

Hello Nox dear, Maeve has passed your question to me to advice. What you have is a harmless condition called Milia which basically means whiteheads. It is a common complaint of keratin-filled spots that usually appear around the eyes, on the cheeks and on the eyelids in all ages, from infants to adults.

Do not ever be tempted to squeeze or use blackhead removers or use pins, this will cause inflamation. To treat them most effectively yourself, hold a comfortably hot, wet facecloth over the skin for a few minutes, to loosen and remove dead skin cells. GENTLY use an exfoliating facial wash containing salicylic acid to remove the top layer of skin, which will enable the cysts to fall out. Also make sure you use a non oily moisturiser.

If you start to get more dear I would suggest a consultation with a GOOD beauty salon to see what they suggest.

TIP: A good natural exfoliater is salt!

I hope this helps dear.
Yours Tulip

Dear Auntie Cat.

I have had a very productive day today.
Thoroughly cleaned out the dining room, even moved the dresser and hoovered and dusted behind it.
I hand washed two woollen tops of my husbands.
I also mowed the lawn and trimmed the edges so it looks all nice and neat.

But my problem is my computer table, all the papers, bills and magazines I have tidied up from elsewhere in the house seem to have congregated on my computer desk, it is a bomb site.
I really don't know what to do.
Please help.

Yours surrounded by papers
Andrea
xxx

Well done Andrea, you put us all to shame.

Scooting around I found this site which may be of help:

[/IMG] http://uk.nextag.com/Office~desk+tidyz10104000z9lewt2z0zB1elgzukz5-htm[IMG]

They seem to have a good variety of desk tidy's, I particularly like the printer stand!

Or maybe you could put up some more shelving around the the desk?

Hope this helps
Cat

Dear Auntie Cat,

How can I con Andrea into coming to my house and being productive?

Lots of love

Fee

Hello Fee. I don't think that would be possible, Andrea's obviously such a cleaning freak she would never have the time.

I recommend a cleaner.

Cat

Dear meave

It has been pointed out that I am impatient, I don't find it is a problem but some others do...

What can I do to make them understand that it is a great quality in a person to be impatient and not a flaw..

yours impatiently

ils xx

Hello ils dear.

I'm afraid I am going to beg to differ; impatience is certainly not a great quality but then I wouldn't call it a flaw either. It can be dealt with and you can learn to manage your impatience better. Do you get violent when your patience breaks? If so I would recommend an Anger Management Course. If you ask at your local Citizens Advice Bureau I'm sure they will be able to point you in the right direction.

For immediate effect you can do no better than the good old counting to 10 or taking deep breaths. But best of all is to walk away and confront the problem later when you are in a calmer state of mind.

Remember deep breaths ils.
Love Maeve

Don't know who to direct this too, so dear both........

Health/beauty issue

Through accident (or sheer laziness) I haven't washed my hair for a week.
It's kind of gone past the lank greasy look and is developing quite a shine and I don't need to use my hair strengtheners any more it sticks nicely.
my question is.
I heard that unwashed hair will eventually be cleaner than washed hair. Can I leave it unwashed forever now or will it start to smell?

xx BoB

You can actually leave it unwashed, by about week 3-4 your hair will start to shift the build of grease naturally and cleanse it self. The only problem being is the smell, do you smoke or are you around smokers? You could use a mild perfume to mask the smell though. You can also rinse it thru with warm water.

When/ if you do wash it the condition will be fantastic, people do over wash their hair.

Hope this helps
Yours Tulip
x

Why thankyou Auntie Cat.

I do like those desk tidies and might purchase one soon.
Thankyou again for all your help :thumbsup:

Andrea

Dear Auntie Cat,

Mr C is going out to a gig tonight and I am going to be at home on my own.

Do you think I should start another fire so I can fill the house with burly firemen for some fun and thrills, or just settle down for an early night on my own with a good book?

Yours hoping for the first option,

Ceridwen
xxxx

Hello ils dear.

I'm afraid I am going to beg to differ; impatience is certainly not a great quality but then I wouldn't call it a flaw either. It can be dealt with and you can learn to manage your impatience better. Do you get violent when your patience breaks? If so I would recommend an Anger Management Course. If you ask at your local Citizens Advice Bureau I'm sure they will be able to point you in the right direction.

For immediate effect you can do no better than the good old counting to 10 or taking deep breaths. But best of all is to walk away and confront the problem later when you are in a calmer state of mind.

Remember deep breaths ils.
Love Maeve

Well I don't find your advice helpful at all, I will not be using your service again, and I certainly won't be recommending to anyone. Pah! :mad:

Hello Nox dear, Maeve has passed your question to me to advice. What you have is a harmless condition called Milia which basically means whiteheads. It is a common complaint of keratin-filled spots that usually appear around the eyes, on the cheeks and on the eyelids in all ages, from infants to adults.

Do not ever be tempted to squeeze or use blackhead removers or use pins, this will cause inflamation. To treat them most effectively yourself, hold a comfortably hot, wet facecloth over the skin for a few minutes, to loosen and remove dead skin cells. GENTLY use an exfoliating facial wash containing salicylic acid to remove the top layer of skin, which will enable the cysts to fall out. Also make sure you use a non oily moisturiser.

If you start to get more dear I would suggest a consultation with a GOOD beauty salon to see what they suggest.

TIP: A good natural exfoliater is salt!

I hope this helps dear.
Yours Tulip


f*** me I'm impressed!

Dear Auntie Cat,

Mr C is going out to a gig tonight and I am going to be at home on my own.

Do you think I should start another fire so I can fill the house with burly firemen for some fun and thrills, or just settle down for an early night on my own with a good book?

Yours hoping for the first option,

Ceridwen
xxxx

I'm not going out Ceri, wanna play? :w00t:

Dear Maeve and Tulip

Please help. I have a friend who, up to now, has not shown much of her feminine pamering side to me and now she seems to know about such things as "exfoliation" and "overwashing hair".

I don't feel I know her any more.

What am I to do? :excl: :huh:

Dear Cat, Maeve and Tulip,
I'm having a problem with my mobile phone and I would appreciate your help.
[shameless thread plug]Here are the details here (http://www.survivor-online.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=2089) [/shameless thread plug]

Thank you,
"Annoyed", North Lanarkshire

Dear Maeve and Tulip

I took your advice regarding the exfoliating routine. Unfortunately, my memory is not what it was and I bought sulphuric acid instead of salicylic acid. However, the good news is no more spots.

Yours spotlessly

Nox

Thanks Tulip!
yes I do smoke so warm water probably the best thing!

Dear Aunt Cat

I have a sexual problem that is causing me embarrassment, can you help?

