This is really odd, and I am in a bit of a quandry about the whole episode.

We were invited out to lunch by my bro in law to celebrate his wife's birthday. So we accepted, and met up everyone - there were in total 22 of us. We all sat down at this lovely, but very expensive restaurant, and as we [Mr F and I] are completely skint, we had earlier agreed to get 2 of the cheapest pizzas and half them with our two boys. This we did.

As we had only ordered 2 meals we only got two plates - so I had to ask for two further plates. My bro in law [who had invited us] and who I was sat next to, my sis in law, both asked why we had only ordered the cheapest pizza [completely out of the ordinary for us]. So I explained we were skint and we were cutting costs by sharing the pizzas with the kids. And that was that. Everyone else including the babies [3 of them] all had starters, and fabby main courses, wine, beer, juice. etc. [we four stuck with water] Then came the end of the meal and the afternoon - I went to give my bro in law our share of the bill [which is perfectly normal when the family go out] - and he said - 'Oh no it is OK I have taken care of the bill!'

Well to say I was gobsmacked was an understatement.

Do you think this is fair?? Of course it is fair - it is up to him to do as he pleases with his money and for his wife's birthday - but to sit and witness his brother, his wife and two children scrabbling around with 2 measly pizzas - whilst others were dining on Salad Nicoise, Fillet steaks, mussels, and the like.

I just found the whole experience a bit odd - I could never have done that, I would have explained before hand that I was paying the bill and to order what you liked [within reason].

Do you think I am being a bit touchy on this subject?? And do you think Mr F should say something? I said no - don't bother as it would spoil his wife's birthday, and he did pay for our 2 pizzas!!!

Flip, maybe he only paid for your meals because he'd picked up on you saying you were skint, and put it that way to save you embarrassment.

I'd go with that anyway as it ain't worth falling out over a lunch:)

Fee may be right, but I would feel the same was as you.

It's not worth falling out over, but just file it for future reference...........

Flip, maybe he only paid for your meals because he'd picked up on you saying you were skint, and put it that way to save you embarrassment.

I'd go with that anyway as it ain't worth falling out over a lunch:)

I know Fee I did immediately think of that - but I asked around and no he had paid for all - he also had an evening bash, where everything was paid for drinks, meals etc.

And you are right - I am not going to fall out over it - but it does leave a slightly sour taste in my mouth.

We if he intended to pay for everything, surely when you said you didn't have much money he'd have said then that he was paying, wouldn't everyone? It does seem very strange that he didn't. It does seem a bit mean because he obviously knew why you were having what you were having and knew that by paying himself you could have had more.

They were my thoughts exactly when I read thru..that he was trying to be kind.

But what usually happens? When you are all flush is it a gormet gobble and split the bill at the end - what ever. Or do you tend to pay for your own.

Just read new posts above..and your reply...and have changed mind.

Yes I would be miffed and it would leave a bad taste, but would say nothing.

It might be that he hadn't intended to pay the bill at the outset Flip. I have gone out with people, had a few glasses of wine and then come all over generous...it could be as simple as that.

And the fact is, when you thought YOU were paying for the pizza you were perfectly happy to eat it - so why feel aggrieved now? Because you didn't spend more of somebody else's money?

I would put it to one side and think about something else I think. :wink2:

I've got to agree with Ceri (which scares me)


I think it was a lovely gesture on his part. Gift horses and mouths etc.

Maybe he didn't mention that he was paying in case some of his guests took advantage of his generous offer. I would give him the benefit of the doubt Flip - there can't be that many people who would be generous enough (or rich enough) to cough up for 22 meals whether it was pizzas or caviar.

I can well understand your pique Flip! And I would be muttering about it forever more too! But would I actually say anything? Nope!

I really do think he could have just gently said after you saying that you were skint and that's why you were being frugal that he was paying and he'd be offended if you didn't at least have a proper drink. But maybe he was embarassed to make a fuss over it ... I dont' know him ... does this sound likely?

I know if it had been the other way round you probably would have told him you were paying there and then and that he should enjoy himself!

btw - hats off to all the Flippies for being so resolute in not spending money ... I'd have caved in, especially if everyone else was having a drink!

I wouldn't dwell on it, Flip.
But it is a bit strange that he didn't mention that he was paying for it, especially after you had said why you ordered the pizza.

I understand why you'd feel strange especially at the fact that they didn't tell you, but it's a difficult situation.

The only reasons I can come up with as to why they didn't tell you are

1. they didn't intend to pay innitially
2. They enjoyed watching you suffer
3. They resented having to pay so decided to keep quiet?

You have to be appreciative as they paid in the end.

I don't know if I could sit there and watch everybody eating the works whilst we had 2 pizza's!! lol... we always say we're not going to spend much and end up having the works so well done for the self discipline. :angel_not

I have to admit that i would feel a little put out by this. I wonder if everyone else knew he was paying, and he omitted to tell you ? I know when i have paid for things in the past i have always mentioned it before the event, so people who perhaps wouldnt attend through lack of money WOULD come. I think i also like that feeling you get ..... when your being generous, it gives me a buzz knowing that im treating people.

