Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled jokes yearning to breathe free; basically, all jokes are welcome :D


This one's a old gag, but this time told from a womans point of view...Bah!


A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.

The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope,sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm
a one-wish genie.

So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shapeafter being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a SIGH and said, "Let me see the f**king map again."

So, so true...

http://www.callcentermovie.com/movie/movie2.html

So, so true...

http://www.callcentermovie.com/movie/movie2.html

hehe, that's great!

Excellent!!:applause: :applause:

love it :laugh:

In honour of my long rant about gaming and the musical I saw this evening...

Machinima (http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=7997646050642417046&q=internet+is+for+porn)*

*Not for young'uns within earshot

Four surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

But the fourth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are
interchangeable

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice, "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "Because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 60.

"I want the car too," he continues.

65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles and says, "The airbag."
:pimp:

Have you ever wondered...

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder...

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ****."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on...

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love -for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning and, therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than 30 years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that, for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and
phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover,
drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back,
and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first
try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out
to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back,
and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try
again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out
to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of
the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the
grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
the horn."

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my grandpa."

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied,
"Jack Daniels and women with big tits"

Is General Funnies in the same regiment as Private Grief?

No SF. Private Grief usually follows Major Upsets.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, the ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

How To Be A Cultist

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following general guidelines for Cultists.

1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.

2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practise the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.

3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight -- it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms.

5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.

6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and change.

7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(es). Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.

8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

9. Don't gloat.

10. If you can't resist gloating, don't reveal your plans.

11. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don't leave the hero(es) to die slowly. They don't.

12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es) to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when they turn up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.

13. The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last possible moment to foil your plans. With this in mind, start half an hour early -- they hate that.

14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.

15. Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.

16. Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.

17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip.

18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form."

20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.

21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the **** comes down, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.

22. Never play strip Tarot.

23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared change sides at the drop of a hat.

24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam(tm) is right out.

No SF. Private Grief usually follows Major Upsets.

Although sometimes Private Grief has followed Corporal Punishment.

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old man, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

"I know!" replied the old man, "I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"

The British are following the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Why Mac's suck (http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-6553260189868317794&q=mac*)

The Mac Gamer (http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=2282754844569110939&q=mac*)

Virus (http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-5986139045460787404&q=mac*)

A gay guy goes into the zoo, and stops dead at the gorilla cage when he sees the gorilla sitting there with a huge hard-on.

He can't resist it, and reaches into the cage to cop a feel. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and and rogers him unconscious before throwing him out of the cage.

A week later the doctor asks him how he feels.

"HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL !! He hasn't called, he hasn't written....."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
************ **************

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"
**************************

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surge on's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck: < BR>"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
*************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office :

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
</ FONT>**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric
Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

"Drive carefully. We'll wait. "
*****************************


At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
Tahoma">Best place in town to take a leak .."



Pete Henness

The older I get the faster I was.

who comes up with these things - I find them hilarious - but forget them before i can tell anyone else..:cry:

A few thoughts...

1. Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

2. The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
****ting herself.

And finally...3. If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to run
through a tunnel, then up on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of
fire. They're trained for that and your not.:blink:

A few of my thoughts: ( uh oh )

1. why is it when you tell someone ther are 20 trillion stars in the sky they believe you, But when you tell them to be careful as the paint is wet they touch it.....!

2.why does nothing rhyme with Orange......?

3.why do kamikazee pilots where a helmet.....?
Well i always find them kinda funny!!

:w00t:

2.why does nothing rhyme with Orange......?

:w00t:

And pint?!?!

And pint?!?!
Yeh never thought. :thumbsup:

thought this was quite funny and true!!
:laugh:

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."