It all started when I was a teenager. I used to be a big fan of the Sooty Show and at the time I was becoming sexually aware. One Christmas my nan gave me a Sooty glove puppet, and that 's where it started. I used to take Sooty to bed with me, pop him on my hand and then down he went under the covers. It was wonderful. The good things about it were he never said no, never argued, and being furry and absorbent he could 'mop up afterwards'. This phase of my life didn't last very long, just until my early thirties when I fell asleep one night with a cigarette going after a particularly strenuous session and Sooty went up in flames.

Later I met a nice girl and we settled down and married and everything was wonderful until just a few weeks ago. I was at a boot sale looking for a replacement pyrex dinner plate when I came across a copy of the 1974 Sooty Annual. It had a particularly fetching picture of Sooty on the cover, and before I knew what I was doing I had parted with the 25p asking price and hurried home with it. I took it straight into the garden shed and within seconds I was in heaven, it was me and Sooty just like the old times except without the puppet.

Cat, can you tell me

Is this normal?

Do you know where I can get a Sooty glove puppet?

If I can't find a Sooty one would it be alright to use a Sweep puppet or do you think that 's being unfaithful?

PLease reply as I think I'm going crazy and my wife is starting to wonder what I'm doing in the shed.

Yours anonymously
Handy Man

Hello Survivorfan dear,

I passed your problem to Tulip and I'm afraid she fainted. Cat wanted me to call the police but I explained that we should have compassion for people with problems such as yours.

There are some very good courses that I think maybe able to help you:

Are you aroused by your puppet. 1/2 day Birmingham NEC
Norman Jacobs - ventriloquist - speaks about how his life was turned into a nightmare when he was turned on by his puppets, and ended up serving 8 months in jail when a childrens tea party went horribly wrong.

Sooty the Incubus. 2 day workshop at Cambridge Corn Exchange.
Is your attraction to sooty ruining your life. Come together with like minded individuals - Open forums and afternoon workshops. Guest speaker Ronny H Corbet. Finger Buffet both days.

Am I a pervert. 12 week evening course at The Derngate Northampton.
Talk thru your perversions with Charity Ming and Sean Pritchard. Price includes end of course awards ceremony and certificate

I do hope this helps you dear.
Maeve.

Dear Auntie Cat,

Mr C is going out to a gig tonight and I am going to be at home on my own.

Do you think I should start another fire so I can fill the house with burly firemen for some fun and thrills, or just settle down for an early night on my own with a good book?

Yours hoping for the first option,

Ceridwen
xxxx

Ceri...you know what the right answer is to this one don't you.

GET YOUR **** TO PATSY'S VIRTUAL PARTY.

Hope this helps
Cat

Sooty the Incubus. 2 day workshop at Cambridge Corn Exchange.
Is your attraction to sooty ruining your life. Come together with like minded individuals - Open forums and afternoon workshops. Guest speaker Ronny H Corbet. Finger Buffet both days.



Dear auntie

thanks for the advice, I will try this one.

Talk thru your perversions with Charity Ming and Sean Pritchard. Price includes end of course awards ceremony and certificate

I do hope this helps you dear.
Maeve.

Laughed a lot, Julian very worried.

Dear Maeve and Tulip

Please help. I have a friend who, up to now, has not shown much of her feminine pamering side to me and now she seems to know about such things as "exfoliation" and "overwashing hair".

I don't feel I know her any more.

What am I to do? :excl: :huh:

Hello Patsy dear,

We did chuckle about your post...you're talking about Cat arn't you, she has said that you go back a long way. I'm sure you know her as well as you thought, she is just trying to do her best in her new role.

Don't worry dear.
Maeve.

Dear Cat, Maeve and Tulip,
I'm having a problem with my mobile phone and I would appreciate your help.
[shameless thread plug]Here are the details here (http://www.survivor-online.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=2089) [/shameless thread plug]

Thank you,
"Annoyed", North Lanarkshire

Hello PJ dear

I have decided to deal with your problem myself as Cat came over all giggly and silly when it came thru.

I recommend you ditch your mobile, Cat has never possessed one and encouraged Tulip and I to do the same. It is so liberating.

I hope this helps
Maeve.

Dear Ladies

TFFT...................... I thought I'd lost her there, what with all these girly girls on this thread. Thanks for helping.

BTW, would you like to do a turn at my party tonight?

Dear Ladies

TFFT...................... I thought I'd lost her there, what with all these girly girls on this thread. Thanks for helping.

BTW, would you like to do a turn at my party tonight?

Patsy, I would love too...but I think a bit of break would be good, I never envisaged that the SO population has such varied problems.

Finger Buffet both days.

http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/lold.gif http://pages.prodigy.net/rogerlori1/emoticons/LOL.GIFhttp://pages.prodigy.net/indianahawkeye/newpage12/1.gif

Dear Maeve,
Ever since Cat posted your photo up I have thought of nothing else. Your face is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night. To tell you the truth, I think I may be falling in love with you. Would it be possible to meet you in person? I want nothing more than to touch your beautiful face and run my fingers through your boufant. Please say you will meet me.
Get Tulip involved too if you want, I'm up for anything.

Yours adoringly,
PJ

There's been a breakthrough in the case of the kebab, I had yet another last night, and partly by the thought of your advice and how I was feeling this morning, I'm going to give up donner kebabs for a 40 day period. That is, my kebab fast will last such that I can eat a Donner Kebab on 13th May 2005.

Dear Maeve, (serious problem)

One of my internet friends wants to come and stay with me for the weekend. I'm afraid I am going to be revealed as a total slob/slut and not the houseworking/cooking godess that I have made myself out to be :blush:.

I only have a couple of weeks - any tips for an instant flat make-over?

Dear Maeve,
Ever since Cat posted your photo up I have thought of nothing else. Your face is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night. To tell you the truth, I think I may be falling in love with you. Would it be possible to meet you in person? I want nothing more than to touch your beautiful face and run my fingers through your boufant. Please say you will meet me.
Get Tulip involved too if you want, I'm up for anything.

Yours adoringly,
PJ

Hello PJ dear

I am very flattered by your expressed interest in myself and a little suprised. Cat has spoken very highly of you and I think she would be shocked and hurt if she knew you had affections for me. I will have to turn you down as I don't want to ruin my working relationship with Cat.

Sorry to disappoint you dear.
Maeve.

PS My contract finishes at the end of April so any time after that would be fine, Tulip too if you dont' mind, she's gagging for a bit of rumpy pumpy.

Dear Maeve, (serious problem)

One of my internet friends wants to come and stay with me for the weekend. I'm afraid I am going to be revealed as a total slob/slut and not the houseworking/cooking godess that I have made myself out to be :blush:.

I only have a couple of weeks - any tips for an instant flat make-over?

Hello Critique dear

Well, what I would recommend is contact a professional cleaner and book their services. 2 or 3 of them would come for a day and blitz your house...they would do all the hard work like scrubbing paintwork etc. Then all you would have to do is tidy up - go thru the yellow pages and get an idea of cost. It is going to cost you..but I think it would be worth it, not only to show your friends but as a start to keeping your house tidy and not being such a slut.

