So, today I've been emptying all the bins in the house and came across, torn up in shreds, a 'temporary' contact diary for my daughter. Naturally my curiosity got the better of me so I pieced it together.

At lease twice she's had detentions she hasn't told us about and she's even forged my signature! And these detentions weren't for forgetting a book - they were for being rude and disruptive. We have a rule in our house that for each detention they aren't allowed to use the computer for 2 days, which, bearing in mind is where my daughter spends all of her evenings on MSN, is pretty hard for her to bear. After 3 detentions they're grounded for the following weekend.

So, as you can imagine, I'm really angry about her deceit, not least the forging of my signature.

Now, it's the start of the Easter holidays and I really don't want to spoil it for her so I've got a bit of a dilemma.

Do I let her know I know but keep it to myself and not involve her dad, who is less soft than me?

Do I tell him and let her suffer the consequences?

Do I tell him first so that we can work the punishment out together before she even knows we know?

Do I not even mention it and let her think she's got away with it?

Of course I hold myself partly responsible as I rarely ask to see her contact diary.

At the start of the year we said that if our children didn't get any detentions for the whole year we'd give them £50, but for each one they got they would lose £5. They were both down to nil by the end of the first term, which is when we brought in the stick having failed with the carrot.

Kids, eh??:ranting:

Hello Maxine,

In our day you would have been sent to your room, forced to stay in. With no television and the room was probably freezing cold, topping that you missed your supper and your friends would not be allowed in to see you.

Worse than that was the threat or act of physical disciplin,which in my case came from my mother. Today this would not be tolerated, in fact my mother would have found herself on a child abuse register for the style of beatings marks and cuts left by her handy work. I was thrashed with a wire washing line or bunch of sturdy branches. Where ever my mother managed to catch me, butt, legs and back. Even my mothers temper was to be feared especially is she lost it in the street, which would result in having your ears pulled practically off, or a sudden smack across the face. I often put it down to her latin temperament. The last time I was 13 and decided to put her on her back. I wasn't proud of this but I'd endured more than enough. There was to much bullying at school to put up with it at home aswell, was not on.

It's no wonder, Why I was a daddy's girl.

How times have changed, you probably have central heating, a television in the bedroom, CD player and a few other mod cons to add to the spec. With so much in place disciplin or punishment must be a very difficult issue. The computer maybe the wrong one to stop, homewrk could pose a problem here. But being asked to do the housework must be a reasonable one, the dishes cleaning the kitchen the bathroom etc. My cousins daughter used to drive her to despair as she was so untidy and left all her dirty plates cups in her room and throughout the house. Now she has to do this all for herself and very little has changed. So Maxine this is where I'd start if I were you.

Maureen
Norhern angel.

max, how did you not know she had detention? Or was it lunchtime detention?

max, how did you not know she had detention? Or was it lunchtime detention?

I work 9 to 5 PJ so she still gets home before me.

Thanks Maureen. I had been considering paying her to do some stuff around the house before I found out this so maybe that's somehting to consider.

Yeah the idea of giving her chores instead of the computer grounding seems a good idea.

On the other hand, if you confront her then she'll know you go thru' the bins, so next time round she'll be a damn sight cleverer in disposing of the evidence. Perhaps you'd be better off keeping quiet in case she tries to hide something really serious ;)

(BTW I don't think that forging signatures and failing to mantion detentions really counts as delinquency :laugh: Not to be condoned, but pretty surely?)

(BTW I don't think that forging signatures and failing to mantion detentions really counts as delinquency :laugh: Not to be condoned, but pretty surely?)

Are you laughing at me, sonny?

Ok, maybe delinquent is too strong a word. But very, very naughty. Wait till your kids grow up a bit and see who's laughing then.

I work 9 to 5 PJ so she still gets home before me.
Ah, I see.

I would probably confront her first without telling your husband - that way, you'll get some brownie points.
Just be calm with her and ask her why she was disruptive in class and why she felt the need to hide the fact that she had detention. Then I would try and make her see that she deserves some sort of punishment. But don't shout at her as this will more than likely rile her up (I know it did with me!)
Are you guys usually able to talk about things together?

Are you guys usually able to talk about things together?

Well, she certainly talks to me more than her dad. The thing is, if I tell her I know, but don't tell him then I'm in on the deceit. I dunno, maybe I should just keep schtum and bring it up when she really annoys me.:devil:

Wait till your kids grow up a bit and see who's laughing then.
Naah. MY kids will be perfect little angels when they're teenagers





















:phone1:
:wine:
:nono:
:argue:


:(

Do I let her know I know but keep it to myself and not involve her dad, who is less soft than me?

This is probably the course I would take, Max, but obviously it has to be what is best for your family. She's not quite at delinquent stage yet, but best to nip these things in the bud, eh?

I find that if I have something over on my oldest and he starts kicking off about something or moaning that he doesn't want to do something, I just have to remind him quietly and gently that "I know something that Dad doesn't" and it works a treat.

Of course, it depends upon the severity of the act and deception/lying is close to murder in our house. Very often, though, if I have found out something it is easier for everyone if I sort it out myself because 9 times out of 10 my husband will go over the top and wind everyone up.