I too wish to pass on my congrats for not caving in. I would of done .... especially when it came to the vino.

edit ^^^ I posted at the same tiome as Bons and have repeated some of what Bons said - sorry Bons ^^^^


I tried imagining myself in the same situation, but as I don't have a brother-in-law it was a bit difficult!

What does surprise me is why your b-in-l didn't tell you in advance that he would be paying. Did he tell everyone else in advance that he was paying, do you know?

I suppose you have to put this in the context of what your relationship with your b-in-l is like. Do you get on? Did he act unexpectedly in this case? Or was it par for the course? presumably he knows you are strapped for cash right now - if so he might not have wanted to flaunt his dosh and give out the message that he can afford it but you can't. It all depends on what he is like as a person and what your relationship with him and his wife is like, I think.

Fill us in a bit more.

Well I have been having a little think about this, and a little chat with a Voice of Reason [sooo aptly named].

And the best and most satisfactory solution I have come up with is that, he did not know what we had ordered until the food actually came, and therefore, whether or not he had the intention of paying there and then - it would have been too late to order more food, and/or he did not want to draw attention to the fact that we are skint.

And sf, the relationship has always been super, all Mr F and his brothers are good mates, and likewise all the wives are equally good mates - not desperately [emotionally] close, but close enough to spend many many days and nights together with tons of fun and laughter.

I think that this one - was not fully aware [and probably still not] of our circumstances at the moment - so I am happy to leave it at that. Knowing this b-i-l I know there was no malice involved - just thoughtlessness [but that is northern men for you??].

Thank you all for your input into this - I was peeved, but with thought and advice from everyone - I am now content with the outcome. Cheers you lot!

Flip, I didn't know what to think when I read your account last night, other than wondering about the nature of your relationship with the b-i-l, along the same lines of thought as SF.

I'm glad you're peaceful about it now, and I hope and pray your finances take a turn for the better soon. (We're in the same boat. Leaky, init? :hug: )

thoughtlessness [but that is northern men for you??].We're not ALL that bad...

Flippy - I think if he is not fully aware of your situation, then I guess when he was told you were skint that is when he decided to pay for you, which was then to late to change the order without causing you and your hubby embarrassment. And then to save you further embarrassment he decided to pay for everyone else too. You said in your first post it is perfectly normal for each family to pay their own bill, so I don't suppose he went with the intention to pay for everyone but when he found out your situation he thought that would be the best way. So I don't think he was being thoughtless at all, but very thoughtful. It seems to me a very lovely gesture on his part.

If I was in your shoes, I personally would have turned down the invitation to go at all, if I knew that it was being held at a expensive restaurant that I couldn't afford to at least have a meal & a soft drink each for me and my children. But then again that's just me!

We're not ALL that bad...

ooooo I knew I would upset someone - sorry Blinkus - no of course not all, just some of the men in my family it seems.

We couldn't turn it down ils - it was my sis in laws 40th, and as I mentioned above we are a close family. And we could afford some pizzas - just not the a la carte. Hey ho - it is all sorted now though.

I think if it was me I would have told you that I was paying before you ordered

And said as a joke so don’t go mad I am not made of money you know



He may have been embarrassed to tell you that he was paying after he found out you where skint



Or he may have decided to pay for you as you where skint

You don’t know so best to give him the benefit of the doubt



Anyway you are lucky flip

My family usually eat and drink half the menu and then my brother always says

Don’t worry him me and my brother in law will pay for everyone



Which is why I avoid going out to dinner with him like the plague as the bill often comes to £500

Glad you got it sorted Flip - I waivered between thinking "rotten ***" and "there must have been an explanation" so a didn't comment. lol.

VoR seems to have hit the nail on the head and that probably was the explanation. Glad you can relax about it now. These things can niggle away at ya can't they.

Glad you got it sorted Flip - I waivered between thinking "rotten ***" and "there must have been an explanation" so a didn't comment. lol.

VoR seems to have hit the nail on the head and that probably was the explanation. Glad you can relax about it now. These things can niggle away at ya can't they.

Thanks Crit and everyone for your thoughts on this. Bringing things like this to the fore is not really in my nature, and I shan't dwell on it or even consider it anymore - but life has been absolute misery for us Flips lately [well 4 years] for one major reason or another.

Today however, a spark that would light the houses of Parliament shone into our dark lives today and it puts things into perspective.

Thanks guys - sorry to bring my worries to you.

life has been absolute misery for us Flips lately [well 4 years] for one major reason or another.

Today however, a spark that would light the houses of Parliament shone into our dark lives today and it puts things into perspective.

Thanks guys - sorry to bring my worries to you.

The spark flippy loo....what is the spark please.

The spark flippy loo....what is the spark please.

Yes what is it?
I want one :wink_kiss