I hope this helps
Maeve.

Oooh thanks Maeve dear - good thinking. I'm not too worried about washing down paintwork, just so long as they can make us a space to sit.

And as I can't afford Jamie Oliver, I think perhaps catering by Pizza Hut or the Golden Dragon Take-away. :thumbsup:

Dear Tulip and Maeve hope you can help me with my problem.

When Mr M gets frisky in bed I keep losing my page any ideas. And another thing he keeps on about bedroom toys so I told him there is no room for a train set in my bedroom. So then he starts on about me getting a teddy, well I grew out of soft toys years ago. The best idea he came up with was asking me to sit on his face, well I thought, at least that would stop him bloomin snoring. So any ideas ladies, I presume you are ladies although you look like you've been round the block a bit. Any suggestions welcomed.

Dear Maeve,
Thank you for your speedy response. I'm afraid i cannot wait until the end of the month. I simply must have you now. Don't make me angry.

Yours love-sickedly
PJ

Dear Maeve,
Thank you for your speedy response. I'm afraid i cannot wait until the end of the month. I simply must have you now. Don't make me angry.

Yours love-sickedly
PJ

PJ
Maeve had passed this back to me now. She dosn't want you mate.
I do how ever.

Hope this helps
Cat

Don't like to rush you ladies for an answer but Mr M is getting that glint in his eye again. :naughty:

Dear Tulip and Maeve hope you can help me with my problem.

When Mr M gets frisky in bed I keep losing my page any ideas. And another thing he keeps on about bedroom toys so I told him there is no room for a train set in my bedroom. So then he starts on about me getting a teddy, well I grew out of soft toys years ago. The best idea he came up with was asking me to sit on his face, well I thought, at least that would stop him bloomin snoring. So any ideas ladies, I presume you are ladies although you look like you've been round the block a bit. Any suggestions welcomed.

Hello Mazwad dear.

Oh dear the age added problem....us ladies of a certain age in a long marriage...just can't be frigged can we. But needs must..re keeping the page in your book:

- if you take control and go on top you could put an adjusted music stand to your side...so as you bob a long you can just turn the page as needed. Mr Mazwad would have no idea.

Hopefully this will stop all his silly talk about toys and sitting on his face.

If not please come back to me.

Hope this helps
Tulip
x

mmmmmmmmmm those missionary's have a lot to learn don't they dear. Thank you sooooooooooooo much for your advice. :D

Dear Tulip,

You seem like a lady who manages to stay youthful yet dignified in appearance so I wonder if you can help me?

Mr FFA would dearly like me to have a tattoo in a place that only he could share, but I am struggling to find something sufficiently discreet for a woman of my years, yet still allowing for MR FFA's failing eyesight.

I did find a rather fetching illustration of a coiled viper, but Mr FFA mistook it for some dog excrement - something we felt would not be conducive to l'amour.

Would you be so kind as to propose a few alternatives? Or indeed any suggestions that may bring a glint to his poor eyes?

Dear Tulip,

You seem like a lady who manages to stay youthful yet dignified in appearance so I wonder if you can help me?

Mr FFA would dearly like me to have a tattoo in a place that only he could share, but I am struggling to find something sufficiently discreet for a woman of my years, yet still allowing for MR FFA's failing eyesight.

I did find a rather fetching illustration of a coiled viper, but Mr FFA mistook it for some dog excrement - something we felt would not be conducive to l'amour.

Would you be so kind as to propose a few alternatives? Or indeed any suggestions that may bring a glint to his poor eyes?

Hello Fee dear,

Well on one of my trips to Holland I met a lovely young lady who had a tatoo that lit up!! yes...reallly, she showed me how it worked.

Once the tatoo was done...and please pick sensibly - she had a light house. Under the skin a convector was threaded through a vein that led out to her lower inner thigh and during the day she just taped this down. But when she wanted it to flash she could discretely plug it into a charger ( similar to phone) and flash away.

So it can be done Fee...just think up your story first.

Top tip: To save on money and surgery, why don't you just try a flashing helmet in bed and see how this goes.


Hope this helps dear.
Tulip
x

Thank-you Tulip for your swift response!

I have decided to combine your ideas and am currently wiring up Mr FFA for a flashing helmet!

I think you have an excellent style here Cat!

I want the agony to go on through May aswell!

I'm desparately trying to think up a problem for you to solve but alas my life is so perfect that i can't think of one single problem.

Hello Fee dear,

Well on one of my trips to Holland I met a lovely young lady who had a tatoo that lit up!! yes...reallly, she showed me how it worked.

Once the tatoo was done...and please pick sensibly - she had a light house. Under the skin a convector was threaded through a vein that led out to her lower inner thigh and during the day she just taped this down. But when she wanted it to flash she could discretely plug it into a charger ( similar to phone) and flash away.

So it can be done Fee...just think up your story first.

Top tip: To save on money and surgery, why don't you just try a flashing helmet in bed and see how this goes.


Hope this helps dear.
Tulip
x

You could have runway landing strips fitted

Thank-you Tulip for your swift response!

I have decided to combine your ideas and am currently wiring up Mr FFA for a flashing helmet!

:ohmy:

ROFLMAO :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Dear Aunt Cat

You were kind enough to help me with my glove puppet problem, and now I have booked a self help session my wife is talking to me again.

Unfortunately there is something else getting me down and I'm wondering if you can help with this one too.

Last Christmas I wanted to get my wife a surprise present. She had always been complaining about the state of our bedroom and had spent a lot of time poring over interior decorating magazines. I sent her away for a long weekend at her mother's while unknown to her I redecorated the bedroom! I wanted warm relaxing colours, and settled for a shag pile carpet in chocolate brown, and mustard yellow walls.

When she came back I thought her tears were tears of joy, until it dawned on me that she didn't like the room. Aunt Cat, what can I do about her? I refuse to change the decor, and now she's threatening to leave for good. What can I do to make her see sense? Or should I just accept that she has no taste, kick her out, and find someone else who is more artistic?

You could have runway landing strips fitted


:w00t: INCOMING....!!!

Dear Tulip

I'm at my wits end. My beloved eight year old niece has always longed for an authentic Sooty puppet. As you may already be aware, they are very hard to come by and good examples are like gold dust. So, imagine my surprise when I saw a Sooty glove puppet for sale at a car boot sale in deepest darkest Surrey. At £50 it seemed like a very good bargain.

It was well packed, so well packed in fact that the seller refused to take it out of its packaging so that I could see it in its unfurled state - only its head was visible but this looked to be clean and in good condition. I took the seller at his word regarding the remainder of Sooty's body which he said was in pristine condition.

Imagine my horror when I gave Sooty to my niece on her birthday yesterday only to find that the upper and lower part of Sooty's body were securely stuck together. No amount of hot water, white spirit or meths would break the seal so ingrained was the substance that held it together.