Very often, though, if I have found out something it is easier for everyone if I sort it out myself because 9 times out of 10 my husband will go over the top and wind everyone up.

Ditto. Men, eh?

Here....try these....she won't do it again!






:gunsmilie:

..........:unsure:

Max I'm going to disagree here and say that I think you and your husband should be united in this. IMO one of the worst things a parent can do is hide things from their spouse for fear of upsetting the little ones. This way they learn to play you one against another. Also, you have set consequences for these actions. Your daughter knew it and doesn't like it. That means it's the right consequences. (Dr Phil's words not mine :unsure: ) But I do agree with him.

So, today I've been emptying all the bins in the house and came across, torn up in shreds, a 'temporary' contact diary for my daughter. Naturally my curiosity got the better of me so I pieced it together.

At lease twice she's had detentions she hasn't told us about and she's even forged my signature! And these detentions weren't for forgetting a book - they were for being rude and disruptive.

I'm very disappointed in her, personally Maxine! Disappointed and surprised. I think you need to involve Mr M cos I happen to think those things I've highlighted are more than minor mistermeanors. Being rude and disrputive in the classroom is obviously scoring her points with her mates and forging your signature is just plain dishonest. Gosh I'm cross! I shall back out of the discussion now before I start losing "Aunty points" or even worse "Sister points"!!!

I would confiscate her make up for a week!

I would also go up the school and tell them you want direct notification from them when she has a detention ... a quick email should be enough.

(BTW I don't think that forging signatures and failing to mantion detentions really counts as delinquency :laugh: Not to be condoned, but pretty surely?)

but it's what the detentions were for that is important, imo. Being rude and disruptive isn't big and it's not clever we all know it's the start of the slippery slope into heroin addiction!!

So much for backing out of the discussion, Dol. And what makes you think you've got any auntie or sister points?

Mr M has arrived home and does not apear to be in the best of moods. I'm being a bit selfish really cos I know if I tell him it will ruin dinner, the evening and quite possibly the weekend which is why I'm reluctant.

So much for backing out of the discussion, Dol. And what makes you think you've got any auntie or sister points?




I knew I should have stayed out of it!

Max why don't you try a wee white lie and make out you've had contact from the school. Or try the line is there anything you want to tell me?
A work colleague of mine is having a dreadful time with a disruptive teenager and now has most of her lunch and break times disrupted my having to come to the phone and talk to the school. But her daughter is a deliquent.
Best to nip it in the bud and if I were you I'd tell your hubby and both sit down with her. Tell her you don't want to spoil her easter hols but that she now has to earn your respect back.
Household chores are good plus confiscating of fav clothes and makeup if no joy.
Goodluck!

Thanks Bob.

I think I probably will end up telling him but it's just a question of timing.

You know your own family best Maxine. It's a difficult call re Mr M - all I can contribute is that when I was growing up, my father used to do the discipline thing, because if my mother had got involved it would have escalated into WW3, and lasted for weeks :wacko:

He was great at it though - always spoke to us as adults and took the approach that mistakes can be undone, but cover-ups just get bigger and bigger.

I once (age 14) got into a real barney at school that ended up with me up-ending a jug of very dirty paint-water over our diminutive art teacher. (I still reckon it was worth it :w00t: )

Living in a small town, my father knew about it before I got home. I said nothing; he said nothing. Then I found a note in my bedroom giving me an hour to decide to raise it with him as an adult, or wait until he treated me as the '******* half-wit foundling' (you knew it was serious when he used that one!) and left it to my mother to deal with.

Would it work if you left the book for you daughter to find, and asked her to explain before you lost your temper?

I know i dont have kids, so maybe its hard for me to judge - but i was a kid myself once.

Like Tiggs said i think you should have a united front and face her together. It might make things a little uncomfy in the Maxine house - but i think its best to be 100% honest with your husband.

Maybe speak to him first when your daughters in bed and ask him to go easy - or to try not to drag the arguement through the whole of the weekend. Then he will have an evening to sleep on it, and wake up calmer and ready to tackle the subject fresh in the morning.

Thanks Bob.

I think I probably will end up telling him but it's just a question of timing.

That is the keyword, if you choose to tell him. As I have said before, it has to be what is right for the family and people react in different ways. My husband over-reacts at everything, so I keep the less urgent stuff from him sometimes. I do deal with the other stuff, though. I don't let them get away with anything I feel is important. I'm am quite strict (some may say too strict), but because I don't fly off the handle at the slightest thing, they know when I mean business.

Of course, if such problems are likely to be brought up at parents' evening, then it's best to be up front - when the time is right.

Max, how old is your daughter?

I would let Mr M know, either way your weekend is going to be disrupted as if you don't tell him it's going to be hanging over where if you do tell him, you can both get it sorted. It may not be pretty at the begining but at least you let your daughter know where she stands with regards her not telling you about the detention and forging your signature.

Would it even help to have a wee quiet word with her teacher or is she at high school where she has several teachers, if that is the case then maybe a word with her house/register teacher?

