Some of you may remember that in pril we had to move MIL in to a nursing home. The last few weeks she has been going downhill refusing to eat and drink. She has lost a lot of weight and it breaks my heart to see her like it, I keep trying to encourage her to eat but she barely responds to me now.

I am not sure if she is shutting herself down as it were as she is 91 and maybe has had enough.

They put her on a stronger heart tablet a few weeks ago and I am wondering if this has had some adverse effect on her. I have asked them to get the doctor out to her but my question is this. Do I insist on them doing a battery of tests on her and putting her on a drip for nourishment or let nature take its inevitable course.

I don't want to try and prolong her life if that is not what she wants but i don't know if its the medication that has made her like this.

Hi Mazwad

What a horrible situation for you, both one of my granddads and my nans died in similar circumstances. It was like they just gave up and faded away, neither would really eat or do anything and they both just seemed so unhappy. I think maybe for some people there comes a time when they just want to move on.

That said, I think you have to try everything just in case it is the medication that's causing this, and also for your own peace of mind. If your MIL wants to go she will anyway and at least you won't look back and wish you had done something differently.

I hope it is the medication and that it is all resolved happily, I can imagine how heartbreaking it is.

Hi Maz - my grandmother slipped away after being in a nursing home for only a week. I don't know if it was the place that made her give up, or whether it was the fact that we only moved her in there when she was so close to death that we couldn't deal with her illness any more.

Do whatever you have to do for your own peace of mind. If you feel she needs more tests done, then badger the staff until they do it, or get a professional opinion from one of the doctors. If it were me, and I did nothing, I might end up feeling guilty that I hadn't, even if the tests don't help anything, at least you'll have done your best by her.

Unless, of course, the tests are invasive or painful, in which case you might feel it better to let nature take its course.

Nothing to add, but I agree with what the others have said.

Hope you get something resolved soon.

Thanks for you replies and I think we will ask them to stop the new heart pills in case it is that and see what happens then.

She seemed happy in the home when she could talk to me so I hope it wasn't the move from her own home to there that is making her give up.

Its the not knowing what she would want that is upsetting me, if she is trying to let go I don't want to go against it.

Had you ever spoken about what might happen with her? Or is there any way she could come home for a weekend of a few days, to see if it perks her up?

Not really the subject never came up. She was in hospital before the move to the home and said at thattime she wanted to go into a home so se could get care 24 hours a day as she was frightened to be at home anymore after the second stroke.

When she was still talking we wanted to take her out for a walk in the wheelchair but she never wanted to go. She is doubly incontinent and needs two people and a contraption to move her from chair into wheelchair so bringing her home for a weekend is not really an option.

Blimey Maz, this is an awful situation. Mr B grandma went much the same way, it is a very hard situation for the family. I know you always did the lions share of the care for her but do the other members of the family have any ideas?

Hope you get some help and advice from the staff and Dr's.

xx

I think you're doing the right thing asking for the medication to be stopped. She may get back to where she was before, and if she doesn't, well, it can't be any worse than her current situation. It's all about quality of life at this stage, so there's not much point in taking medication to help her heart if she's not got any of the former.

It is such a difficult situation though Maz, I went through it with my mother (who was much younger, but had Motor Neurone). You can only do what you think and feel is right, and never ever allow yourself to feel guilty for acting out of love and good intentions.

Mr M's brother and his wife are coming down tomorrow to see her and are coming to tea with us after as they are the only other ones who give a toss, her daughters visit rarely and don't even bother to phone to see how she is.

I phoned them both last night to let them know the situation and one said the last time she visited her husband said he thought she would only last a few months, she also informed me that her daughter was going to visit but has changed her mind as she can't cope with being around people with serious illness.

The other daughter lives in Wales and said she would try and get down in the next couple of weeks or so. The last time they came they boasted that it had only taken 3 hours to get here so its not as if they couldn't come if they really wanted to.

Thanks Fee i know its quite a personal thing to discuss on a forum but it does help as I know others may have experienced similar situations and knowing how they coped is helpful.

Nothing really to add Maz, but my heart goes out to you. Its tough seeing a loved one go before your very eyes.

My thoughts are with you.

With my MIL it got to the stage were she had to go into a home as she needed 24hr supervision but the moment she got in there she just seemed to give up on life. As she was only in her 70`s it was heartbreaking but I think some people just know when their time is nearing an end and don`t fight it.

I agree with Seeb. Moving away slightly from Maz's MiL, but to the elderly in general - elderly people aren't stupid, everyone knows what nursing homes are for, young and old alike, and if you're old and sick and your family, the people who love you most, decide that you need the care that a nursing home can give, I would imagine that you'd probably realise that you're nearing the end of your life.

You'd realise that people don't tend to stay in nursing homes for a while then go home. In the vast majority of cases you're going to die there, so it's not a surprise to me thet so many elderly people die so soon after being admitted.

Some of you may remember that in pril we had to move MIL in to a nursing home. The last few weeks she has been going downhill refusing to eat and drink. She has lost a lot of weight and it breaks my heart to see her like it, I keep trying to encourage her to eat but she barely responds to me now.

I am not sure if she is shutting herself down as it were as she is 91 and maybe has had enough.

They put her on a stronger heart tablet a few weeks ago and I am wondering if this has had some adverse effect on her. I have asked them to get the doctor out to her but my question is this. Do I insist on them doing a battery of tests on her and putting her on a drip for nourishment or let nature take its inevitable course.

I don't want to try and prolong her life if that is not what she wants but i don't know if its the medication that has made her like this.