Of course, I returned to the same pitch the following week to demand my money back, but it was vacant.

What should I do?

Dear Aunt Cat

You were kind enough to help me with my glove puppet problem, and now I have booked a self help session my wife is talking to me again.

Unfortunately there is something else getting me down and I'm wondering if you can help with this one too.

Last Christmas I wanted to get my wife a surprise present. She had always been complaining about the state of our bedroom and had spent a lot of time poring over interior decorating magazines. I sent her away for a long weekend at her mother's while unknown to her I redecorated the bedroom! I wanted warm relaxing colours, and settled for a shag pile carpet in chocolate brown, and mustard yellow walls.

When she came back I thought her tears were tears of joy, until it dawned on me that she didn't like the room. Aunt Cat, what can I do about her? I refuse to change the decor, and now she's threatening to leave for good. What can I do to make her see sense? Or should I just accept that she has no taste, kick her out, and find someone else who is more artistic?

Hello again Survivorfan my dear.

Oh deary me, I'm afraid I dont' have good news for you. Myself and Tulip have perused endlessly today in an effort to make brown shag and mustard walls work, but to no avail...and if anyone was going to do it would have been Tulip, trust me.

The best we have come up with is keep one or the other.

Keeping the Mustard Walls.
Will entail ridding the carpet...just pull back and sand down the floorboards and stain in a dark oak. Make sure all the paint work and and doors are gloss white. The bedding should be plain white no patterns - very cheap from most fabric discount stores. Scatter cushions of varied fabrics and designs - try and run the mustard thru most tho...will bring a splash of colour. Est Cost: £200

Keeping the Brown Shag.
Wash the walls roughly and thickly in white. The bedding needs to be very light again...white with a tiny rose bud embroidered pattern (red and green roses) would be nice. On the walls hang some heavy dark framed pictures from junk shops - preferably of flowers or fruit. Est Cost £150

I really do think Mrs Survivorfan would be very pleased with these results.

I hope this helps
Maeve.

PS But if you really want to please her I think a 27 year old Portugese man, with buttocks you could bounce off the walls would do the job just as well.

Dear Tulip

I'm at my wits end. My beloved eight year old niece has always longed for an authentic Sooty puppet. As you may already be aware, they are very hard to come by and good examples are like gold dust. So, imagine my surprise when I saw a Sooty glove puppet for sale at a car boot sale in deepest darkest Surrey. At £50 it seemed like a very good bargain.

It was well packed, so well packed in fact that the seller refused to take it out of its packaging so that I could see it in its unfurled state - only its head was visible but this looked to be clean and in good condition. I took the seller at his word regarding the remainder of Sooty's body which he said was in pristine condition.

Imagine my horror when I gave Sooty to my niece on her birthday yesterday only to find that the upper and lower part of Sooty's body were securely stuck together. No amount of hot water, white spirit or meths would break the seal so ingrained was the substance that held it together.

Of course, I returned to the same pitch the following week to demand my money back, but it was vacant.

What should I do?

Hello Nox dear

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think your puppet may have been previously owned by a pervert.

In you shoes, I would take to puppet to the police as evidence. Even though you have washed it a great deal, it has obviously been much used and some evidence will still be there.

I hope this helps dear.
Tulip.

Dear Maeve,

When I confided in you my complete aversion to housework I thought this information would be confidential. However, as a certain friend of yours (of the feline persuasion) called me a "dirty cow" in the chatroom last night, I can only conclude that, far from being confidential, you all sit round and discuss our shortcomings, no doubt having a good old laugh at our expense too.

This is most distressing and unprofessional. I have an appointment for therapy tomorrow - not to deal with my aversion to housework but to undo the damage caused by your thoughtlessness.

I look forward to receiving an apology forthwith.

Dear Maeve,

When I confided in you my complete aversion to housework I thought this information would be confidential. However, as a certain friend of yours (of the feline persuasion) called me a "dirty cow" in the chatroom last night, I can only conclude that, far from being confidential, you all sit round and discuss our shortcomings, no doubt having a good old laugh at our expense too.

This is most distressing and unprofessional. I have an appointment for therapy tomorrow - not to deal with my aversion to housework but to undo the damage caused by your thoughtlessness.

I look forward to receiving an apology forthwith.

Oh Critique my dear!

What can can say, an apology is certainly due and is thus given with heartfelt humbleness. I can only agree whole heartedly that what Cat said was both distressing,unprofessional and certainly uncalled for. We had no idea that she would have the thoughlessness to break a confidence. I have discussed this with Tulip and we have decided to exclude Cat from all future problematic debate.

I hope you can find it in you heart to accept our apology and hope our actions are satisfactory to you.

Yours ingratiatingly
Maeve and Tulip

PS Have you tidyed up that pit yet?

Dear Maeve and Tulip,

I have a degenerative eye problem which resulted in the eye hospital telling me I had the "eyes of a 75 year old". As if this wasn't distressing enough, when I went to the osteopath on Monday he said he could feel evidence of arthritis in my left knee and that it felt like the "knee of a 55 year old".

Most of my family developed arthritis whilst still in their thirties and I haven't taken the news well. The trouble is that I am still only 34 but seem to have developed some kind of bizarre premature ageing disease.

Do you think I should continue with the healthy diet and exercise regime I now have, or shall I just give up and go back to the fast food, booze and fags diet, as at this rate I shall not have many more years left on this mortal coil?

Your decrepitly,

Ceridwen

Oh Critique my dear!

What can can say, an apology is certainly due and is thus given with heartfelt humbleness. I can only agree whole heartedly that what Cat said was both distressing,unprofessional and certainly uncalled for. We had no idea that she would have the thoughlessness to break a confidence. I have discussed this with Tulip and we have decided to exclude Cat from all future problematic debate.

I hope you can find it in you heart to accept our apology and hope our actions are satisfactory to you.

Yours ingratiatingly
Maeve and Tulip

PS Have you tidyed up that pit yet?

Well, I suppose I will have to rise above it and accept your apology. I couldn't quite read that bit in grey at the bottom but I assume it was more grovelling so, that being the case, I will let it go this time but I will certainly be more careful about opening up my heart and divulging my darkest secrets.

Crit

Dear Maeve and Tulip

I have a number of disturbing problems I've never had the courage to voice before.

I'm ashamed to tell you that my problems are threefold. I'm a sadomasochist, I'm also into bestiality, and, worst of all, necrophilia.

Tell me, am I flogging a dead horse?

I'm ashamed to tell you that my problems are threefold. I'm a sadomasochist, I'm also into bestiality, and, worst of all, necrophilia.

You forgot to mention that you are also rubbish at quizzes and have an extraordinarily large nose.

I'm fahking funny though, aren't I?

I'm fahking funny though, aren't I?

Nope. :ninja:

Stop following me then

Nope. :ninja:

Dear Cat and Maeve and Tulip.

How does one get rid of an unwanted cyber-stalker?

