How do you kill a circus?

Go straight for the juggler.


What goes oo?

A cow with no lips.


Why'd the blonde get sacked from the M&M factory?

She threw out all the W's.


anybody got any quick 2liners?

What do you call a man with a raincoat on?
Mac.

What do you call a man with 2 raincoats on?
Mac's

What do you call a man with 2 raincoats on and standing in by a church?
Mac's by graves:laugh:

what do you call a dear with no eyes?
no idea

what do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?
still no idea

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug.

M

What do you call a dog with no ears?

Anything you want, he can't hear you.

A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up and down and nipples sticking out in the cold.

His colleagues have kicked the **** out of him.

I am Dyslexia of Borg. Your ass will be laminated.

This story came from one of my friends who sells computers for Dell at a mall Kiosk.

This guy came up to him wanting him to show him how to set up all sorts of stuff on his laptop that he'd bought from there recently. After my friend had repeatedly told him that he couldn't help him and he should either read the manual or call the software vendor, the guy goes: "But you sell computers, you should help me."

My friend replies: "When you go to buy a car, do you ask the salesman to teach you how to drive?"

The guy replies: "No, but I do see how that is relevent, you shouldn't buy a car without knowing how to drive it."

My friend replied: "That's exactly my point."

The guy them stormed off, cursing at him under his breath.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees:

There is no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters. They are less likely to be flirtatious. They need the work, or they would not be doing it. They still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It is always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset, the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they will keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they cannot shrug off harsh words the way men do.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women.
Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she will grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point cannot be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!


The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.


The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, With her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die.


She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate .....


The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"


Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."


And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."


And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.


And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."


And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."


And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."


And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."


And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.


And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.


And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the cat didn't give a s**t one way or the other.

Baby Queen (http://media.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/4232/freddie3.swf)

Very silly, but it made me laugh.

Girl walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a double entendre....so the barman gives her one :blink:

yea look like quick 2 liners....

old joke and not a 2 liner either (i know im a hypocrit) but couldnt stop laughin when i heared it

3 men in a park first guy says "windy today" second man says "nah thursday" third guy says "me too pub is it?"

The new Apple Mac iProduct (http://www.gizmodo.com/gadgets/images/iProduct.gif)

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, "just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.00."

And the cat didn't give a s**t one way or the other.






..........:)

THree women waiting for their kids at the school gate.

1st woman: We named our son George after St George's day.
2nd w: We named ours Patrick after St Patrick's day.
3rd w: That's funny, we did the same with our son Pancake.

What's brown and sits at the end of a piano stool?

Beethoven's last movement.

The Blonde and the Casino:

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a
single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m
completely nude.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled,
”Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop
she jumped up and down and squealed...

”YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
”What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know - I thought You were watching.”



Moral -

Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men