You're having a tough time aren't you but who said kids were easy!

I hope you get it all sorted, Max.

who said kids were easy!

Noone - thats why i went for cats and dogs !!

Firstly I would tell said child how stupid they were to dispose of such incriminating things so flipantly and advise how to do so properly. Then would say had found and read evidence and talk it through.

I'm not one for pussy footing round and giving 'kindly' ' good for the soul' punishments. I punish. I hit where it hurts. Pocket money and chores. Oh yes. I don't see the point in grounding because they just get on your nerves staying around - make them work I say.

And I agree with Tigger don't go against partner that dosnt' bode well.

I still think my idea is the best:naughty:

Just thought I'd update you all as you were kind enough to offer your opinions.

I decided to wait till after dinner and then told Mr M first. DD (delinquent daughter) was then summoned. The upshot is that we grounded her this weekend and when she goes back to school she won't be allowed on MSN for a week and is grounded for another weekend. Believe me, not being allowed on MSN will be pure torture for her.

Tears were shed.:cry:

Just thought I'd update you all as you were kind enough to offer your opinions.

I decided to wait till after dinner and then told Mr M first. DD (delinquent daughter) was then summoned. The upshot is that we grounded her this weekend and when she goes back to school she won't be allowed on MSN for a week and is grounded for another weekend. Believe me, not being allowed on MSN will be pure torture for her.

Tears were shed.:cry:

well done Max!

at least now she knows that you're not daft and that you are aware of her every move! did you let her know how you found out? or have you kept that mysterious? let her think that you know EVERYTHING!!!

They were presented to her from under a cushion, after she had denied any wrong doing. Exhibit A was the homework diary, exhibit B the torn temporary one. Busted.

She told us that 'rude and disruptive' means talking to her friends when the teacher's talking.

They were presented to her from under a cushion, after she had denied any wrong doing. Exhibit A was the homework diary, exhibit B the torn temporary one. Busted.


Loving your style Maxine :pimp:

Did you and Mr M do a good cop/nasty cop routine? :laugh:

Did you and Mr M do a good cop/nasty cop routine? :laugh:

That was later.:naughty:

Ah. Much wielding of truncheons.

Sounds like a good result all round :thumbsup:

Glad everything worked out max. I've got the 2 boys 16-1/2 and the other just 8. Well, last year in 1st grade, he kept getting 'sad faces' on his folder he brought home each day. We had to intial it and send it back. I asked him what was going on, what was he doing, etc. His 'story' was that his teacher and the aide were 'mistakenly' writing on his folder that he got in trouble. They really had meant to put it on someone else's folder but 'accidently' put it on his. So I jot off a note to the teacher (a really nice and lovely woman) and asked her what was going on and could I do something to re-inforce things as home etc. Well, in comes msboy #2 with a dreaded 'sad face' yet again and as he's standing there telling hubby he was yet again 'framed' for someone else's misdeeds, I start reading aloud the reply from his teacher that said he did this, this, this, and that, and she had warned him and even took recess away several times over the period this went on (about 2 weeks) and he was still misbehaving. Confronted with the evidence he 'fessed up and was punished for 2 weeks for 1)lying (akin to murder in our house), 2)acting up at school, 3)causing the teacher and class the disruption, 4)and for not being 'big enough' to just admit he'd been disruptive. We are very close to our children and would rather hear from them they are having issues than the teacher. So, needless to say, this year he's admited all of his 'crimes and misdemeanors' before I've ever had to hear from the teacher!!:kid:

Max - I have just read this, and for what it is worth I would have told hubby, IMO he is jointly responsible for naughty child, I don't want to take all the credit you know [note the unselfish nature].

I would have also contacted the school to find out why and how and who and where and when and wherever - its the cop in me, and I would have been far stricter than you, you are a pussy cat and can be my Mum anyday:applause:

Jack recently had detention, the first and last I hasten to add, but as we live sooo far away from school they have to give prior warning so we can pick him up [as he would miss the bus]. He was grounded for a week, no pocket money, no msn and a kak time at home [ie emptying the dishwasher twice a day, feeding the dogs, chickens and doves], cleaning his room and anything else I could think of.

Jack recently had detention, the first and last I hasten to add.

I admire your optimism Flip! Or was it on his last day?! :kid:

I admire your optimism Flip! Or was it on his last day?! :kid:

Dolores!! You guessed my middle name!! :applause:

Yup - it is his last, the one and only time he will ever be in it, and it lasted 2 hours [after school] - I am uber confident on that one - he would not dare, ever in a million years to ever go near a situation that requires detention, I is his Mommy afterall!:pimp:

[it was for talking excessively - so not a huge misdemeanour when his role model never shuts up!!]

As regards contacting the school - it did cross our minds but thought they might think we were useless parents for not regularly checking her homework book!:blush:

Anyway, I've got bigger fish to fry now.

Anyway, I've got bigger fish to fry now.

oh no! is this going to ruin my Easter Saturday visit?

oh no! is this going to ruin my Easter Saturday visit?
Maybe this was what she was talking about!