Dear Maeve and Tulip,

How can you stop someone who loves you unrequitedly from accusing you of being a stalker when in fact you are trying to get rid of them?

Yours floopy bashingly,

Ceridwen

Will you please let go of my ankle.

Will you please let go of my ankle.


Nope. :ninja:

Will you two go and play else where please, these consulting rooms are not the place for such immature behaviour.

Tulip :angry:

Oh great, so I'm stuck with her :angry:


Thanks for all your help, Auntie.

pah

Will you two go and play else where please, these consulting rooms are not the place for such immature behaviour.

Tulip :angry:

I agree. Go away.

Dear Maeve and Tulip

I have a number of disturbing problems I've never had the courage to voice before.

I'm ashamed to tell you that my problems are threefold. I'm a sadomasochist, I'm also into bestiality, and, worst of all, necrophilia.

Tell me, am I flogging a dead horse?

Hello floopy dear

Oh my...this has caused us great thought and concern. Though you may think your problem is threefold it isn't dear; it is one problem when it comes down to it - sex. Not only does it seem that sex in varying forms is taking over your life, what concerns us more is that you are actually breaking the law and the consequences could be distastrous to your and your family.

Realistically we don't think you can be cured so we have been trying to think of a way to satisfy your needs within the British Law. We think we have come up with an answer.

We suggest you approach an abbatoire and purchase a dead sheep; get this stuffed by a professional taxidermist. You can then get a good local electrician to wire up the sheep with a control so at the click of a switch it can appear warm and alive or cold and dead. You can also have it wired to give you small electric shocks when you are in that mood. You may find this might cost you quite a bit to secure the electicians silence.
As long as you keep your sheep clean and have the wiring checked regularly we think this is the safest option for your habits.

We hope this helps
Tulip and Maeve.

Dear Maeve and Tulip,


Why haven't you answered my query about ageing? :angry:

Yours disgruntedly,

Ceridwen

Dear Maeve and Tulip,


Why haven't you answered my query about ageing? :angry:

Yours disgruntedly,

Ceridwen

God these OAPs don't half get grumpy....

Dear Maeve and Tulip,

I have a degenerative eye problem which resulted in the eye hospital telling me I had the "eyes of a 75 year old". As if this wasn't distressing enough, when I went to the osteopath on Monday he said he could feel evidence of arthritis in my left knee and that it felt like the "knee of a 55 year old".

Most of my family developed arthritis whilst still in their thirties and I haven't taken the news well. The trouble is that I am still only 34 but seem to have developed some kind of bizarre premature ageing disease.

Do you think I should continue with the healthy diet and exercise regime I now have, or shall I just give up and go back to the fast food, booze and fags diet, as at this rate I shall not have many more years left on this mortal coil?

Your decrepitly,

Ceridwen

Hello Ceridwan dear

I'm sorry about the delay in replying but I'm afraid Tulip was a bit miffed with your frollicking in the corridors with floopy earlier, she found it very disrespectfull. However, we shall move on.

It is never, ever to late to better your diet, health and excercise routine, but where people make the mistake is expecting results overnight. Your eye condition and inherited arthritis are something beyond your control, but what is in your control is the way you manage them.

Foods containing vitamins A & C are beneficial for the eyes and for your joints an especially good supplement to take is Glucosamine + Chondroitin, this replenishes cartlidges in the joints.

When you stop smoking, again things can get worse before they get better; it is not unusual to develop a worse cough than normal. This is because you arn't inhailing the tickly smoke that helped to bring up the phlegm anymore, you have to work harder to bring it up! Your skin can also suffer, infact you can actually feel quite unwell. IT WILL PASS, but it can take up to 18 months I'm afraid.

Excercise is always good, but if you have conditions you have to do the right excercise. If your joints are sore swimming is the best thing you can do, avoid impact sports like running.

I hope this helps dear
Maeve.

PS 34 eh - up your fish oil intake to aid memory.

Dear Auntie Cat

How do you avoid ending up with a painful bottom after a camel ride?

Coastie

Coastie Dear Auntie Cat

How do you avoid ending up with a painful bottom after a camel ride?

Coastie
Let the camel go on top :bag:

runs and hides from Maeve and Tulip

Let the camel go on top :bag:

runs and hides from Maeve and Tulip


.................... :laugh:

Dear Auntie Cat

How do you avoid ending up with a painful bottom after a camel ride?

Coastie

Hello Coastie dear

Oh my, you really are having fun on your holiday arn't you. What you have is saddle sore my dear, and it is very painfull - I experienced this myself once when I participated in a horse trek across the Pyrenees in my care free youth. Our guide, a rather splendid chap called Manuel instructed us to slap on loads of Vaseline around the bottom and inner thighs. To avoid stains, put on old panties or prefereably cut off at the knee Long Johns and then your normal outer wear.

I'm afraid if you already are suffering - its just like sunburn isn't it....slap on lots of zinc cream when you go to bed, a good make is Sudocream, but any cheaper zinc cream will suffice. And leave your bottom to air.

I do hope this helps dear
Maeve

Let the camel go on top :bag:

runs and hides from Maeve and Tulip

Buzz dear

There are enough threads on this board to post your funnies.

This, however, is not the thread.

Tulip

.................... :laugh:

Patsy

I would be very grateful if you could stop encouraging Buzz, she is very impressionable.

Tulip

I quite fancy her, is it obvious? :blush:

Dear Cat

I think I might be going mad. Recently I have experienced some strange manifestations. Cat, I see Real People.

Take tonight. I was perfectly OK, flitting between laptop and telly and Mr FFA on the phone, when there was a strange ringing noise coming from the general area of the front door. When I opened it, there were people there.

They came into my home, handed me a glass bottle, made me get real glasses out of the cupboard and then we drank and made conversation without the use of keyboards. One even related a joke without his head turning round and yellow at the end of it.

As you can imagine, I am quite distressed. :cry:

What do you suggest?

FFA

Dear Cat

I think I might be going mad. Recently I have experienced some strange manifestations. Cat, I see Real People.

Take tonight. I was perfectly OK, flitting between laptop and telly and Mr FFA on the phone, when there was a strange ringing noise coming from the general area of the front door. When I opened it, there were people there.

They came into my home, handed me a glass bottle, made me get real glasses out of the cupboard and then we drank and made conversation without the use of keyboards. One even related a joke without his head turning round and yellow at the end of it.

As you can imagine, I am quite distressed. :cry:

What do you suggest?

FFA

Hello Fee my dear

Oh dear, oh deary me...I really do think you have a case of .....Realpeopleitus. Its not nice at all. Its a condition that you have no control over...Realpeopleitus can turn up unexpectidly and not go until it is ready to go....you will find you cannot just minimise and come back later...Realpeopleitus dosn't shrink, you have to speak in real time...you cannot google your answer, there is no time.