Hello Mazwad,

Since returning from Ireland the first person I went to see, was the 96 year old family member I have in a nursing home. In fact I took her out yesterday on the bus in to town. Where we went on an
immediate spend spree for two new blouses and a meal in her favourite store cafeteria/restaurant.

She was very happy to see me and complaining that she was getting fat, but felt lonely as no one was willing to go on a diet with her. She told me I was incorrigible fearing she'd never lose the extra weight with a great big fruit cake laced with Guinness, I'd given her.

Mona is very different today, to the Mona that went in the nursing home 20 months ago. Then she was very frail and many a phone call had come through from the hospital telling family members this was it. But in the space of ten weeks Mona pulled round and began the slow process of recovery.

All of us had to stay positive during this most telling of times, and somehow I think we managed. You never know Mazwad this is all it could take. The reassurance that she is loved by all and will be cared for.
She could also be worried about you and the family, aswell as her own home and what is happening to it in her abscence. She needs to feel comfortable and warm and that all around her truly care and that she is safe.

I hope things improve soon. God bless you both.

Maureen
Northern angel.

Unfortunately she is fast going downhill. They weighed her today during our visit and she was only 10 stone 7lb, the last recorded weight they had for her was 13 stone 13lb and that was two days after she went into the home in April.

She just does not want to eat and even getting a few sips of drink into her is very difficult, they are giving it to her with a medicine syringe.

It breaks my heart to see her like this and do feel that she has had enough and is shutting herself down.

Mazwad,

This sounds all to familiar, with Mona the hospital staff had given up. She had her fluids courtesy of a drip and occassionally someone came to wipe a wet sponge round her mouth. I went in to the hospital everyday, in fact I took photos of Mona at her worst and she looked terrible. She weighed 5 Stone 6lbs, and there wasn't a picking on her. A skeleton with a skin graft is what her daughter described her mother as. I still have those awful photos, but today I am pleased to say she looks like a 96 year old worth a million dollars. She is also 8 stone 7lbs now.

Everytime I went in I fed her some small morsel as she had lost the ability and will to feed herself. This was not the Mona I knew, who was demanding and all to keen to lecture me on everything known to man. Even her memory was not up to scratch, no tales of missing the train home from dancing the night away with a man in tow. It took some convincing that the people in her family all loved her and wanted her to be well, when all she could do was refer to herself as a burden, at the times when she was the most lucid.

I know every case is different Mazwad, but trying to be positive can work wonders.

Today I know we were right to stay positive with Mona, this flies in the face of those who feel that we should let nature take its course, and not to prolong life if the quality of that life is poor.

Sometimes when elderly people go in to a nursing care situation as opposed to residential care, the quality of the care they are given is reflective in the condition of the patients. In Mona's home they are clean and tidy, have the choice of menus for the day and a good quality of life. Three patients have been lost in the time Mona has been a resident. So a nurseing care situation isn't always an indicator of what time is left. Some residents have been there for 8 years and more.

My heart is with you Mazwad and I sincerely hope that things pick up, as this will ease the situation all round.

Maureen
Northern angel.

On saturday my MIL died peacefully in the nursing home. She had got better after the illness that I started this thread about and was happy and well cared for until a week ago when she went downhill again.

Just in case anyone is facing the heartbreaking decision of placing a parent in a home I can only speak from my own experience and say that there are good homes around but they are only as good as the staff.

We visited quite a few before we chose the final one and although some were more luxurious and the rooms bigger the staff are the most important.

That probably sounds like stating the obvious but I was very impressed by the care they gave because the wages bear no relation to the fees you pay.

So its off to another funeral my forth in four months. The only reason I am posting this is because I shared my fears with you all a few months ago and felt it was right to let you know the ending.

MIL was 91 a good old age for anyone.

Ah Maz, really sorry to hear your sad news. Life seems to go like that doesn't it, it seems to be one funeral after another - I know I have had periods like that, and then nothing for ages (thank god). Hope all goes well for you both. xx

Sympathy to you and your family Maz. :sad:

91 is a good age - but it's still very upsetting for everyone.

I must have missed this thread the first time around. Just to give you my condolences and I hope that it all goes as well as can be expected. Big hugs and thoughts to you. xxx

My heart goes out to you in this situation Maz. You original post was made a few months back though. Has anything changed since you got the doctors to change MIL's medication?

I think you missed this bit Fig.

On saturday my MIL died peacefully in the nursing home.

Comiserations, maz :(

sorry to hear the sad news maz.
xxx

I think you missed this bit Fig.



Comiserations, maz :(


Oh God, I did!

I'm so sorry to hear that Mazwad. How're you and Mr Maz bearing up?

So sorry Maz...having just lost my Granny last May while she was in a nursing home, I can agree that it's the staff that matters, and she had some wonderful people that cared for her. Being that I lived 3 hours away and they never knew when I or my cousin would be popping in, I can truly say I never found anything wayward. She never got bedsores or had anything you'd associate with neglect or uncleanliness. We were never concerned over any mistreatment.

Again Maz honey...sending hugs and good vibes accross the pond. xxoo Jen

Sorry to hear about your mother in law Maz but you can be happy in the knowledge that her time spent in the nursing was a happy time, and that you were all happy with the decision you made.

I am sure you will miss her as you appeared to have a good relationship with her.

Sorry about your loss Maz. Hope you're all doing ok.

Thank you all, we are fine and getting things sorted. Mr M's brother and his wife are staying with us for a couple of days so we are doing it all together.

Hello Mazwad,

My deepest thoughts and condolences are with you in your bereavement. What more can anyone say? You've done your best.

Maureen
Northern angel.