With Realpeopleitus you have to be nice and uncomplaining, if you feel happy you have to do a real smile, you cannot just flash up a smilile yellow face...ditto if you are feeling sad/angry or mellow.

I would seriously suggest that you dont' answer your door any more.

Beware the real people Fee, they cannot be trusted.

I hope this helps
Maeve

Maeve

Thank-you so much. It is such a relief to know I am not alone.

I have just placed an order on-line with Tesco for enough supplies to see me through this difficult time. It will be delivered and left outside my house so that I may retrieve it in the dark of night.

:)

Could I have some problems please...Maeve and Tulip are getting restless and have started on the gin.

Dear Maeve.

I have a question about etiquette. When I have a cold is it permissible when in a public place eg a bus to gob up the flemmy-wemm into a hanky?

Many thanks
'snot-filled'.

Dear Tulip


Prune juice. Yes or no?

Dear Maeve and Tulip,

I am in a financial quandary. Mr C's car radio is dead so every day he wants me to drive to work so he doesn't miss anything. This means I am spending vast amounts of money on petrol. Additionally, my physio has just informed me that my knee injury could take a year to recover, but the physio costs £45 a pop and I am going once a week.

I cannot afford to pay for physio on my own and I cannot afford to keep paying for petrol. Hints to Mr C (who is loaded) about my impoverished state have so far been met with stoney silence. What do you think I should do, we have separate bank accounts and I am running out of dosh fast?

Sorry to interrupt ladies, but this is very important. Do you know where I can find Cat? She was around earlier, but went off very abruptly. I think she might be upset. Can you help? Has she said anything?

I haven't heard anything from Cat either for a while.
I hope she's OK :unsure:

It's not a good thing when she goes quiet. She's up to something. :unsure:

Dear Maeve.

I have a question about etiquette. When I have a cold is it permissible when in a public place eg a bus to gob up the flemmy-wemm into a hanky?

Many thanks
'snot-filled'.

Hello Survivorfan dear

I'm sorry to hear about your cold dear, its that time of year isn't it..central heating on..off...on again. A perfect breeding ground for the cold virus. Now dear, regarding the ridding of excess mucus..if you are on a bus try and get the front seat on the upper deck (not that I can imagine you lugging your lanky frame up that spindly stair well)...here the rest of the bus won't be able to see you. If this fails try flobbing in your hand just as you hand over your money to the conductor...then he can deal with it.

But I really do recommend you take a taxi, much less common.

Hope this helps dear.
Maeve

Dear Tulip


Prune juice. Yes or no?


Hello Floopy dear.

I personally find prune juice very tasty dear...but do accept it is not to everyone's liking...it can be very thick in texture. But it is an excellent source of iron.

So yes my dear.

Another excellent iron source is Black Strap Mollasses, its like an unsweet treacle. I would recommend you find a cake recipe that uses treacle and substitute it with this as it is very bitter to taste on its own.

We'll have you looking like Pop Eye at this rate dear!

Hope this helps.
Tulip

Dear Maeve and Tulip,

I am in a financial quandary. Mr C's car radio is dead so every day he wants me to drive to work so he doesn't miss anything. This means I am spending vast amounts of money on petrol. Additionally, my physio has just informed me that my knee injury could take a year to recover, but the physio costs £45 a pop and I am going once a week.

I cannot afford to pay for physio on my own and I cannot afford to keep paying for petrol. Hints to Mr C (who is loaded) about my impoverished state have so far been met with stoney silence. What do you think I should do, we have separate bank accounts and I am running out of dosh fast?

Hello Ceridwen my dear

I am so sorry but I do think Mr C is behaving in an extremely selfish way. What I would do dear, is drain the car of petrol, obviously storing it safetly out of sight...then the next morning declare that you cannot run him to work as you have next to no petrol and no money to buy any more.... The ball is then firmly in his court then.

If this fails I would recommend having a sordid, meaningless affair.

I hope this helps dear.

Tulip

PS Having the affair with your Physio might help money matters.

Dear Tulip

I hope you can help.....

I have to spend 12hrs next to Mr Belchy Fart Breath Smelly Feet and am not sure I will be able to survive til the end of the day. I do not have access to oxygen and because of the air conditioning opening windows is a very last resort.

What can I do to make my day pass more comfortably.

Coastie

Dear Tulip

I hope you can help.....

I have to spend 12hrs next to Mr Belchy Fart Breath Smelly Feet and am not sure I will be able to survive til the end of the day. I do not have access to oxygen and because of the air conditioning opening windows is a very last resort.

What can I do to make my day pass more comfortably.

Coastie

Hello Coastie dear

Tulip passed this back to me, she mainly deals with problems of a sexual nature..and hard as we tried we could find nothing sexual in you problem.

Well, Mr BFBSF what can we do. The best idea I can come up with is to pop out at lunchtime and purchase lots of tester deodorants, perfumes, scented cream moisterises etc. Come back and ask him to do you a real favour and try them out as they are for your boyfriend (I do realise you havn't got one dear..but thats another agenda) and you want to get the smell reaction from a 'healthy, vibrant male. Slather him in scents and there you have it.

The next day you could bring in a desk top fan and position it facing him - away from you saying you are blowing away the pollen that is managing to escape thru the air conditioning. It's very high at the moment.

I do hope this helps dear and I apologise if it was of a sexual nature, Tulip is usually very clued.

Yours Maeve.
x

Dear Maeve and Tulip,
What're you two hotties going to do once April is over? Feel free to stay on :wink2:

Yours hornily,
PJ

Dear Maeve

I'm having problems getting up in the morning. Even if I go to bed early, I am often oblivious to the radio alarm on the other side of the bedroom set at a high decibel level, and the alarm by my bed that that buzzes until I switch if off, which incidentally, I can do without becoming conscious.

I can't really have the radio alarm on any louder as with the window open, it can be heard in the street. I was thinking of erecting a Heath Robinson contraption that poured a bucket of water over my head if I didn't get up within a few minutes of the first alarm. However, this would mean I'd have to dry the sheets every day, so I'm rapidly going off that idea.

Yours desperately

Nox

Dear Maeve

I'm having problems getting up in the morning. Even if I go to bed early, I am often oblivious to the radio alarm on the other side of the bedroom set at a high decibel level, and the alarm by my bed that that buzzes until I switch if off, which incidentally, I can do without becoming conscious.

I can't really have the radio alarm on any louder as with the window open, it can be heard in the street. I was thinking of erecting a Heath Robinson contraption that poured a bucket of water over my head if I didn't get up within a few minutes of the first alarm. However, this would mean I'd have to dry the sheets every day, so I'm rapidly going off that idea.

Yours desperately

Nox


Hello Nox dear

Oh dear you do have a problem don't you, now what shall we do about it?

Have you got a Tea's Maid? If so you could set this up to come on at the chosen time, take two crocodile clips and attach one to the earth wire in the back of the Tea's Maid and the other to the neutral wire. Then clip each respective end your nipples - neutral to the left and earth to the right.

When the tea starts to brew in the morning you will certainly be woken with a little shock, but once you have removed the clips - DON'T TUG, UNCLIP GENTLY you can recover with a nice cup of tea.

No wet sheets and a wide awake Noxy.

Alternatively you could stop being such a dirty stop out and get to bed earlier.

I hope this helps dear.
Maeve

Dear Maeve and Tulip,
What're you two hotties going to do once April is over? Feel free to stay on :wink2:

Yours hornily,
PJ

Hello PJ dear

What a lovely invitation my dear, it's nice to be shown appreciation and we have certainly enjoyed our time here, though some of the problems have caused us some sleepless nights I can tell you!

However, I'm not sure that we will be available, we may well be on tour in Europe. But if the dates aren't confirmed then we would love to stay on.

Thankyou once again my dear
Maeve and Tulip

PS Did the cream I suggested work for your little problem and have you told Miss PJ?

Help,

I haven't been posting much lately.
Every time I come on the site, my minds a blank, and I find myself staring blankly at the fully populated threads without a word to say for myself :(

Whats wrong with me - Why cant I think of anything to post?

Yours,

LB

Help,

I haven't been posting much lately.
Every time I come on the site, my minds a blank, and I find myself staring blankly at the fully populated threads without a word to say for myself :(

Whats wrong with me - Why cant I think of anything to post?

Yours,

LB

Hello Luggers dear

Cat paged me to answer this urgently as she seemed concerned.

Oh dear what shall we do with you. What I would suggest is don't come on expecting to post ...just read the threads over the last day (or hours in the case of especially busy ones). You have to remember the threads are like conversations and unless you have something relevant to that conversation, don't say anything. A good starter is the Bar in the Coffee lounge..why not offer to buy the drinks and wait and see who replies. Maybe you could even start your own thread..then you can sit back and see who replies.

But please dont' be despondant if not many people reply..you never know whats going to be interesting to others and whats not.

I hope this has helped a little
Maeve

PS....you could always post your photo in the photo gallery so we can all have a good laugh!

Thank you, thank you Maeve.

I found a Teas Maid at the local car boot sale, a bargain at 50p and did exactly what you said.

I can report that you'ved solved my problem with your excellent advice. In fact you've also solved my second problem which I hadn't even mentioned yet! You are indeed a genius.

Yours glowingly

Nox

Dear Girls.

My problem is very simple. - she is called cat and she is very simple. But that is another story. This problem relates to a weekend away I have booked for her. She whinged and whined and whittled about booking flights to meet these people in Dublin, and then bug g er me once I had booked the tickets, she gets all cold feet ish on me.

What am I going to do with her??

Yours (pre menstrually I should warn you) frustrated

Buzz..

Dear Maeve

So what is wrong with leaving the toilet seat up?

Yours splashingly
SF

Dear Girls.

My problem is very simple. - she is called cat and she is very simple. But that is another story. This problem relates to a weekend away I have booked for her. She whinged and whined and whittled about booking flights to meet these people in Dublin, and then bug g er me once I had booked the tickets, she gets all cold feet ish on me.

What am I going to do with her??

Yours (pre menstrually I should warn you) frustrated

Buzz..

Hello Buzz dear

I'm afraid your post has pre menstral tension written all over it my dear. Cat has just informed me that she was having a little joke that usually you would have enjoyed with her, don't worry dear your humour will return in a few days.

I will share with you a good cure for pre menstrual tension I discovered when back packing thru central Africa in the wild days that were the 1960's. I was with a rather charming canadian called Royce and we came across a little known tribe called the Tibitibitibs who's hospitality would shame most people. Whilst there my period was due to start and I was suffering the usual mood swings and cramps. The unusually sensitive women of the tribe noticed my plight and shared their secret with me.

A hole was dug just out side the tribe dwelling, just deep enough for me to fit in up to my neck...I jumped in and they then filled the hole with sand, leaving only my head poking out, they then gently placed a twig in each ear to ward away the spirit of Menstruality - Flowdelishia. They left me there for 3 days and nights...during which time I managed to upset no one and be upset by no one. Remarkable!

Get Mr Buzz to dig a premenstral dwelling in your garden..make sure its in the shade and under shelter tho.

I do hope this helps dear.
Maeve

Dear Maeve

So what is wrong with leaving the toilet seat up?

Yours splashingly
SF


Hello Survivorfan dear

It's a question of politeness dear, you close the fridge door when you have taken something out, you close the cupboard door when you have taken something out.....so why not the toilet seat when you have taken something out?

The worst tho is not actually lifting the seat and just splashing willy nilly, leaving the next poor soul to come in and blindly sit down on a wet seat!!

Just think ahead dear, leave how you would like to find (think on for a number 2).

I hope this helps explain dear
Maeve

PS Are you still in the dog house after your sordid night out on the tiles?

Maeve.

Thanks for the advice......Could you do me a favour and tell Cat that I won't be into work until Thursday of this week please.....

Buzz

picks up shovel and departs to back garden.......if you want a job doing round here, do it yourself....

Dear Tulip

Last night I was cleaning the house in the nude as I often do, and while I was doing the living room (you might say lounge) I tripped over the cat and fell awkwardly, resulting in my 'John Thomas' being sucked into the tube of my Electrolux 'Mondo'. It has now swollen up so much I can't get it out. I am too embarrassed to call my GP. Can you suggest something to help my predicament?

Yours etc
Swollen Member

Oooh swollen member :cry:
you hang in there, I'm sure Tulip will be along soon :unsure:

you could turn it off

Dear Tulip

Last night I was cleaning the house in the nude as I often do, and while I was doing the living room (you might say lounge) I tripped over the cat and fell awkwardly, resulting in my 'John Thomas' being sucked into the tube of my Electrolux 'Mondo'. It has now swollen up so much I can't get it out. I am too embarrassed to call my GP. Can you suggest something to help my predicament?

Yours etc
Swollen Member

So it was an accident then. Of course it was.

Looks like Tulip is leaving him to his own (household) devices... :laugh:

***Sorry for any inconvenience, Tulip and Maeve have been on a short break, they will be back tonight***

Dear Tulip

Last night I was cleaning the house in the nude as I often do, and while I was doing the living room (you might say lounge) I tripped over the cat and fell awkwardly, resulting in my 'John Thomas' being sucked into the tube of my Electrolux 'Mondo'. It has now swollen up so much I can't get it out. I am too embarrassed to call my GP. Can you suggest something to help my predicament?

Yours etc
Swollen Member

Oh my Survivorfan

I am so sorry you have had to wait so long for my reply, I'm afraid due to the lack of problems presented myself and Maeve have been for a short trip around the Lake District.

Well I certainly hope you are circumcised, otherwise we are now looking and one inside out Survivorfan!

I'm afraid I don't believe for one moment that this was an accident..you would not believe how many times I have to deal with the same problem masked in some lame excuse. Be honest dear, we are all friends...lets face it..nothing could be worse than the Sooty scenario.

So what is your problem...that you like making love with hoovers or you have no friends.

Please speak honestly to me dear.
Tulip

So what is your problem...that you like making love with hoovers or you have no friends.

Please speak honestly to me dear.
Tulip

Well both really Tulip but my main problem is my todger is still stuck - it's gone all swollen and won't come down. I've taken the tube off the hoover and have it wedged down my trousers but I keep getting funny looks in Somerfields. I am too embarrassed to go to A&E in case they don't believe my story - like last year when I accidentally sat on a gherkin and it went up my bottom.

What can I do?

http://photobucket.com/albums/v209/floopnoodle/th_ugly.jpg (http://photobucket.com/albums/v209/floopnoodle/?action=view&current=ugly.jpg)

Place the hose in the freezer and Keep looking at this SF until the swelling goes down

Dear old birds



This young boy (about 21) keeps hugging me and trying to kiss me when he is drunk

Now I know he is not gay because he has a girlfriend
he know I am married he has met floopy

And I have tried saying “will you stop doing that I don’t like it”

And his friends have tried to tell him saying things like “stop it what are gay or something” but he just won't listen

He is a nice kid and I know it’s because he thinks I am great and he wants to be a D J and he looks up to me and I know he can't have had much of a home life as he is one of nine children and I know that I am a bit of a mentor for him

But to tell you the truth if he doesn’t stop trying to kiss me I am going to have to knock him out

I have warned him twice now and I think he thinks I am joking

But seriously I don’t want to hurt him he is only a kid what can I do

Well both really Tulip but my main problem is my todger is still stuck - it's gone all swollen and won't come down. I've taken the tube off the hoover and have it wedged down my trousers but I keep getting funny looks in Somerfields. I am too embarrassed to go to A&E in case they don't believe my story - like last year when I accidentally sat on a gherkin and it went up my bottom.

What can I do?

Hello Survivorfan dear

What are we to do with eh? Right I think we need some drastic action here.
Firstly you need to take some olive oil and dribble some around the stem of your John Thomas, rubbing the oil in and trying to work it down the inside of the tube..don't do this like you would privately..we dont' want any increase in size do we now...do it and think of something sexless, like pea's for example. Then tip a good amount of oil down the tube - does your John Thomas poke out the other end or is it encased down the tube? We will presume its encased...so tip the oil down and hold the tube up so dosn't come out. Then slowly start to try and turn the tube, working the oil back down the sides of JT. Hopefully after a while this will release the old boy.

Once out I would wrap the old boy in a cold flannel to stem any further swelling.

I hope this helps dear.
Tulip.

Dear old birds



This young boy (about 21) keeps hugging me and trying to kiss me when he is drunk

Now I know he is not gay because he has a girlfriend
he know I am married he has met floopy

And I have tried saying “will you stop doing that I don’t like it”

And his friends have tried to tell him saying things like “stop it what are gay or something” but he just won't listen

He is a nice kid and I know it’s because he thinks I am great and he wants to be a D J and he looks up to me and I know he can't have had much of a home life as he is one of nine children and I know that I am a bit of a mentor for him

But to tell you the truth if he doesn’t stop trying to kiss me I am going to have to knock him out

I have warned him twice now and I think he thinks I am joking

But seriously I don’t want to hurt him he is only a kid what can I do


Hello Cockney dear

Firstly he is not a kid, he is 21 and old enough to know what he is doing.

I think you have tried all the subtle approaches so the direct approach is needed. The next time he tries to kiss you, you are going to have to ask him why he does this, don't be angry just calmy ask him.

Sorry I can't solve this for you dear, you are going to have to do the work yourself.

Hope this helps Cockney dear
Maeve.

PS Cat says she can't blame him really. :wink_kiss

Cockney, I think you should give him tongues next time and see how he reacts.

Dear Queens of Problems

What do you do when you exhust your rhubarb supply?

Coastie

Dear Queens of Problems

What do you do when you exhust your rhubarb supply?

Coastie


Hello Coastie dear

I do apologise but I am a little perplexed as to what you mean exactly. When you exhust...do you mean exhume your rhubarb supply, or exhort your rhubarb supply or even exhaust your rhubarb supply?

Could you be more clear my dear.

Tulip

I mean exhaust....I said that before but obviously didn't hit the 'A' key hard enough! :pooh:

Dear Queens of Problems

What do you do when you exhust your rhubarb supply?

Coastie

Hello Coastie dear

I'm not sure dear, what do you do when you exhaust your rhubarb supply.

Tulip.

Resort to bananas? :mellow:

Dear Maeve

I want to make a new fashion statement on the streets of Haslemere, something a little out of the ordinary.

I want to stand out in a crowd but without looking too silly.

I've narrowed it down to either a turban or an armpit stirrup.

Which do you think, turban or stirrup? Or is there anything else you can suggest.

PLease hurry, I want to go out but I don't know what to wear.

Dear Maeve

I want to make a new fashion statement on the streets of Haslemere, something a little out of the ordinary.

I want to stand out in a crowd but without looking too silly.

I've narrowed it down to either a turban or an armpit stirrup.

Which do you think, turban or stirrup? Or is there anything else you can suggest.


Hello Survivorfan dear

I do apologise about the delay, but I have been having a problem with Tulip.

However, how can I help? You would like to stand out in a crowd..hhmmmmm. I don't really suggest a turban and certainly not a sling as this will attract false sympathy - false pretences on your part.

Now what I do suggest to improve your image is some hair, Cat said when she tried to run her hand threw your hair, her hand just whoooshed straight over your head. So how about a big head of hair ....like this...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v286/Caty65/70sguy.bmp

What an improvement! Whilst you are at it, ditch the pastel shades and cashmere and go for sultry dark sexual shades in velvets and satins.

This will certainly make you stand out in a crowd my dear and a WOW with the ladies.

I hope this helps dear
Maeve

Thanks Maeve, it's a good idea but the hairpiece you've recommended is a bit 'young' looking and probably quite pricy.

I spotted this one on ebay, a bargain at £5.99

Do you think it would work or should I stick with your recommendation?

http://i16.ebayimg.com/01/i/03/57/4d/a6_1_b.JPG

Thanks Maeve, it's a good idea but the hairpiece you've recommended is a bit 'young' looking and probably quite pricy.

I spotted this one on ebay, a bargain at £5.99

Do you think it would work or should I stick with your recommendation?

http://i16.ebayimg.com/01/i/03/57/4d/a6_1_b.JPG

Hello SF dear

It's not really very becoming is it, but you are right it is probably more suited to your age. I would advise that you stick with this one at home and wear the other one when you are out to attract the ladies.

Then, my dear, you will have the best of both worlds!

Good luck dear.
Maeve.